New Returners Riff #1, by: Lady Marrah (ladymarrah@yahoo.com/crimsondream@scifianime.com) Based on Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) ********************* [Edgar sits on his throne in Figaro Castle twiddling his thumbs, as usual...] Edgar: Well, any minute now Terra should burst in and-- [Terra bursts in] Terra: [rushes up to Edgar] Edgar, Magus has run off with the story again! The rest of the cast has no development yet at all and the storyline's almost over! What are we going to do!? [collapses at the foot of Edgar's throne, sobbing] Edgar: [pats Terra on the head] Calm down, would you? I've got an appointment in a few minutes. Try to keep from going hysterical until it's over. Terra: [sigh] All right. But...what is this appointment...? Edgar: It's a-- [Nall bursts in] Nall: --New Returners Riff!! Ta-da!! [lands on Edgar's shoulder] Edgar: [annoyed] Nall, you're from LUNAR! This is a NEW RETURNERS RIFF! Nall: Yeah, so? Terra: So, it's for characters from New Returners. You aren't even in a Squaresoft game, let alone our fanfic! Nall: Yeah, so? [sweatdrops appear over Terra's and Edgar's heads] Edgar: Oh...never MIND! You can riff with us. Now we're just waiting on-- [Lucca bursts in] Lucca: --the fanfic! And here it is! Edgar: I wish people would stop doing that... [sigh] *********************** The New Returners Riff: Silent Wind By Michael Pearce (jdpearce@gte.net) *********************** >This is one of my first fanfiction stories. I took some creative liberties, >as you can probably tell, but the script itself is only slightly modified. Nall: And that's a good or bad thing? The game has Woolsey-itis. Terra: This game script are sick! Lucca: Off course! Edgar: A spoony bard must have written it... Nall: YES!! That's it! You've just solved the mystery of the decade, Edgar...Ted Woolsey's species! >The ending is not from the game, but it worked better this way. Terra: You...you... SPOONY!!!! You kill off my-- [Edgar bashes Terra in the head with his AutoCrossbow, knocking her unconscious] Edgar: Shut up, that's a spoiler! ---- >The cold wind bit into his brow, Nall: Do frogs *have* brows? Edgar: Don't nitpick. Nall: What kind of riffing is this if I can't nitpick!? >yet his flesh bore a consistent stream of sweat. Lucca: A...stream...of sweat? That sounds *so* unsanitary. Nall: Hehe, Edgar, grab Lucca's canteen real quick! Let's dip it in yonder *stream* and get some *water*! Mwahahahaha!! >His two companions frowned, halfheartedly staring towards the cliff's >near peak. He nodded silently, and the couple quietly fled towards the camp. Nall: The couple? I guess that means it was Marle and Lucca. Lucca: Eww! NALL!! Nall: Hey, you said it, not me! >Begrudgingly, he began ascending the mountain. Edgar: Woah, hold it! The North Cape was not a mountain in any sense! Nall: Now who's nitpicking? Edgar: Oh, shut up. >As he neared the silhoutted figure before him, he brandished a sword which >witheld a massive blade, Nall: (Sword) No! I'm witholding this blade from you! It's on layaway, remember? So cough up some cash, or no legendary sword for Billy this Christmas! >shimmering without sunlight. The figure's head >silently turned to it's side. Edgar: (Head) Side, is there any way to reattach me to Neck up there? >A cold, dark wind gusted across the cliffside. >"So, it's you..." the words hung in the air for several moments. >"Magus." Glenn stated, emotionless. >"Behold." Magus replied, gestering Lucca: Is that anything like festering? Edgar: Or sequestering? Nall: Were those riffs supposed to be funny!? For shame! When we're done with this, you two are going back to MST3K school! >with his gloved hand. "Everthing's at the >bottom of the sea. [Edgar takes out his "Disney's The Little Mermaid" soundtrack and pops it into the CD player] Edgar: [sings along] Under the seeeeeeeeea, under the seeeeeeeea... Darling it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from meeeeeeeee... [Terra wakes up just enough to smash the CD player to bits] >Gone is the magical kingdom of Zeal, and all the dreams >and ambitions of it's people. I once lived there...But I was another person >then..." Magus paused, nostalgia overwhelming him. Nall: Nostalgia!? Like puppy-dog, kitty-cat, mom's-apple-pie, Norman Rockwell nostalgia!? Oy, this is just WEIRD! Edgar: (Magus) Ahh, nostalgia... I remember that time I fought a knight at San Dorino...his girlfriend was standing beside him cheering him on...she had the most beautiful red hair... >"I was a child, seperated >from those who loved me. What we just witnessed.." >"So!" Glenn interupted, "Thou art..Thou art that filthy urchin Janus!" Nall: (Magus) Yes, I am Janus, Roman god of doorways! Cower before me, puny mortal! Lucca: Okay, that was a riff on Chrono Trigger, not this fanfic... Nall: Yeah, so? Lucca: [sigh] Oh, forget it. You're impossible. Nall: Thank you! >Magus momentarily glared at the Frog, as though to Edgar: Shoot laser beams out of his eyes! Lucca: Grow 7 feet tall and stomp him! Nall: Make passionate-- Everyone: NALL!! >speak, but said