How To Order A Pizza
By Brian Work (AKA IcyBrian)
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that
2. Make up a charge card name. Ask if they accept it
3. Use CB lingo where applicable
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation"
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up
8. Answer their questions with questions
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN and PUCE
11. Ask for a deal available someone else (e.g. IF phoning Domino's ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
12-Ask what the order taker is wearing
13. Crack your knuckles into the receiver
14. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you
15. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask you would you like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented
16. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up
17. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings
18. Change your accent every 3 seconds
19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper
20. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters"
21. Tell them to put the crust on top this time
22. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD
23. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out
24. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread"
25. Stutter on the letter "p"
26. Play Mary had a Little Lamb and Hot Cross Buns with the phone, and ask the order taker to stop
Pause where there are spaces
Mary had a little lamb 3-2-1-2 3-3-3 2-2-2 3-3-3 3-2-1-2 3-3-3-3 2-2 3-3 1
Hot cross buns 3-2-1 3-2-1 3-3-3-3 2-2-2-2 3-2-1
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK That'll be $10.99; Please pull up to the next window"
28. Rent a pizza
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of pepperoni. Use the long "i" sound
32. Have your pizza "shaken not stirred"
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?" When they say yes, say "Well, so it is! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs
35. Tell them to double check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead
36. Imitate the order takers voice
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh you mean now"
39. Play a sitar in the background
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music
42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs
44. Try to talk while drinking something
45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and... action!"
46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown
47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair
48. Be vague in your order
49.When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order
51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff
52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying,"This may be my last entry."
53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get
54. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza
55. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that
56. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage
57. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed
58. Engage in some serious swapping
59. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
60. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired
61. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you
62. Ask if the pizza has had its shots
63. Order a steamed pizza
64. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up
65. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker...
66. ...Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
67. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza
68. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it
69. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade
70. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer
71. Put them on hold
72. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders
73. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
74. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond
75. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
76. When you’re given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated " I hate math."
77. Haggle
78. Order a one-inch pizza
79. Order term life insurance
80. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
81. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable
82. Order Chinese food
83. Call just to find out what the weather will be like the next day
84. When asked for your phone number, give them theirs
85. SHOUT, whisper, SHOUT, whisper (i.e. I would LIKE a MEDIUM peperoni PIZZA)
86. Hack and cough after every three words
87. When they pick up say "That's it! I'm calling the police."
88. Breath heavily into the mouth piece, one word every 2 breaths
89. Have someone yelling different toppings from across the room, scratch
the order every so often. i.e.
You- "topping, topping"
Other person- "NO!! topping"
You- "Scratch that. Topping, topping."
Other person- "NO! I can't eat that! topping"
You- "Wait, I guess not. topping, topping."
90. Place a very complicated order, then say "This is (another pizza place's name), right?" When he says "No", say "Oh, nevermind then," and hang up