__________________The Legacy of_____________________ %%%%%% %%%% %%%%% %%% %%%%%%%% %%%%%% %% %%% %% %% %% %%% %%% %% %%% %% %% %%%%%%%% %% %%% %% %% %%%%% %% %%% %% %% %%% %%% %% %%% %%% %%%%%% %%% %%% %%% %%%%% %%% %%%%%% ______________S q e a k y D o l l_________________ by aRkRiSt MeRkAvA eNeMiA (arkrist2@yahoo.com) created 11/27/99 updated --/--/-- ================================================================================================= I N T R O D U C T I O N ================================================================================================= Welcome to my new IAQ! Contrary to my past works (The Prodigy, Synthesis), this IAQ is humorous. It goes back to the roots of IAQ - to parody another game (Beath of Flams - Breath of Fire). This IAQ is intended to parody Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver. I hope you enjoy it :-) Please e-mail me with questions, flames, comments, suggestions. ================================================================================================= S T O R Y ================================================================================================= SQUEAKY DOLLS A month has passed since Grand Marmalade Charon set his capital in the ruins of a Family Dollar store and began his conquest of the world. His first act was to pick his nose. His second act was to recruit a posse. Dipping into his bowl of soup, Charon snared six souls and thus birthed his lackies, of which I, Dante was one. We, in turn, prowled the twilight of purgatory building six department store chains of squeaky dolls to pillage Rhoville. The destruction of Mom & Pop shops, along with human civilization, was inevitable. Within a couple weeks, humanity had been thoroughly brainwashed into buying all our products. To be sure, there were feral children scattered across the hinterlands, being brainwashed by Triple-Triad and Pokémon. They were tolerated. They made existence to the fledgling dolls more challenging. After the brainwashing of humans and mastering the industry, our real work began: shaping Rhoville into a fluffy puffy world. Around the masses of fetid garbage, slaves constructed a HQ worhty of our new age, worthy of a fluffy puffy squeak squeak renaissance. Huge furnaces were built to belch smoke into the sky, shielding the land from the poisonous effects of the sun. Never had the world known a time of such beauty. However, we grew bored. We allowed the remains of the legions, the less popular squeaky dolls, to have their intrigues. They provided sound and amusement to an increasingly uninspired shit-hole. As faction fell against faction we bet on the outcome. We helped and foiled franchises at our whim. We were the Really Really Important Group of Cool Squeaky Dolls and Grand Marmalade Charon, our only master. DANTE The humans think it is the device embedded within us that makes us what we are. Fools, the squeaker's sound only feeds the bodies we live in. To create a sentiet squeaky doll, one must steal a Tifa Bromide...er...uh...soul from the abyss to reanimate the doll. It is the body that demands the pleasant sound of the squeaker; our souls gain their advantage from the powers of the lupcious bowl of soup. As we matured, our earthly bodies evolved into a higher form. We assumed the powers and nobility of Dark Gods. With each change, the trivial affairs of Nintendo and Playstation held less interest. Always, it was Charon who would change first. After the Grand Marmalade had experienced a new gift, one of us would follow in a couple days. That's until I had the audacity to evolve before my master. I was gifted with wings. And for my impertinence I was damned. THE EX-ID-ANDROMADA-TVIRUS-OBIWANKINOBI-TYPE-ENTITY To us the touch of apple cider is agony; it burns our plush fluff like dog drool. My punishment was to be cast into The Crock of the Rancid Apple Cider, our execution ground for traitors, weaklings, and past Christmas Got-To-Have's. As my brethren heaved e into the air I could see the bemused expressions on their faces. The transitory feeling of something new. Then the pain. Melting. Flatulating. Burning. Falling. A spoony experience indeed. I have no idea of how long I squeaked in pain. Only that there was an end to the fall and through the fluff I heard a voice. At first I thought it merely the echoes of my own tortured mind, but I grew to understand that it was more. Something illiterate. Something angry. Something with a really annoying accent. Something pretty old. The Ex-Id-Andromada-TVirus-ObiWanKinobi-Type-Entity explained some stuff. It told me of creation, of death, of squeaks and of warts. For eons, the Ex-Id-Andromada-TVirus-ObiWanKinobi-Type-Entity fed upon the mutilated squeaky doll carcasses of Rhoville. Then