nothing. >"Ever since Lavos' time portal stranded me in the Middle Ages...I have waited >to even this score. Lucca: (sportscaster) Yes, folks, it's Lavos 3, Magus 0! Can the mage make a comeback? >You interrupted me just when I had summoned Lavos to my >castle...How ironice Nall: Iron Ice... Woo! That's a new one! Edgar: Leave the typos be, Nall! That wasn't even funny. Nall: [pout] Yes it was! >that, having been drawn into yet another portal, I would >end up in this age." The wizard paused, his cape fluttering with menace Lucca: (Cape) Roar!! Bow and tremble before my fluttering menace! Roar!! >as the wind picked up. "Being from the future, my knowledge of the past enabled >me to manipulate the queen into believing I was a mighty oracle. Nall: Are you sure she didn't just believe it because she was violently INSANE? >But no >history book could have ever prepared me for what happened here. Unimaginable >is this power...the power of Lavos." Edgar: (Magus) Unimaginable is it, that I talk in Daravonese should... Lucca: (Daravon) We three, Magus, Daravon, attend the classes of the speech, yes? >Magus turned away from Glenn, facing the ocean covered below a thin layer of >ice. "Anyone who dares to oppose it...meets certain doom. At this rate you, >too, will meet a hideous fate. Just like that poor fool, Crono." Magus said >with an obnoxious laugh. >"...! Nall: Isn't it amazing how we RPG characters can talk in punctuation? C'mon, you know you envy us! >You DARE insult him?" Glenn furiously shouted. >"He's history! Play with fire, and you get burned." The wind's slight breeze >had evolved into a powerful gust. Edgar: Look! Your POKeMON, BREEZE, has evolved into GUST! >"Magus! Hold thy tongue!". Glenn's knuckles whitened as his grasp over the >Masamune tightened. Lucca: [sings] Glenn's knuckles whitened, as his grasp tightened... Hey, maybe this Michael Pearce guy should go into the lyricist business! >Magus grabbed his cape, holding it beneath his pale chin. Nall: (Magus) Do you think this color looks good on me? >His arm moved to >the handle of his Scythe, daring Glenn to move. "You wish to fight me?" >"Yes! Let us finish this charade!" >Effortlessly, the scythe was withdrawn from it's holster, and Magus frowned. >"I never imagined we would settle our score in this dusty old era. Nall: [coughs] So...much...dust... [cough] Stupid [cough] Woolsey! >Indeed, let this be our final meeting!" >With incredible power, Magus bursts Edgar: I ran toward him, then I bursts! >towards Glenn. Before he could react, >Magus' blade had cut deep withinin him. Grimacing, the great mage retracted >his weapon from the wound, and replaced it in his holster. >A pool of blood poured from the large gash in Glenn's chest, and his eyes >closed. Lucca: (Glenn) I think I'll just take a nap standing up here, since the ground's so darn hard... >Magus turned, sullenly making his way back to the cliff's peak. >Glenn's grip on the Masamune had not loosened. His eyes opened, blurred, >watching with hatred the figure that had tormented him for years. Staggering, >he stood. Raising the sword like a knife, he jousted it Edgar: (Glenn) Ho! Let us taketh up horses, shield and lance, and joust, foul mage! >forward at Janus, the great mage and heir to the Zeal throne. >Magus froze in his tracks, as the wind howled. Nall: (Wind) Thisssssssssss.........sssssssssstory.......ssssssssucksssss ssss..... Lucca: That was cheap. >- - - - >Magus lay dead, several feet away, as Glenn crumpled towards the earth. >Moments later, his friends would arrive. But not soon enough. Gasping for air >with closed eyes, he whispered, Edgar: "Yes! This fanfic's almost over!" Lucca: "Darn it, there's blood stains all over my cape!" Nall: "D'oh!" >"Cyrus! I hath avenged thee.." >Glenn then died, the wind finally silent. Everyone: WOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOO!!! ******************* Edgar: Well, that was painful. Terra: [sits up, rubbing her head] Tell me about it. I think I got a concussion... [glares at Edgar] Edgar: [glares right back] I'll have to have a talk with you later about destroying people's property. Do you know how hard Little Mermaid soundtracks are to come by? I'll be missing that groovy music for months on end until my catalog order comes in! Not to mention my CD player... [Everyone stares at Edgar, sweatdrops collecting by the dozens over their heads] Edgar: [pause] What? [The group slowly backs toward the door and exits, leaving him all alone] Edgar: [shrug] Some people just have *no* taste in music. [Edgar exits.] ******************** Credits: Edgar, Terra, Lucca, and Nall as themselves Ghaleon as Magus The Frog Prince as Glenn The Invisible Man as Schala Lady Marrah (ladymarrah@yahoo.com) as The Author MST3K is Copyright Best Brains, Inc. Edgar, Terra, and Lucca are Copyright Squaresoft. Nall is Copyright Working Designs/Kadokawa Shoten/ESP/Game Arts/Studio Alex. I don't own any of these in any way, shape or form...I just like to riff fanfics. =0) The End "The wizard paused, his cape fluttering with menace as the wind picked up."