Pointless Chain Letter Rant

A Rant About Chain Letters

GoshSPOONIT, people! Quit sending me these spoony chain letters! And the stupid jokes! And the "hAy doOdiSz!!!!! fWd tsIh 2 6666662 pPs OR yLUl haV BAd luK 4 245987364 yRs ehehehehehehhehehhhehehhhLOLOL!!!!!111"

Stop believing in these 4th grade myths! Next thing I know, you're going to start sending 4th grade humor to me!

::starts quoting lines from "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit::

Just leave me alone. (me alone... me alone... me alone...)
Leave me alone... (me alone... me alone...)
Just leave me alone!

'N stuff! ::sobs::

And just to really get the point across, I'm going to make some nifty ASCII ART(R)(tm)(C)(tub) to let you all know how I feel about chain letters! No, it's not BLAUGH BOY:


Mr. Bungle:


or even Propeller Beanie Man:


It's my brand new one! And you "pPs" probably don't know what I'm talking about because I'm rambling on and on about nothing just because of a few chain letters stop james you're rambling again okay sorry.

Back to the ASCII FACE... It's Small Sad Sam!


See how sad I am?

--Serpent231, Proud Owner of http://i.am/231

PS: Ever wondered what would happen when a messed up guy like myself responds to a pointless chain letter to a bunch of people I don't even know? Well, my friends... it ain't pretty.

PPS: Not really a "PS" sentence, but more of a random outburst:

"Kiss I with his mouth salamander you mother umbrella!"

PPPS: And just to cap off this rant about nothing... It's an anti-chain letter chain letter that shows all y'all how stupid these letters are when you look back on them! Read on, McDuff! Tee hee!


Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

Really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please.... they'll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you moron!!!

Something else! Quick!!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?

STOP!!!! Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish.

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be attacked by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. it's true! Because, you know, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!

Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*5-10 people: 5-10 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*10-20 people: 10-20 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*20 to 674,951 people: 20 to 674,951 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter.You see, he is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no head, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Headless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out, Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters.

So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

Stupid Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of raw sewage, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

Stupid Horror Story #2

Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his girlfriend. They both died. Their families were so upset that anyone even remotely related to them (even by marriage) went crazy and spent the rest of their miserable lives in an institution. This Could Happen To You!!!

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be OK.

Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.


-A friend is someone who is always at your side,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you
smell like a refuse from a rotting garbage dump
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
-A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
-A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,
-A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be attacked by a mad goat and then thrown in a pile of manure,
-A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no, sorry - that's the cleaning lady,
-A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll be eaten by wild goats.

Chain Letter Type 5:

This e-mail is wicked-cool! It was started by Microsoft to test its e-mail tracking system because, you know, a big high-tech company like Microsoft always sends important new software out over the internet to be available to any moron who can operate a computer, right? Plus, they have formed a secret merger with Disney Corp., who has agreed to give up millions of dollars in revenue by giving everyone who reads this e-mail, passes it on, looks at it, knows someone that looked at it, or is related to someone who is a friend of someone who looks at it A FREE, ALL-EXPENSES-PAID TRIP to Disneyland, DisneyWorld, or EuroDisney! So pass this on to everyone you know that is gullible enough to believe this (or not)! Even if it's not true, hey - insulting all of your friends by implying that they are gullible by sending this to them is worth the improbable chance that you could go to Disneyland! Even if you lose all of your friends because they are tired of receiving this kind of junk from you, it's worth the chance, right? And just for good measure, if you don't send this on, Microsoft will send its specially trained attack-goats to pilfer your house and eat all of your family, SO SEND IT ON!!!!!

Chain Letter Type 6:

VIRUS WARNING!!! If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.

Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt toplay. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law's number. And so on and so forth...

So be careful! Forward this to all of your friends, relatives, neighbors, family, enemies, plumbers, garbagemen, stock brockers, doctors, and any other acquaintances! It's for their own good! Thank you.

Chain Letter Type 7:

Here is a cute picture I drew.

(\ /)
( \ / )
( \ / )
( /<>\ )
( / \/ \ )
/ \ __
( ) ( )

It is a decapitated angel. Send it on to all of your friends so it will brighten their day like it did yours! If you don't, demon-possessed goats will move into your house and eat all of your socks, leading you to believe that something is wrong with your washing machine because all of your socks keep disappearing. Have a nice day!!!

There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the seven main types of chain letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, please don't bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don't care, but why not show this around? Take two minutes and forward it.


Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it. If It's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the goatless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of raw sewage) just delete it. Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say,


And that's the bwah hah, cause Stone Cold swah ha!


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