Stüssy's Guide to Life: The MST (Mystery Science Theater)

Stüssy's Guide to Life: The MST (Mystery Science Theater)

Episode 4

Based on the TV Show "Mystery Science Theater 3000" copyright Best Brains, Inc. Characters created by Jeffrey Faden. Original Story "The Mall of 3000 Part 1." by CoOlDuDe.

Jeffrey Faden: Oynx and Yaga --
James Gowdey: Stüssy --
Max Morgunov: Mossimo --

Completed 8/30/99


(Stüssy's house, Stüssy and Oynx are watching Futurama.)

Yaga: Hey, you guys, what are you watching?
Oynx: Futurama. I think it's by the guy that made King of the Hill or something.
Stüssy: Yeah. It's a really cool show.
Mossimo: Well, it just so happens that a fanfic of it is playing down at the Mystery Science
Stüssy: NOOOO!!! They couldn't! The show's too good to be MST'ed!
Oynx: Yeah! I think the theme music is by Fatboy Slim!
Yaga: C'mon, you guys, you only live once.
Mossimo: That's what you all think…
Stüssy: I hate it when she says that.
Oynx: The irony is, it always works. Yeah, let's go MST.


Oynx: (hums the Futurama theme)
Mossimo: I pity the rotten scum who gives a bad name to the show.
Oynx: Well, sor--ree! I'm just singing the theme song!
Mossimo: Not you, Oynx. The author of this fic.
Oynx: 'Kay, let's go inside.


The Mall of 3000 Part 1.

Stüssy: Somehow, I think you need more than 3000 parts to build a mall.
Yaga: Do you think they'd really have malls in 3000? Wouldn't they have internet shopping by then?
Mossimo: We already have internet shopping, Yaga.
Yaga: See?

At the workstation.

Oynx: (nerdy guy) Hey, my new Windows NT Workstation has a network connection speed of 10 MBit/S! It's IPX/SPX compatible, and it has Internet Connection Sharing! My modem is a T1--
Yaga: Okay, that's enough.


Oynx: He must be French! Hyuk!
Yaga: French fries aren't French, though.
Oynx: Now, don't be a Jerry Seinfeld...

So look, you guys build a time traveling machine?

Oynx: (hums the Back to the Future theme)
Stüssy: Yeah, I guess the "D" key is kinda close to the "T" key.
Oynx: No it's nor!


Stüssy: (Seinfeld) La la LA!

It's been 300 hundred years ago when they advented one.

Oynx: Never try to write something funnier than the TV show.
Yaga: Hey, I could write a better script for Terrence and Phillip.
Stüssy: Never!
Oynx: 300 years since the Advent? So religion IS on a downfall...
Mossimo: How could you celebrate the Second Coming with a time machine?
Yaga: (McWorld commercial) Hey, it could happen.

Fry: Yoo hoo!

Stüssy: (Fry) Spell-checker? You there?
Oynx: (Minnie Mouse) Yoo hoo!
Yaga: (Betty Boop) Yoo hoo!
Mossimo: (Marylin Monroe) Yoo hoo!
Stüssy: I do not think that Fry belongs in that category.

I guess we get to do these adventures of going to the past and future!

Oynx: (Daravon) Next is what you need to do to use learned Ability.
Mossimo: (Hampton) I got a good feeling!
Yaga: Daravon...You so cray-za!

Futurama Theme. Under logo it says "1, 2, 3... Launching!".

Oynx: Looks like Futurama is launching agaaaiiinnn!
Stüssy: Must be a new season.
Mossimo: Geeahhahahahaha! Those little signs under the Futurama logo always crack me up!
Oynx: But that one isn't funny, Oynx.
Mossimo: Oh yeah.

At Fry and Bender's appartment.

Stüssy: A part meant nothing to me.
Oynx: Isn't that for "harassment"?
Yaga: Don't start, you two.
Mossimo: Hey, don't Fry and Bender live in a cardboard box?

Bender: Fry?

Oynx: Th66CC6666CC66aat's meeeee!

Fry: Well, what?

Oynx: Bender didn't say "well".
Stüssy: (pulls out an encyclopedia-sized notebook) Let's see...Page 231, Paragraph 6, Rule #316: Whereapon Subject B answers with a "well" response directly to Subject A addressing B's name, A is required to have mentioned "well" in his previous sentence.
(Stüssy quickly closes the notebook and fits the entire thing in his pocket)
Yaga: Gee, uh, thanks for clearing that up for us.
Mossimo: As clear as you tried to make it, Stüssy, you neglected to mention the sub topics of rule #316 where it states that--
(Yaga jabs Mossimo)
Oynx: Well, I guess it's off to law school for you two.

