Best of the Mailbag: September 1998

The Best of the Cosmo Canyon Mailbag

compiled by Serpent231

Mailbag (and background) by Fritz Fraundorf, letters by the Cosmo Canyon readers (you know who you are!)

Every Cosmo Canyon fan remembers the Mailbag. Painstakingly written every few days by the owner, Fritz Fraundorf, the Mailbag featured readers who wrote questions to a crazy staff, mainly consisting of Cait Sith, Hanpan, Max from Sam and Max Hit the Road, Spencer the press secretary (chosen to be in the staff because he had a cool name), and even Fritz himself (for semi-serious questions). There were many guest appearances by characters who would answer specific questions, and occasionally, there would be a guest mailbag appearance, where one character answered the questions for the day. It was all an ingenius and hilarious project--just like all of Fritz's other work--and even though Fritz began to grow tired of writing it, he still kept it up to please his readers.

In memory of this landmark in the Cosmo Canyon history, I give you the Best of the Mailbag! This will give you all the memorable, strange, or just plain funny questions and answers (mostly answers) included in the Mailbag. Enjoy!

(Note: Since the new Cosmo Canyon died, I scrounged all of these excerpts from the old Cosmo Canyon at ::shudders:: Geocities)

I would like to recite an essay I made in school today.


"A typical day after school"

It's not that I MIND being chained down in the basement,
its just that when the meat is thrown down, the rats have an advantage of numbers and they.....
that's all i have for now.
maybe ill share more with you later.

Max sez: Wasn't this from Calvin and Hobbes?
Spencer sez: Yeah, I remember it too.
Hanpan sez: Come back with some original material, okay, kid? And people say we're unoriginal... simpleton.

Who's your fave PaRappa char? (Just curious...)
Cait sez: Chop-Chop Master Onion! He's the man with the master plan!
Hanpan sez: I don't have a favorite character. PaRappa is stupid.
Max sez: I like Jet Baby. It reminds me of the Rubber Pants Commandos.
Spencer sez: My favorite character is PaRappa's dad. I have a hat just like his.

Knights of the Round=Mp Absorb.. huge cop-out or just plain cool?
Cait sez: Woodchuck-whacking, mud-sniffing, sweater-burning, hyena-tipping cool!
Can Han Pan do the Can Can or Cant Han Pan?
Hanpan sez: Hanpan did the can can when he ran to stop a ban but a fan saw his hands and saw he wasn't a man but a tan rat that was tan from working on a LAN in the sand.
Cait sez: The elephant's birthday!

Cait sez: In the Colorado River!

Cait sez: Professor Plum, in the conservatory, with the pokey stick.

Cait sez: December 12th.

Cait sez: Ulysses S. Grant.

Cait sez: Because Stone Cold said so... why else?

How Many?
Cait sez: 69.

Cait sez: Apology accepted.

Explain further.
Cait sez: 42.

Hi! Me again!
This time I will use assorted happy faces!

=->. The Sam & Max show was for Sat. mornings, but Max was a total phycho! It ruled!
Max sez: You sound like you're reading from our contract.
Fritz sez: I'm sorry I missed it... I never get any good shows (no Pokemon...)
Hanpan sez: Phycho? Isn't that a drug store?

^. That kinda looks like half a face doesn't it?
Uh, yeah. Hey, wanna see something cool?


Propeller beanie man!

:P. Ohhh, to find out about Catreece go to: it hasn't been updated in ages, but there's a link to the main page here.
Hanpan sez: These smiley faces are giving me the creeps.
Cait sez:


Max, you and I, we should party! I'll bring some push-up pops and Old Dutch bean dip and orange marshmallow peanuts and graham crackers with grape jelly and frozen burritos you can hammer nails with! Not only that, we can stay up till 8 AM watching "Monty Python's Meaning of Life" and old M*A*S*H reruns! Be sure to bring a videotape of "Rat Patrol!"
Max sez: Rat Patrol!
Cait sez: You ought to bring one of those really stale loafs of french bread from Beath of Flams.

Hey Mailbag gang. What were you doing the past week?
Cait sez: We were trying to figure out what makes sprinklers turn back and forth 'cuz they don't have a power cord.
Which person on the Mailbag staff has enough hand-eye coordination to juggle? Anyone?
Cait sez: Me! Me! Watch, I'll juggle three active chainsaws... look, look, I'm doing it, and... whoops!
Hanpan sez: Oh my God, Cait Sith killed Biggs and Wedge! You bastard!

