The Quest for the Jade Monkey 2: Part One

The Quest for the Jade Monkey 2: Part One

by Serpent231

(note, this isn't actually a sequel; I just couldn't think up a name for my new fanfic ^_^)

Neko glanced at the clock as he waved the rest of the Cute Animal Characters in the direction of Cid's room.

"2:31 AM..." he read. "Okay, y'all, this is it! The big kahuna! The Emerald Weapon of them all! The white one!"

Mog shook his head. "The white one, kupo?"

"It's from Moby Dick." Spekkio said. Cait Sith giggled at the name as he opened the door.

"Quiet, kupo! You're gonna wake Cid up!"

"Nah, he wouldn't wake up even if I--Holy Materia!" Cait exclaimed.

"Huh? What--Holy Bible!"

"Holy God!"

"Holy carp in a bucket!"

"Holy bovine!"

"Holy Ajax!"


"Never mind."

"Hang on, who's talking right now?"

"Dunno. I think the author forgot to tell us."

"That's a big mistake you can make in a fanfic, y'know."

"Yeah, it--wait, never mind." Neko said.

"Well, that's an improvement, but he's gotta use a better verb than 'said', kupo!" Mog said.

"I'm allowed to do that!"the author said.

"No you aren't!" Cait Sith said.

"Yes I am! 'Said' is a perfectly legal word." the author said.

"Look, you guys, this is getting stupid." Neko said.

"Yeah, kupo," Mog said. "Let's get back to what we were doing in the first place."

"And don't use 'said' as much." Cait whispered.

* * *

Cid Highwind was dreaming peacefully. He was in the middle of Flushing Meadows, Cincinnati, and had been prancing around the grass in pink bunny slippers for hours while the ending theme from Chrono Trigger played all the while. Toilets surrounded him, and were all flushing simultaneously, making just as peaceful a sound as waves crashing into a coastal cliff, causing erosion and making it so some unfortunate person can accidentally plunge into the sea after the entire thing comes crashing down and--well, the waves part was accurate, at least.

Cid did a half-cartwheel and found himself in the middle of all the toilets. He spun his arms around, and launched into a verse of his new Tom Green song parody, The %*& %*& Song.

My %*& is in the meadow! %*& is in the meadow!
Look at me! My %*& is in the meadow!
My %*& is on the grass! %*& is on the grass!
It's a lot of fun to have your %*& on the grass!

Cid abruptly stopped as he heard a loud crash in the distance. It sounded like what happens when you rear end a golem with an 18-wheeler, but he wasn't too sure.

The crash grew louder as the ending theme stopped playing, and new background music began to play. Cid recognized it immediately. MmmBop. Something was very %$*%#  here, he realized.

And then the beast reared his ugly head. It was none other than a robotic Winston Churchill.

Standing at 231 feet tall with a cigar in his mouth and a demonic grin on his face, Churchill was a sight to behold. He surveyed the landscape of toilets and grass, spotted Cid in the middle of it, and gave a mighty roar.

"BLAAAAAAUUUUGH!!!" Churchill roared, firing a laser beam from his eyes.

"SCREEEAM!" Cid screamed.

Cid began to run for his life across the meadow, leaping over toilets and stomping the flowers as they were set ablaze by lasers. Toilets began to burst into flames for no reason. Cid stumbled over a rock and flew into the air as all the toilets spontaneously combusted and produced an impressive fireball in the background.

"Holy %&*#!" Cid said, stealing a line from just about every action movie star there is. He got up and began to run in circles as the robot tried to target him with his flamethrowing cigar.

* * *

Note: Since they haven't even told us what was so surprising in Cid's room, Cait Sith and the gang will do that scene over.

"Nah, he wouldn't wake up even if I--Holy Materia!" Cait exclaimed.

"Huh? What--Holy Bible!" Neko cried, "It's a--a--"

"IUFBYHSFDG..." Mog said, "I've seen this before."

"And...what the spoony's an IUFBYHSFDG?"

"It's an acronym that doesn't stand for anything." Mog explained. "The developers just typed some random letters on the keyboard, since they probably couldn't think of a name for it."


The IUFBYHSFDG was a gigantic machine that used to be used for security by Shinra employees everywhere (until the Duck and the Bottle Rocket Incident took place, that is). A springboard was placed in the bottom of a basin of water. When the intruder fell in the basin, the springboard at the bottom would bounce the victim onto a mouse cage. The mouse, who was actually Pinky from Pinky and the Brain, startled, would run around on his wheel, turning a conveyor belt with a bowling ball on it. The bowling ball would roll forward, eventually dropping onto a pair of hedgeclippers. The hedgeclippers would close, cutting the string of a balloon. The balloon would float to the ceiling and hit a pin, popping, and waking the owner of the machine up. One false move by an intruder could trigger this chain of events and suffer the consequences of somebody who hasn't had their morning cigarette yet.

"Just like I thought, kupo," Mog said, "Cid's using the basin. One of us will have to float. Now, what I want to know is this: What also floats in water?"

There was a silence.

"Materia?" C.S. guessed.

"Brie?" Neko guessed.

"My megaphone?"

"Very small rocks?"

"Bits of wood?"

"A duck." Spekkio said, walking up from behind. The rest of the CAC turned their heads.

"Correct!" Neko said, "So what does that mean?"

There was another silence.

"If one of us weighs as much as a duck..." Cait Sith said slowly, "then we can float in the water safely?"

"Very good!" Neko said.

C.S. gave a goofy grin as Mog and Spekkio patted him on the back.