Charon's squeaky doll dynasty deprived the Ex-Id-Andromada-TVirus-ObiWanKinobi-Type-Entity of sustenance. For centuries, his foul oder grew and festered in this place. The Ex-Id-Andromada-TVirus-ObiWanKinobi-Type-Entity offered me a solution to my existence - if I would stalk the puffy-wuffy plane, slaying my former brethren, then I would have the chance to avenge myself against Charon. How could one refuse such an offer? ================================================================================================= L I F E / D E A T H ================================================================================================= As Dante, you are immortal. You cannot die. However, you can lose energy. The Fluff Bar tracks your energy reserves. On the puffy-wuffy plane, you constantly consume energy in order to maintain your cuddley form. For this reason, your Fluff Bar constantly drains. To replenish your energy and maintain your cute presence on the puffy-wuffy plane, you ust regularly feed on the fluff of your enemies. If you lose all of your fluff on the puffy-wuffy plane, you will be forced to shift to the kabbuj plane. here, you will slowly regain fluff. You can hasten your restoration by devouring the lost fluff of the kabbuj plane and the fluff of kabbujicalur enemies. If you lost all your fluff on the kabbuj plane, you will return to the Ex-Id-Andromada-TVirus-ObiWanKinobi-Type-Entity's chambers. ================================================================================================= C O N T R O L S ================================================================================================= X jump, glide, cancel O absorb fluff SQUARE attack, energy extension, open doors, confirm, use magic TRIANGLE form projectile, knock-the-fluff-out-of-em blow R1 sneak about, focus on enemy in battle R2 rotate camera (+L2 for personal perspective) L1 duck, crawl, high-jump L2 rotate camera (+R2 for personal perspective) Control Pad movement D-pad movement SELECT select magic START pause game ================================================================================================= I N N A T E A B I L I T I E S ================================================================================================= Gliding - Though Dante's wings are small and tattered, he can still hold on to them with his stubby arms and attempt to glide. Press the X button to jump. While in mid-air, press and hold the X button to glide. Hold the R1 button to glide straight down. Release the X button to drop straight to the ground. Crouching/Crawling - Dante's small form can be even further compacted because of his low density fluff filling. Hold L1 to crouch. Crawl by holding L1 while using the control/d pad. Dante can't go off of ledges while crawling. Collecting & Using Objects - Dante's magical fluffy brain allows him to use telekinesis. By using this technique, he can summon weapons and blocks to his hands, as well as reorient larger objects. This also allows Dante to open doors with miraculous ease. DANTE CANNOT USE TELEKINESIS ON THE KABBUJ PLAIN. All you have to do is press an hold SQUARE. Utilizing Weapons - Once Dante has picked up a weapon/block, he can use these weapons to open a CAN-O-WHUP-ASS on his opponents. Dante can use the following weapons: Torches These items singe the fluff of enemies, and completely incinerates the fluff of weaker enemies Scimitar A butcher's knife which is the equivelent of a huge sword in Dante's hands. Use this to slice and dice the fluff of your opponents. Tonfa Club One of the most useless items in the game. This weapon is used to whack weak enemies into submission. Don't expect it to be effective on bosses. Sickle This is one of the best weapons. It allows Dante the same power as a scimitar, but with greater range. Dante Sabre When his fluff pulsates with full energy, Dante's fluffy arm grows into a long, hard, sharp blade of destruction. The more enemies Dante kills with this weapon, the stronger it becomes. Dante can pass it through smog (shadow), torches (fire), puddles (water), vents (wind) to change its element. Use of the Dante Sabre drains Dante's magic. Whip A whip with a lead ball at the end. This is a slightly more effective weapon than the Tonfa Club, but it has the same principal. Boulder A boulder that can be used to crack some heads. Brick Through bricks at the enemy or at switches. To drop a weapon, press L1 + SQUARE. To activate the Dante Sabre, press L1 + SQUARE when not near a weapon. Press L1 + SQUARE to put it away. You cannot pick up a weapon when the Dante Sabre is activated. Block Objects - When Dante wants to, he can grow ferocious claws for punching into blocks of sponge. These blocks of sponge are so light, even