Bender: I never thought I'd say this but,

Stüssy: (Bender) I know the difference between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
Oynx: (Fry) That's impossible! Nobody can!
Mossimo: (heroically) I can.
Yaga: Wow, characters stealing jokes from another series their creator worked on... That's a first.

I'm going to miss you.

Oynx: (bursts out crying)
Stüssy: (bursts out crying)
Mossimo: Here, you two. Take a hanky.

Fry: What do you mean?

Stüssy: (Bender) I mean I'm gonna miss you, stupid!
Mossimo: (Bender) We are going to blast you off to meet the cleansing fires of the sun!! How clear do you want me to make it?!

Bender: Your going back to your own home.

Oynx: I am Bordam Daravon Jr. II!

Fry: But I am home.

Stüssy: (Happy Gilmore) ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YOUR HOME??

Bender: Hey.

All: (nonchalant) Hey.

Don't take it out on me meatbag.

Oynx: Don't take it out on his WHAT?
Yaga: Don't you DARE start!
Mossimo: I fail to see what's so repulsive about a bag of meat.
Stüssy: Yeah, Yaga, you are such a sicko! They sell those at Safeway!

I didn't invent the watch'a callet.

Mossimo: I did.
Stüssy: Did you know that What's-His-Name was the inventor of the Whatchmacallit?
(LONG pause)
Yaga: Did you just steal a joke from Mr. Boffo?!
Stüssy: Um... well... yeah... I thought it was kinda--
Yaga: Sic 'im, Oynx!
(Oynx stuffs Stüssy between the back of his chair and the folded up seat)

Fry: Time Machine?

Bender: Just kidding you, a**.

Oynx: Watch as we get swearing for no reason!
Yaga: The way that word's blocked off belongs in our "Blocked Off Word Hall Of Fame".
Oynx: (Gen. Slaughter) Speedy:Polly!Thats it you @$$!
Mossimo: (J. Zimmerman) I'll kill your ass!
Yaga: (CoOlDuDe) Just kidding you, a**.

We made the whole thing up. Had you fooled a minute huh?

Oynx: Um...
Mossimo: Uh...
Yaga: Sure is fooling us...

Fry: Yeah.

Yaga: Was that supposed to be funny or something?
Oynx: Of course, it's Futurama! Lighten up! Ha-ha!
(As Oynx pretends to laugh, Stüssy pulls himself out of the chair)
Stüssy: Hi!
(Oynx immediately stops laughing)

Bender: So let's go out and have a drink!

Oynx: *hic*
Mossimo: CoOlDuDe's ability of smoothly changing topics rivals that of the masters.
Stüssy: Beer: The cause of--and solution to--all of life's problems.
Yaga: Another Simpsons riff? Stüssy, how could you?

Fry: Not in the mood.

Bender: What?

Fry: Not in the mood.

Oynx: What?
Stüssy: Not in the mood.
Oynx: What?
Stüssy: Not in the mood.
Oynx: What?
Stüssy: Not in the mood.
Oynx: What?
Stüssy: Not in the mood.
Oynx: What?
Stüssy: Not in the mood.
Oynx: What?
Yaga: Shut up.
Oynx: What?
Mossimo: Do not provoke me to violence.

Bender: Cheer up, you.

Stüssy: (Bender) Oh, you!

Let's go back to work.

At Work.

Oynx: The description in this fic is top-notch...
Stüssy: Yeah, even better than Ace Hall's "the power centre it exploded in a big way"!
Mossimo: I'm having a flashback!

Farnsworth: Now, Fry that's my alien mummy.

Fry gulps it down.

Mossimo: That was unexpected.
Oynx: How can you gulp down a mummy?

Farnsworth: Oh, God. He did this to me again!

Stüssy: (Fry) Needs more bandages. (burps)
Oynx: "did this to me again... well, at least the author admits that he directly steals a not-so-funny joke from the show...

Leela: Fry, I know what we can do. Let's go to the MALL OF 3000.

Oynx: (Farnsworth) Will that cure Fry's terminal mummy sickness?
Mossimo: (Leela) No, but it will distract him from those other sacred, ancient mummies of yours for a while.

Fry: Mall, of 3000?