Anyone watch Jackie Chan movies on the Mailbag Staff? They're pretty good... except Operation Condor... that was the one where he worked for America, right?
Cait sez: I like Kain Candy movies.
Hanpan sez: Yeah, me too. Especially Kain Candy's First Strike and Mr. Schizophrenic Guy.

kupo? kupo po po ...kupopo? kappa kupog?
Mog sez: GASP! I can't belive you said that... in public!
Has Jean wrote a Black Materia song?
Jean sez: Black, black, black... this is the Materia song.
Cait sez: He has now.

This one's for Wedge. Is that a 10 tonne weight falling on your head?

I guess it was. Bye.

Cait sez: Hey, everybody! Tomorrow is Answer Your Own Questions Day! Write in with a question and answer it yourself! It's loads of fun!

Come to my site,Society of Eden,or die! I don't care if it IS Spam! I want more hits and more feedback!
Cait sez: Spam spam spam spam!
Hanpan sez: Might help to include the address...

Sorry,I don't like PaRappa the Rapper - it's a weird game with lots of stupid stuff in it. No offense,everyone.
Fritz sez: THAT'S THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE GAME! Now I shall put on my magic gloves and take you on a cruise to destroy all of you.
Max sez: Shall I confront, subdue, and pummel the suspected perpetrator, Hanpan?
Barret sez: I don't like that stupid game either. That foo' onion keeps sayin' I be rappin' awful when I be rappin' good. Wha' the dilly yo?

Color me insane. @_@
Cait sez: FONT COLOR="insane"
do you feel like spontaneously combusting into flames?
Max sez: I saw a spontaneously-combusting cultist once! It was neato.
Ich bin ein Berliner?
Nein, du bist ein Hamburger.
La la la.
As I walk the streets packin' horses and cases and everything in it, is it that I must always be ready for any action, or caution, or junction, or revolution, or constipation?
If Yuffie asked you out on a date what would you do?
Hanpan sez: I'm a rat! She wouldn't ask me out on a date... er, or would she?
Cait sez: Yuffie Kisaragi IS Yuffie Kisaragi in... Hanpan's Lover!

Westward Stabber: HA HAH! Yuffie! The time has come for us to settle this once and for all! And this time I shall not be fooled!

Yuffie: Like who is more the fool? Like the fool or like the fool who like follows him! GAWD!

Westward Stabber: Enough of your games! The time has come! There can be only one! * eyes and mouth get REALLY wide (anime style)* Y66CC6666CC6666CC6666CC66AH! (He charges at yuffie)

Yuffie: LIKE SHORYUKEN! (an uppercut strikes WS and for a second as the blow connects everything stops)

WS: ARRRGGGGHHHHHH! (goes flying into the wall) (gets up) Y66CC66AAAATOOOKI! (shoots a fireball at Yuffie)

Yuffie: LIKE DONKWIAHDO OR SOMETHING!!!! (shoots two blue blades at WS the blasts connect with a ridiculously (sp?) large explosion)

WS: you are indeed a worthy opponent Yuffie.... but im afraid it is time to end this.... (draws an insanely huge gattling gun) SUPER SPECIAL MEGA ULTRA REALLY BIG BEAM THING THATS GONNA KILL YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!! (a blast larger than the gun AND its user flies from the barrel)

Yuffie: LIKE NOOOOOOO!!!! (the blast engulfs Yuffie) GAWWWWWWWWWDDDDDDD!!!!

WS: (gasping) i have won father! I have avenged you!

Father: whatre ya talking about? Im right here.

WS: oh.... ok..... hey there is no body.... (looks to horizen and eyes narrow) somehow... i dont think this is over yet...

The end?

Cait sez: Whee.
Hanpan sez: Fight! Fight!

Sorry about the Kenny Question a couple of days ago. Hey, maybe you can help me who killed Kenny (Or Wedge or Biggs) with your 8-Ball? Care to help?
Cait sez: The magic 8-ball says... FREE 15 MINUTE PHONE CARD. Hey, I won, I won! I get a free 15 minute phone card!
Finally thought of 20 questions. Agg, I am turning into Butch and Mukkie.
Cait sez: That wasn't a question, so I can use this space to talk about anything I want. Yesterday I was trying to buy these gumballs from this gumball machine, and it jammed up. So I was trying to pry out my quarter when my hand got stuck in there, and some stuff happened. The end.
Should I stop calling myself the anomynous reader?
Hanpan sez: We already know who you are anyway, simpleton. It says so in your e-mail address. Your name is Matt Elder.
Cait sez: Mwah ha ha! We know where you live!