Dante can move them! When by a block, press SQUARE to punch your claws in it. Hold SQUARE to keep your claws in it then use the control/d pad to move it. Press L1 while punching into the block to make Dante flip it. Doors - press SQUARE next to a door to open it. Any questions? Note that this can't be done on the kabbuj plane. Sneaking - Dante can carefully get over tricky terrain or sneak up on enemies. Press R1 to sneak. Dante will not fall of ledges while sneaking. Feeding - To maintain his fluffiness on the puffy-wuffy plane, Dante must feed on the fluff of his enemies. After defeating an enemy (whether it be on puffy-wuffy or kabbuj plane) hold O and Dante will open his huge (but well hidden) mouth and engulf the fluff. ================================================================================================= E A R N E D A B I L I T I E S ================================================================================================= Dante can gain some amazing abilities by devouring the souls of his brethren squeaky dolls. He can also gain abilities by inhaling genetically altered fluff balls. Phasing Through Grates - When Dante earns this ability, and he approaches a gate, fence, or grate (on the kabbuj plane only!) he will dematerialize into little kabbages and pass through the gate where he will reassemble. Scaling Walls - On the puffy-wuffy world, there are often walls padded with pathwork quilts. After earning the ability, Dante can scale these walls. Press X to jump up and attach yourself to the wall. Use up and down on the pad to move up and down, and press X to jump off. Telekinetic Projectile - When Dante earns this ability, he can charge up projectiles (hold TRIANGLE) and launch them (release TRIANGLE). A weak projectile will be thrown when Dante does this without the Dante Sabre. Also, the projectile can vary on the element of the Dante Sabre. For the most part, Telekinetic Projectiles stun and kick back enemies, and move objects. However, some weak enemies and objects can be broken or killed. Swimming - Fluffy dolls such as Dante find water a deadly proposition. If Dante falls into the water before he learns this skill, he will go to the kabbuj plane. Dante cannot swim in the kabbuj plane, even after he learns this skill. Press SQUARE to swim. Press X to jump out of the water. Hold, then release L1 for a burst of speed. Press R1 to turn more presicley and swim more slowly. Dante cannot attack in water. Pressing Up and Down will not make Dante move forward & backward, but up and down rather. Dante CAN use projectiles in water. ================================================================================================= C O M B A T ================================================================================================= Auto Face Enemies - when near an enemy press R1 and you will automatically face it Attacks - pressing SQUARE will cause Dante to hit the enemy with a telekinetic force tapping SQUARE will cause Dante to hit the enemy with rapid weak forces hold SQUARE and circling around the enemy quickly will constrict it in a band while holding R1, press X to jump into the air and then press X to do a dive Knock-the-Fluff-Out-of-Em blow - when the enemy has been reduced to a state of pure stupidity, you can do many things to it, depending on your weapon. If Dante has no weapon, he will create a telekinetic force and lift them up into the air (by pressing and holding TRIANGLE). By releasing TRIANGLE, Dante will throw the enemy in the direction that he is facing. With a scimitar or sickle, Dante will lop the enemy's fluffy head off. With a Dante Sabre, he will impale the enemy. With a tonfa club or whip, Dante will bash the enemy into the ground. With a torch, he will burn the enemy (this may not do anything to certain enemies). Boulders and bricks cannot execute the final move. ================================================================================================= C R E S T S A N D M A G I C ================================================================================================= By pressing SELECT and then SQUARE, Dante can use magic that he got from special crests. These crests only work on the puffy-wuffy plane. MANIFEST CREST 0 Magic Cost This crest converts kabbuj (what you are made of on the kabbuj plane) into fluff FORCE CREST 5 Magic Cost This crest amplifies Dante's telekinetic powers. It causes a stream of energy to radiate out from Dante. Enemies hit with these waves may be stunned and/or knocked back. EARTH CREST 10 Magic Cost This crest has the power to convert fluff into solid stone for a temporary amount of time. Applying pressure to stoned enemies may cause them to shatter into rubble. There are several enemies immune