Stüssy: (Fry) But don't we need a car to go anywhere?
Oynx: (Bender) Yeah, and a license, too!
Mossimo: (Farnsworth) I'm sorry, but even with all of our money combined, we can't afford anything more than a tricycle.

Leela: Uuhh hhmmm,

(Yaga covers Stüssy's mouth)

that is the biggest and fanciest mall of all of New New York.

Oynx: Damn Times Square Disneyfication... (grumbles)
Stüssy: Not as big as the Celadon City Dept. Store!
Oynx: (Pokemon NPC) That Game Corner is ruining our city's image!
Yaga: Pokemon riffs in a Futurama fanfic?

Fry: To the mall!

Bender: To the mall!

Oynx: To the mall!
Stüssy: To the mall!
Mossimo: To the mall!
(The three get up and start to leave the theater)
Yaga: Oh no, you don't. Sit back down, you three.

Leela looks at them strangley.

Oynx: If you can call a one-eyed girl looking at you "strange"...


Stüssy: (Hick) Hay, Maw! Come looky at this here comerical!
Oynx: In a fanfic!? Oh, geez!
Yaga: (commercial) Have you ever had any trouble trying to sleep? Then take our new InsomniPills™©®JNI and get a full night's rest!
Stüssy: (commercial) They're also great for really boring fanfics you have to sit through!

The mall.

Oynx: No, no, no. More like this: THE MALL OF 3000!!!
All: Bum bum BUMMM!
Yaga: Shriek!

Fry: So what are you looking for, Leela?

Oynx: (Leela) Some underpants, you know; the usual stuff.
Mossimo: It's not that funny.

Leela: Some, underpants, you know, the usual stuff.

Mossimo: HA HA HA HA!!!
Stüssy: Hey, Oynx just said that!
Oynx: Who's MSTing who?
Yaga: Is "some" a product?
Stüssy: Could you get me a little more some, please?

Fry: Woah look. Speedy esculators!

Fry goes to them and goes up and down them fast. He hits a wall.

Oynx: Only in the year 3000 will you find escalators that lead to walls.
Stüssy: In 3000, the whole world's turned into a giant Winchester Mystery House.

Fry: Ow.

Oynx: After hitting the wall at the top of a high-speed escalator, wouldn't Fry tumble down the escalator screaming, while he gets the crap knoced out of him, hitting obstacles on the way down?
Mossimo: I myself would say a little bit more than "ow" if that happened to me.

Fry rubs his head as he gets up.

Oynx: I bet the author put a lot of time into that action packed sequence.
Stüssy: (CoOlDuDe) Hmm... should he rub his head BEFORE he gets up or after? Rrr, I'm losing SLEEP over this!

Leela: Stop goofing off, Fry.

Oynx: (Fry, pointing to the escalator) He did it!

Let's just get what we need and get out of here.

Stüssy: Wasn't it her idea to go to the mall in the first place?
Oynx: (Bender) Oh, there it is! The store that sells antidotes for terminal mummy sickness!
Yaga: I'm still curious about how you drink a mummy.

It shows Kang and Kodos(The Simpsons) aliens.

Stüssy: Hey, I know them! NOT! Heh, heh, heh...
Yaga: To make jokes like that these days, you must be an alien yourself...

Just walking.

Mossimo: Riveting!
Oynx: (singing) I'm a-walkin'... down the street...
Stüssy: (Kang and Kodos) We don't walk! We glide!
Yaga: Now a James and the Giant Peach riff. That's enough, Stüssy.

Fry: So who are those guys.

Oynx: No, no, no. Who's on first, What's on second, and I Don't Know is on third.

Leela: You don't want to mess with those guys, there Kang and Kodos.

Stüssy: (Leela) Dey be baaaaad mutha^$&*#@s!
Yaga: (Leela) There Kang. There Kodos. Me cavewoman in year 3000.

They tried to take over the world 500 years ago.

Mossimo: (singing) They're Pinky and the Brain, yes, Pinky and the Brain…

Fry: 500 years?

Leela: 500 years.

Stüssy: (Fry) You sure about that?
Oynx: (Leela) Oops, wait... Lemme check that... Carry the two... Uhh... Yeah. 500 Years.

Leela, Fry, and Bender walk and Fry sees this fast food place.

Oynx: There are TWO Fry's? Man, now I'm too confused. Start the fanfic over.
Mossimo: Nooooo!!!

They go to the cashier.