Did you know they swear in the Superman show on that network? That dark side guy from apocalypse was destroying eart and I heard shit and damn several times. On a kid's show!!
Cait sez: That's scary. Hey, did you know that the Teletubbies are really swearing in Hungarian when they talk? Honest, it's true. I demand it be taken off the air!
Beef. It's what's for dinner. (I couldn't help saying it)
Cait sez: BEATH. It's what's for dinner.
Zwa ha ha

Greetings Mr Blick (If that IS your real name)

I see that Mr Sith has foiled my evil scheme to bombard you with useless AOL disks..... But I am not defeated, for now I have a Hotmail account! Now I shall defeat you using a combination of Cosmo Canyon Mailbag letters and secret Nazi movements. I will not rest until my task is completed...... I dont have a task yet.... But I shall reveal what it is as soon as I think of one!

The Anti-Glick

ps. My flatmate it NOT Glick's evil nemesis! I'm the evil one! Maybe Neil likes Aqua, but he isnt as truly evil as me.

Cait sez: The saga continues... Brian Glick and RPGamer versus the Anti-Glick and the Nazis. Hey, maybe you guys should meet in the parking lot of the Shinra Building at midnight and settle your differences there. And to make it even more exciting, you could fight with garden rakes! Spencer, send out a press release announcing the battle immediately.

Fritz sez: Speaking of Nazis, one of the janitors at our school looks a lot like Hitler, right down to the mustache. I'm not even kidding.
Ben McKee sez: Zucchinis are ripe.

Here's your info:

wassail (wòs´el, wò-sâl´) noun 1. a. A salutation or toast given in drinking someone's health or as an expression of good will at a festivity. b. The drink used in such toasting, commonly ale or wine spiced with roasted apples and sugar. 2. A festivity characterized by much drinking.

verb wassailed, wassailing, wassails verb, transitive To drink to the health of; toast.

verb, intransitive To engage in or drink a wassail. [Middle English, contraction of wæshæil, be healthy, from Old Norse ves heill : ves, imperative sing. of vera, to be + heill, healthy.] was´sailer noun

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Third Edition copyright © 1992 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Electronic version licensed from InfoSoft International, Inc. All rights reserved.

Wait that isnt a question is it?
Cait sez: Um, thanks. Now if I had any idea what the hell you were talking about, I'd be even more grateful.

Hitler looks like hitler but strype (me) doesn't.
Cait sez: Yeah, whatever.
Daravon sez: Kiss I with his mouth salamander you mother umbrella!

8. Where are all the materia slots on a megaphone?
8. Hanpan sez: On the side, where else?

9. Which part of you wears armor equipped to yoou?
9. Hanpan sez: This would be a good question, until you realize that YOU DON'T EQUIP ARMOR IN FF7. Simpleton.

8. Here is the long awaited question 8!
8. Hanpan sez: You already asked a question 8, dammit! Did you mean Question #7?

10. Why don't you get extra power from Choco/Mog. You're riding on a Moogle aren't you?
10. Hanpan sez: Okay, this one makes NO sense whatsoever. I'm not even going to try to answer it.

11. How much money have you spent on Vicks/Wedge funerals?
11. Hanpan sez: Ditto.

12. Why doesnt Cloud just sell his hair to wigmakers if he's low on cash, he could make Millions.
12. Hanpan sez: HeLP i'M goIN g INsaNe I can'tT tTaAK TEH THIS ANymORE
I don't really look that much like hitler.. being a cat anthropomorph (look it up) and all.
Cait sez: Um, okay.
Fritz sez: Honest, our janitor looks like Hitler. Right Ben?
Ben sez: HAAA FRITTER! Zucchinis are ripe!
Fritz sez: Never mind.

The following questions were of Beath of Flams's Pokerman:

If you cast spells with Tarot cards, wouldn't a more appropriate name be "Tarotman"?
Pokerman sez-a: I can-a use-a many types of-a cards -- playing-a cards, Tarot cards, even-a business cards.
I can-a play-a checkers with-a the business cards.

How much wood could a PyroChuck burn if A pyrochuck burned wood?
Pokerman sez-a: A pyrochuck would-a burn as much-a wood as a pyrochuck could-a burn if a pyrochuck
could-a burn-a wood.

When do you suppose ill regain feeling in the left side of my body?
Pokerman sez-a: You must-a pray to the Jello to regain-a your-a health! I am a faith-a healer as-a well as a poker player!
I have an arch-enemy? Why don't people ever bother to tell ME these things? Like, how am I expected to live my life in a blind rage, constantly visualizing inventive ways to kill my foes when I don't even know who they -are-?