to this magic. HYDRO CREST 10 Magic Cost A huge wave spurts out around of Dante, killing or stunning enemies with a weakness to water. It usually knocks enemies back as well. FIRE CREST 10 Magic Cost Fires consume all enemies within the vacinity, severly harming some and killing others. PLUTO CREST 15 Magic Cost This crest sends skulls encased in black flames at the enemy. Though this won't effect most demonic fluffy dolls, there are some righteously annoying happy happy dolls that will take serious damage from this. SOLAR CREST 15 Magic Cost This crest illuminates the area, causing damage to dolls weak to the sunlight. It also solves some puzzles. In the game, you start out with 0 magic. Once you gain enough levels (by absorbing fluff), however, your magic will increase to 25. The maximum magic you can have is 60. ================================================================================================= L E V E L I N G U P ================================================================================================= Contrary to Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver, you can level Dante up. Not only is consuming fluffies essential to keeping Dante healthy and alive, it is essential for him to get stronger. Every time Dante gains a level, he will let out a squeak of joy, and your Fluff Bar will grow in size, as well as your magic. ================================================================================================= F R A N C H I S E S ================================================================================================= The majority of your enemies are your former squeaky doll brethren. At the time of your execution there were five other franchises besides yours, each led by a lieutenant. Within each franchise there are several types of squeaky dolls. Squeaky dolls are susceptible in varying degrees to water, sunlight, fire, shadow, and impaling. The Dipshits - These are the most common squeaky dolls. They used to follow Dante about, and support the Pamida franchise, but now that their leader is against them, they wander the land, in search of fluff to devour. The Pamida franchise has been bought by ShopKo, and is now under human control. The Malakium - Malaki, the leader of the Malakium, was the last squeaky doll created. As such, his powers are the weakest of all the franchise leaders - so much so that his plush velvety hair started falling out and his skin moldering. Malaki's vanity was such that he would search among the human slaves for the most stunning specimens. After annoying them, he would skin their head and don their hair to cover his putrescence. His children, the Malakium, do the same to help hold their own rotting carcasses together. Malaki invests in the IGA franchise. The Barneum - The Barneum squeaky dolls are ferocious dinosaur type dolls. They are huge in size and devastating in power. Only craftiness and speed can outdo them. Their leader is Barney, a large, purple, putrid, soul-eating dinosaur. His laugh is often compared to that of a Banshee. Also, there is extra caution, being that a small legion of demented children worship this purple dinosaur. The Barneum support the McDonalds franchise. The Pooeum - The Pooeum are large lumbering stupid squeaky dolls. Their power up close is extreme but they are not very agile and must remain in the pits where they are. The Pooeum are weak to every element but shadow, and have a craving for honey. This faction is lead by Winnie the Pooh, and support the Wal-Mart franchise. beanobaum - The beanobaum is the most versatile group of all. Its members range from a stupid crab, to a dog, to a bird. However, these members are small and not very powerful. What they lack in power they make up with speed and pure annoyance. The group is lead by Ty, an enormous Tie-Die beanie baby. They originally were their own franchise, but because of economic pressures, the beanobaum were forced to support the Microsoft monopoly. pikachum - The clan holding the most power are the pikachum. Why? Their hypnotic franchise (Pokémon) mesmorizes the great majority of the human population and turns children into machete- wielding maniacs. Defeating this clan will cause you to be permanently hated by the stupid human villages (save one). These enemies are extremely weak to water, and they come in two varieties (Pikachum and Raichum). However, they are adept at throwing thunder bolts at you. Their fortress is a living hellhole. You must manipulate these entities into powering generators which open doors. The evil pIcKAcHu leads this pack of evil Pokémon. The clan, off course, supports the Pokémon franchise. =================================================================================================