Stüssy: (Bender) And I'll have a large vanilla frosty, spicy fries, and cherry pie.
Yaga: (Leela) Aaah, a junior Chunky Burger, curly fries, and a large chocolate frosty, please.
Mossimo: (Fry) Nothing but the Bucket-O-Lard for me - I'm on a diet.

Cashier: Welcome, to the only place that cells different kinds of drinks, juices,

(Stüssy giggles)

whine, beer, and soda.

Mossimo: Gee, and the "w" key is really far away from the "h" key. This guy must have fat hands.
Oynx: (Cashier) Would you like to see the whine list, madame?
Stüssy: (Leela) Yes, please.
Oynx: (Cashier) I strongly suggest the 2997 Sonoma Tantrum.

Fry(reading menu): I'll have a (having a hard time reading the word) Qalitf, please.

Cashier: Qualith!

Stüssy: (Fry) What?! Nobody calls my momma that!
Oynx: Oh, like saying the word right makes a big difference. By the way all these words are misspelled, the author might have meant to just repeat that last word.

Here you go and just drink it.

Fry: So how much will that be?

Cashier: $5.50.

Oynx: (Fry) Oh hell yeah!
Yaga: In the year 3000, wouldn't $5.50 be, around... one half cent?

Fry pays for it and drinks it. He gets outcold.

Mossimo: (CoOlDuDe) Damnspacekeyismessedupagain.
Stüssy: (Announcer) Yes, it's the toughest SOB in the Mall of 3000! Out Cold Steve Austin!
Oynx: (Random RPG Guy) Hey there! Drink this Qualith for $5.50 and you'll feel refreshed! Also, there's a little secret inside!
Stüssy: (Fry) Sure!
Oynx: (Text Box) Learned Ability "Outcold"!

Leela: What h*ll did you do to him?

Mossimo: (Cashier) I killed him! Isn't that obvious?
Stüssy: Give him h*ll!
Oynx: Ooh, more dirty language.

Cashier: Opps, forgot to mension that the drink knocks him outcold.

Stüssy: (Cashier) You should try our orange juice!
Oynx: This "out cold" thing must be an inside joke. Or maybe this whole scene was stolen from the show.

Leela: Is he alive?

Stüssy: Please... please...

Cashier: Why yes.

Stüssy: Awww, man!
Mossimo: I hate fanfic logic!

I'm not sure when.

Oynx: (Cashier) I'm not sure when he'll be alive... MAYBE IN HIS NEXT LIFETIME!!! BUWAHAHAHA!!!
Stüssy: Yoo hoo!
Yaga: Uh oh. The fic's starting to rub off on him, and it's not even finished!
Oynx: Don't worry. It's almost over.
(Stüssy looks at Oynx strangley)

Maybe...I don't know. Read a book and find out.

Oynx: This author's a hypocrite.

Leela: Where, have you been? We don't have books any more we have holigraphic things in place of books.

Oynx: (Leela) We're gonna decide on what to call them in the next stupid Futurama fanfic.

Cashier: That guy will, be fine. This is a 2 part story so do not worry. Everything will work and and always will.

Oynx: How did he know that?
Stüssy: This cashier must be a god or something.
Mossimo: Do we really have to see the second part?

So Fry will recover. Find out what happens to him in the second part of the story! In the story it just knocks him out alittle while so he'll be okay so don't worry.

Oynx: You should've told me that before I literally bit my nails off.

The End.

Yaga: Will you stop that stupid voice?
Oynx: Sure, the fanfic's over, anyway.
Yaga: Okay, let's go.
Stüssy: Woah speedy swinging doors.
(pushes it open, and it promptly hits him in the face)
Stüssy: Ow.
Oynx: I think we picked the wrong fic this time, Yaga.


(the four walk out of the theater)
Oynx: Well, I've got one thing to say... I'm glad I'm going to die before the year 3000. Everyone sounds so stupid! (looks at Stüssy) Oh, what the heck! Kill me now!
Stüssy: Hey!
Mossimo: Hey, what do you think will happen in Part 2 of this epic saga?
Yaga: I don't know, and I don't care.
Oynx: Let's hope that the Qualith does not only make Fry get "outcold", but it gives him a tumor in his windpipe, disabling him from breathing!
Stüssy: Is that, uh, good?
Oynx: Because of the unexplainably stupid thing you just said, I'm gonna try to make myself one of those Qualith's when I get home.

Fry goes to them and goes up and down them fast.

He hits a wall.

Fry: Ow.

Back to MSTs
Back to the Midgar Swamp