The Yuffie Conspiracy Theory
by Fritz Fraundorf
DISCLAIMER: I do not hate Yuffie. I created this page just
because I like modifying pictures, and because it was a funny
At last conclusive proof has been discovered that Yuffie of Final Fantasy
7 is indeed the spawn of Jenova! First off, you'll note that Yuffie's
mother is never mentioned in the game. This (and Yuffie's generally annoying
nature and hideous appearance) initially led me to believe that Yuffie was
the daughter of Jenova, but now I have discovered further proof: add up the
ASCII values of "Yuffie" and "Jenova" and they are different BY ONLY 5! The
difference of 5 is probably from the 5 dashes in J-E-N-O-V-A (the name of
Jenova's theme). And do you think really Yuffie gets airsick all the time?
Nope, she's just using that as an excuse to get away from the rest of the
group and secretly plot to steal their Materia. Not to mention the fact that
Yuffie has a Limit Break called Doom of the Living...
||THE DEAL HEARD 'ROUND THE WORLD
So who did Square choose to represent themselves at the big
Square-EA deal? Cloud? A Chocobo? Cid? None of the above... it was none other
than the Evil One herself, as this photo of Yuffie shaking hands with John
Madden clearly indicates (actually, Wedge and Vicks were Square's first choice,
but they were mauled by a rabid tiger en route to the press conference).
Is the formation of Square Electronic Arts merely another stage in Yuffie's
plan to enslave humanity? Let's just say I wouldn't bet against it... Lead
by Corkster, actual reporting
YCT operatives in Wutai have informed me that the ubiquitous
Turtle's Paradise ads are being rapidly replaced by a new, more insidious,
ad: this poster promoting Yuffie's rap group, the Wu-Tai Clan. Despite the
fact that they have absolutely no talent, their first album has already risen
to the top of the Shinra music charts, beating even Saddam Hussein's
Chemical Paradise and the Really Useless Characters' Rodent
Linoleum. Sighting by The
||CHASING THE BLACK-HAIRED WOMAN
More evidence that Yuffie indeed killed Aerith to collect the
White Materia... here, a frozen Yuffie is being given the Black Materia by
Cloud. This backs up Butch's claim in Domino that Yuffie was after
the White and Black Materia. I can't wait to see how Square and Yuffie try
to explain this one. Sighting by The
|YUFFIE VS. CID: THE AD
Today's interesting piece of Yuffie news: One of the many ads
designed for the FF7 media blitz of doom was the one you see here, a reference
to the Secret of Evermore ads (remember them?). But Square wasn't too thrilled
with the ad's depiction of Yuffie and it got canned.
||YUFFIE THE CHRYSSALID?
For those of who you played X-Com, you may remember the Chryssalid
enemy. It moved quickly, had an evil grin, and turned people into zombies.
Sounds like Yuffie, doesn't it? A quick comparison of the two (see left),
reveals that they appear almost identical, except for the varying eye sizes...
Sighting by an anonymous source.
|YUFFIE CAUGHT IN THE ACT!
Earlier I speculated that Yuffie had kidnapped Vincent during
the ending of FF7, a suggestion backed up by
Domino's memoirs (granted, Domino
is not always the most reliable source). But now it has been confirmed by
this picture, taken by a hidden camera in Cait Sith's moogle. While AVALANCHE's
attention was diverted to Cloud and Tifa, Yuffie bludgeoned Vincent unconscious
with her boomerang and took off. And how do you think the Highwind ended
up in the BOTTOM of the crater? Yes, it's Yuffie again.....
Sighting by The
Sources deep within Square (my second cousin's best friend's
girlfriend's cousin knows a guy whose brother's uncle's cousin's heard from
someone whose dog's veterinarian's brother's nephew works for Square) have
revealed this missing sequence from the Jenova FMV in the Nibelheim flashback.
Apparently Jenova was supposed to morph into Yuffie, but the sequence was
dropped for fear Yuffie's glowing red eyes might trigger epileptic seizures.
Sighting by The
|IF THE SUSPENSE DOESN'T KILL YOU, YUFFIE WILL
As if the zombies and Umbrella weren't enough, Raccoon City
is now Yuffie's latest target as well. This truly terrifying picture, taken
by Mayor Domino's assistant Hart (who had stopped in Raccoon City during
his quest to rid the world of PaRappa references), shows Yuffie directing
a band of zombies in mercilessly assaulting the gun shop owner. When reached
for comment, Hart said only, "What's going ON in this town?"
||THE YUFFIE LEGACY CONTINUES...
Earlier, I speculated as to how many previous FF games Yuffie
had been included in. Well, Yuffie has now been confirmed to date all the
way back to FF1. Players of FF1 may remember an invisible person you could
talk to in Corneria Castle. Well, it's none other than Yuffie herself. Yuffie
was apparently distributing flyers advertising her new rap group (for more
on that, read Blue and Green). Break
out your copies of Rad Racer, folks, Yuffie may go back even further than
|YUFFIE ATTACKS JUNON!
This recently released picture from the Shinra Corporation
shows Yuffie emerging from the sea to attack Junon. Fortunately for
the sake of civilization as we know it, Yuffie was fended off with the help
of the Sister Ray. Yuffie's current whereabouts are unknown.
||YUFFIE FOUND IN FF6!
Apparenlty Yuffie's appearance in FF7 is not her first.
Astute observers may have already noticed that Yuffie's face is clearly visible
on the three-tiered boss you fight before Kefka in FF6. Has Yuffie
appeared in other past FF games as well? Stay tuned!
|IS YUFFIE THE UNABOMBER??
A reliable source claims that this picture was the original
sketch drawn by the FBI of their suspect for the Unabomber. However, on its
way back to the FBI headquarters, it was stolen by Yuffie and replaced with
one of her own devising, pinning her crimes on Theodore Kaczysnki. This news
is sure to disturbe many readers -- our formerly safe planet now appears
to have been invaded by the vile menace that is Yuffie.
||YUFFIE RESPONSIBLE FOR AERIS'S DEATH!
Sephiroth may not be quite the bad guy that you thought. A
close examination of Aeris's death scene shows that she was killed not by
Sephiroth's sword, but what appears to be Yuffie's boomerang (see picture
on left). Obviously, Yuffie used the appearance of Sephiroth as a diversion
to kill Aerith from a safe hiding place and take the White Materia. However,
her insidious plan failed when the White Materia fell into the water. Seph,
being the nice guy that he is, then tried to remove the boomerang, but it
was too late.
|THE TRUE STORY OF FF7'S ENDING
The true reason why Vincent and Yuffie are not in the ending
has been uncovered at last! So you say they weren't in there because four
separate endings would have to been made? Ha! That is merely what Yuffie
wants you to believe! The real reason is that while Cloud was fighting Seraph
Sephiroth, Yuffie kidnapped and Vincent and fled. Why would she do such a
thing? Well, back when Vincent was a Turk, Shinra learned of Yuffie's birth
and sent Vincent to kill her. Even at an early age, Yuffie was able to use
her Jenova powers, however, captured Vincent, and imprisoned him in the basment
of the Shinra Mansion after performing experiments on him to gauge the power
of the Jenova cells (you'll note that nowhere is it explicitly stated that
it was Hojo that locked up Vincent.... we are led to believe this, of course,
but this again just the efforts of Yuffie to cover her trail). The note that
has the clues for the safe combination says that is "a game", which definitely
fits Yuffie's personality. So after Seph was defeated, Yuffie kidnapped Vincent
in order to lock him up again and seek revenge for a second time.
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