Ah, but I'll track him down, yes! That is what I will do! By the headers, I can see that the message came from an address of "". Could that first bit mean "isdn?" Does that mean that my long-lost foe's name is actually "Eil?" What could Eil mean? So many unanswered questions!

Bria--err, Grian Blick

Pokerman sez-a: We all have-a our arch-a enemies. My-a arch enemy is my-a brother Pikachu, who has-a become an evil-a demon that gives seizures to-a young children. And now-a he is-a coming to America! Watch-a out for his PokeBeetles, if-a you-a see them, you must-a destroy them on-a sight before they-a dispense their-a stuffed Pikachus. Unnecessary force has-a been approved by-a the IRPO. I will-a be handing out-a rocket launchers on-a the street.

The thin man from Cid Wars sez: Eil is short of "Heil", as in "Heil Hitler", but they dropped the "H" because H is silent in Spanish. In other words, you're being targeted by a neo-Nazi movement! The entire U.S. government, the black helicopters, and the United Nations are after you! Run for your life before the Illuminati get you! Only you can save yourself!

Pokerman sez: Yeah, just like-a the Nazis that-a took over-a Cosmo Mountain in-a Beath of Flams, led-a by Dullard's evil twin-a Dullardhan (he has-an evil twin just-a like me). I hear-a Dullardhan might-a be-a back in Tactics Beath.

Fritz sez: Someone once called me the Nazi dictator of Cosmo Canyon, which is where that whole thing comes from, if you were wondering.

Ben McKee sez: Travis Allen is a communist!

Back to the regular staff:

Have you ever thought of hooking Crash Bandicoot up with Gex?
Cait sez: Hooking up Crash with Gex? I think they're both straight, actually. And the whole bandicoot-gecko thing just doesn't work.
Uh....what is this about
First Crash and Gex, and now Asellus and Gina. O--kaaay. No, Gina, is straight (see the Half-Mystic ending). Asellus and White Rose, on the other hand...
(suddenly, the head explodes, blowing the entire room into rubble. Hanpan and Cait are knocked unconscious)
Max sez: Whoops.
Fritz sez: Looks like we're going to need somebody else to take over the mailbag.
Kefka sez: Hi. Huh huh.

Hey cait... if you give me 3000 gil I'll y'know "do" artemis for ya...
Kefka sez: Do Artemis? Heh heh heh. Heh heh cool.

NO!!! WAIT!!! That didnt come out right! I meant assasinate! Ice! Waste! you know
Kefka sez: Huh huh, he said "assassinate."

Whew... so any way do i have a job?
Kefka sez: No. Get lost.

If not you wanna buy a slightly used mini gun? If armed with AP (armor peircing) rounds it can kill a
super mutant in a single shot... eh? eh?
"Piercing". Huh huh.

You should play fallout its the best RPG EVER made. Even better that Wild Arms! You have the
Westward Stabbers garuntee!
Do you get to SCORE in it?
Fritz sez: Okay, that's enough of this. Jean, I'm putting you in command.
Jean sez: Hullo.

I accept this fight on a condition Firstly I will not fight Glick alone, I am frail and weak. I will only fight a special tag-team match with my teammates comprising of nazi warlords and very bad wrestlers. Once I have defeated Glick's team, I shall move onto.......Cait Sith. For trying to accuse me of being my Aqua liking flatmate, I have kidnapped your Friend! I will only release Mog if you pay me a hefty randsome of 100gil!........uh, 100,000 gil! I will not rest until my task is completed!

The Anti-Glick

Jean sez: Gil, gil, gil. This is Yuffie's song.
Fritz sez: All right, I'm calling this off.

Did you know that 'bean sidhe' means "woman spirit"?
Cait sez: Hey, is that bean over there moving? Oh no! It's a Bean Sidhe! Run for your lives!
I have just one Q for you:
1)Why is there no action figure of you yet(I'm obsessed with toys)? And remember: If all else fails, you could always try and go after Felicia from Darkstalkers....
Cait sez: Um, in answer to your question, Felicia is a bit tall for me... same with Katt. And why did you bother numbering the question when there was only one? Sending that requires more computer power, which means more electricity, which means more fossil fuels have to be burned! You're destroying the environment! YOU MURDERER YOU!
To Mighty Mouse, the Rodent of Mithril:
Dear MM, I know that you are a superhero, but have you ever considered getting a sidekick, someone who can help you in your crimefighting? (And knows about your A.E.) For some hints on sidekicks, here is a starting list Bottles the Mole Red XIII Max Tails You can figure out the rest, think about it. Spencer(Cait's P.S.)
Stone Cold Hanpan sez: Yeah, I do need a sidekick. Even the Cids have a sidekick now (Peco). And why do I need a sidekick? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO! Max's pretty cool, maybe I'll talk to him.

