Yuffie Kisaragi vs. Evil Cid (w/ popcorn)

Yuffie Kisaragi vs. Evil Cid (w/ popcorn)

(As we fade in, we can see red fireworks bursting, commemorating this special event. Two sparks fly into the audience, killing Vicks and Jessie. As always, Blue and Green blasts over the PA, but the crowd is too excited about the upcoming match to notice. The camera cuts to our announcers)

Cait Sith: Hey! Welcome to Not Exactly Celebrity Deathmatches!

Mog: Kupoppo! Tonight we have the battle of the Truly Evil Final Fantasy Characters!

Cait Sith: I've sworn under oath never to say the EVIL ONE's name again, but tonight we have HER vs. Evil Cid from FF1!

Mog: This should be an interesting kupo, considering we're not on either villain's side.

(Camera cuts to the audience, consisting of numerous Final Fantasy villains, including Zeromus, Kefka, EX Death, Sephiroth (off course), Rufus, Scarlet, Heidegger, Palmer, Gorky, Chehkov, Shake, and the Turks. Heidegger holds a sign saying "'Gya ha ha' loves Yuffie". Dr. Evil and his son, Scott make a cameo, too.)

Dr. Evil: Yes! This is the frickin' way to fight!

Scott: Why don't they just shoot each other? It's so much easier!

Cait Sith: Ick. Just looking at all of them makes me wanna hit myself with an HP Shout.

Mog: But watch out! Here come the most evil characters of all! It's Yuffie--

Cait Sith: Where is that spoony megaphone, anyway?

Mog: --and Evil Cid!

(Camera cuts to another part of the audience, where Cids II to VIII sit. Cid VII holds a sign saying "OPEN UP A #$^& CAN OF #%#$^$% WHUP $%#$ @^#$^# &$#^#!" Yuffie's theme song starts to play, and the audience holds their ears in pain. Yuffie steps through the ropes and walks to the center of the ring, followed by a hail of "boo"s, and bottles of booze (Haha! Ha! Ha!) She stamps her foot and four lightning bolts strike the turnbuckles. The crowd quiets down immediately.)

Mog: Ooh, scary. My wings are shaking. How about you, kupo?

Cait Sith: (under the booth) W, what? Is it over?

Mog: Now here comes the challenger for Most Evil FF Character, Evil Cid!

(Evil Cid throws his spear into the audience, which is attached to a rope (the spear, stupid), and pulls the spear out, along with a bag of popcorn. He starts to munch on it as he walks towards the ring. The Evilest Song in America starts to play. Even his ears start to hurt. In the audience, Dr. Evil "boogies down".)

Cait Sith: You won't believe this -- or want to, at that matter -- but Yuffie is going to sing the National Anthem!

Mog: Noooooookupoooooo!

(Yuffie starts to sing the National Anthem, and everyone in the stadium, besides Yuffie and Evil Cid, faints. Some people burst into flame. Cait Sith and Mog wake up to see Yuffie and Evil Cid already fighting.)

Cait Sith: Ohh, my ears... well, I think Evil Cid's taking advantage of the time, because it looks like he's just snacking on the popcorn.

Yuffie: Like, what are you, doing, old man? That's totally disgusting! You know how much butter they--

Mog: Ouch! Evil Cid's spitting the popcorn kernels at Yuffie's razor sharp teeth! That's gonna raise her dental bill, kupo.

Cait Sith: Yuffie's spitting her teeth at Evil Cid! That's GOTTA hurt.

Evil Cid: That's okay! I'll just stick these under my pillow tonight and get a lot of money, and I'll be a millionaire and I'll take over the world! Mwahahaha!

Yuffie: Money? (drools) Money... give me those teeth! No, um, better yet, like, give me YOUR teeth!

Cait Sith: THE THING takes her shuriken and hits Evil Cid in the face with it!

Mog: There's teeth all over the ground! Ouchy! But now, it looks like Evil Cid's about to use that bag of kupopcorn.

Cait Sith: With a swift move of his spear, he makes the bag of popcorn hit HER smack dab in her deformed face.

Mog: She's on the floor now with all the teeth and covered with butter... what is she doing? Kupo! It looks like the butter is making her mutate!

Cait Sith: Not another mutation on N.E.C.D.'s! Now SHE's mutated into Jenova*DAUGHTER!

(Crowd sighs in relief from not having to see Yuffie's face anymore.)

Mog: Kupo! Evil Cid's backing off! Yuffie smacks Evil Cid with a tentacle.

Cait Sith: Now Jenova*DAUGHTER is slapping the wits out of Evil Cid! She uses a low blow to cripple Evil Cid! He flies back and drops onto the floor.

Evil Cid: (moaning) ...Just... one... more step... and I could've... grabbed the entire world!

Mog: It looks like she's preparing for the Yuff Bomb!

(Jenova*DAUGHTER appeals to the crowd, but nobody reacts, since she doesn't have any fans. She sniffs and turns back to face Evil Cid)

Mog: 66CC66hhhhTHEYUFFBOMMB!! Evil Cid falls through the ring!

Evil Cid: Such....is life...

Cait Sith: And it's over, folks! SHE is your winner! Darn.

(Jenova*DAUGHTER transforms back into Yuffie, crowd groans)

Yuffie: I won! I, like, won! I... um... what was I saying?

Mog: Well, it looks like Yuffie retains the title of Most Evil FF Character Ever!

Cait Sith: That's it for tonight!

(Fade out with a giant picture of Yuffie's face.)

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