Max sez: Shall I confront, subdue, and pummel the suspected perpetrator, Hanpan?
Hanpan sez: Sic 'em up, little buddy.
Max sez: I'm bigger than you are, Hanpan.
Hanpan sez: Oh yeah. Well, just get Domino pronto, okay?
Max sez: Hanpan, is "pronto" a real word?

Are tifas uh... y'know real?
Yes, that is a genuine gold ring she has. Or, uh, is that what you meant?
i antidisestablishmentarianismist ine dishgust of how people try imatate me why du yoo supose they do that.
Stone Cold sez: You spelled "Antidisestablishmentarianism" wrong, simpleton!
Where in all the seven hells did square get the idea for a lame ass game Like "Brave Fencer Mushashi?"
Cait sez: I don't know. They were supposed to give me a cameo appearence in it, but noooooooo....
I'm da farmer! I work with da animals! I work with da cows! I slaughter da cows! Da milk from chickens can be made into Post-It notes! My dog tastes like da Spam! I like da Spam!
Cait sez: Ok, this wasn't actually wasn't send to the Mailbag, but what the heck else were we going to do with it?
Hanpan sez: Let us take a moment to ponder the wonders of nature, like how your species ever survived natural selection.
Cait sez: This would have been the weirdest letter we've ever gotten, except this next one beats it hands down...

Word up Fools

Yo, I wuz just sent to dis hood to set sum shit straight. You see, me and my homez be down wit' Palmer, and we seem to think dat you be trippin' on Palmer HQ. Well, me and mah bro Bob be da numba one g'z around here, we busted a cap in Parappa'z skanky bitchass, and fo'sed PJ Berry to mix sum rhymes fo' us at gunpoint. We be baaad muthafuckaz, and our beat don't stop fo' no one, you know what i'm sayin'? Now, all we ask fo' iz a little respect to those who deserve it! You bizniches don't even give my g'z at Palmer HQ a link, when yo' page be a direct ca'bon copy of it! You do, howeva', give that cocksucka' playahata John La Rusic a link!

We be sen-sa-ble Bubble Dinosaurs, but we also badass Bubble Dinos. If you don't comply, we be puttin' yo' ass in a bubble.

Oh yes, diz here letter iz to go in de mailbag. We want de whole world to be down wit' dis. Ya know what i'm sayin'?

Wit' much Bubble Bobble love, Bub

Bub B. Bobble - Pimpass Bubble Dinosaur Extraordinaire
- -
- -
I'm the mack daddy Bubble Dinosaur, and it ain't no
joke, my flow is fresh as i take a toke / the word on
da streets is dat i'm a baad muthafucka, if you don't
believe it you a fool ass sucka! / If you in a bubble
afraid you might burst, you just messed with the dino
ranked in first, y'all!
Bubble Bobble y'all, Bubble Bobble y'all. If you be
a turkey we make you gobble.
I'm fresh and phat, and I got my gat, all the fools
don't funk like dat / In the rain or in the snow, my
bubbles be bad and thunderbirds are go! / I mack yo
ladies, and if you don't like it i'll make you cry
like a baby.
Bubble Bobble y'all, Bubble Bobble y'all, We make the
fool ass playa hataz topple.
The Bubble Bobble crew be on the scene, gettin' so
many honeys it's almost obscene / When your bo'friend
comes around I put him in a bubble, Then boot his
bitchass up to hubble! / We mack you fine, we mack you
slow, the bubble bobble crew muthafuckin' knows!
Bubble Bobble y'all, Bubble Bobble y'all, we make all
the ladies squeal and hobble.
Bub got the ladies *yaya*
Bikke the pirate's got mateyz *yaya*
We're a game from the '80s *yaya*
Yet quake be for babies *yaya*
Bubble Bobble y'all, Bubble Bobble y'all, every show we
do is always a mobble!
Peace out, Oldschool 8-Bit Brothers!

Cait sez: And there you have it, folks. Conclusive proof that truth is stranger than fiction.
Hanpan sez: This is without question the strangest letter I have ever seen.
Cait sez: Honestly, anything we could say here would take away from the sanctity of this moment. So we'll shut up now.

In Loving Memory Of: Calvin and Hobbes

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