"Now, who's going to volunteer to go and carry out the plan?" Neko asked the CAC.

There was another small pause, and Cait was pushed forward by Mog and Spekkio.

Neko took Cait Sith by the paw. "Good job, Cait Sith! You can go on to Cid's room now."

Cait Sith paused for a second while he tried to think of an excuse. This quote would actually become a famous quote widely used by Cosmo Canyon fans and readers reading this fanfic for years to come (well, probably not).

"What about the duck?" he said lamely.

"Oh, yeah. I'll get it out of my bag."

Neko opened his bottomless burlap sack of items and tossed out some coconuts, a herring, five pieces of biodegradable gum, a frozen mint flavored burrito, and a broken link before finding a blue and green scale and a live duck. He set the scale in the middle of the room, then placed the confused duck on the blue half of the scale. He then tossed Cait Sith on the other end.

"Hey, Nekupo, where'd you get those coconuts?" Mog asked.

"Shut up, I'm busy." Neko said as he tried to make the duck sit still.

"No, I'm serious, kupo," Mog continued. "I don't think they grow coconuts around here, even if we're in Costa Del Sol."

"It doesn't matter!" Neko said. "Now I--"

"I heard that they've got coconuts over in Mideel." Cait Sith interrupted.

"Yeah, that's right," Mog said. "But how did they get 'em over here, then?"

"Maybe they were imported."

"Nah... ships are always supposed to sink, remember? It's an RPG Cliché."

"Oh, yeah...That's right."

Cait Sith and Mog both sat down and thought for a while.

Mog suddenly jumped up. "Hey, kupo! What if a black chocobo carried them?"

"I thought the black chocobos could only go into shallow water..."

"No, I mean the ones that could fly."

"They're extinct, remember?"

"D'oh...I forgot."


"Look!" Neko fumed, "I don't wanna hear any more of this! Now get on the scale, Cait!"

"PMS..." C.S. said under his breath.

"I heard that!"

* * *

The robotic Churchill had been looking for Cid for about five minutes now, even though there was only one toilet left, and it was obvious that Cid was behind it.

Cid tried to catch his breath. "Huff. Puff. I hope @#%$^ Winston doesn't...oh, $*#^_^&:P$0_()*@;)!"

The stream of exciting new curses was probably caused by the fact that Winston had finally put two and two together (it's four, BTW) and figured out that Cid was hiding behind the last remaining toilet. Churchill slowly lowered his head down to the grass, and...

* * *

Cait Sith carefully lay down in the basin of water. Off course, since he weighed less that a duck, he floated perfectly. After giving a "Why me?" look to Neko, who gave him a "Ho ho hooo!" look in return, Cait cat-paddled (i.e. thrashed around) to the end of the basin and fell out.

Scanning his surroundings, Cait found himself in front of the mouse cage that Neko had mentioned earlier. Pinky, who was inside, gave him a friendly wave. C.S. returned the wave, then made the international gesture for "Hey, I need some help navigating around all this equipment. Could you direct me in the direction of that guy's alarm clock?"

Pinky nodded, and made the well known gesture for "Yeah, just walk straight ahead, turn to the right, turn right again, right again, and right again, and you'll have gone in a circle. Then just walk straight ahead some more and keep on doing that until you hit the table where the alarm clock is. Troz!"

Cait Sith gave Pinky the sign for "WAFFLES?! Did someone say WAFFLES??", realized this was wrong, tried again with "Very thanks!", and followed the directions that were given to him.

* * *

Meanwhile, Cid Highwind could be seen in the scorched meadow signing a paper entitled "My Will" as Churchill's lowered his cigar butt closer and closer to him (Sploit!). Cid looked up to see the glowing mass of, um, hot stuff that gave off sparks and was able to cook a hamburger faster than Palmer running towards a newly opened Red Lobster.

Cid began to finally panic. "Oh, where are you? I need you right now!"

Suddenly, there was silence.

And then there was Jizmo the wonder horse.

With a mighty "Neeeeighcough!" Jizmo flew through the air and began to fly circles around Winston Churchill's head*. He then plucked Cid off the ground, carried him between Churchill's legs, and the two flew to safety as Winston became dizzy and fell to the ground.

"Jizmo! You saved Easter!" Cid cried happily.

* Ever thought you'd see that line in a fanfic?

* * *

Cait Sith looked at the alarm clock that had fallen onto the floor, then turned to see Cid roll over in his sleep.

* * *

Cid held his arms out airplane style and gave a mighty "I'm the king of the WOOOORLD!" as Jizmo executed a barrel roll. Cid yelped and began to fall through the clouds.

* * *

Cait Sith hastily took Cid's alarm clock in his hands and began to set the time back as fast as a digital clock can be set-- that is, very slowly.

"2:46, 2:45, 2:44, 2:43... Blaaugh! Why the spoony'd they have to make these things so hard to use?"

The esper continued to curse under his breath as small clicks of a clock setting back further affected Cid's dream.

* * *

Cid Highwind was beginning to live up to his name as he tumbled through the clouds. He flapped his hands wildly as he came closer to becoming no more than a small crater in the meadow below. Suddenly, Jizmo appeared in front of him, and patted him on the head.

Cid shook his head as he continued to fall. "Must've been that last smoke I had before bed..."

"'Ere, 'ere," Jizmo said in British accent, "are you all 'ight?"

"Yeah, so could you just %#*# help me?"

"Ahh, you poor blighter..." the horse said. "jes' stiffen the upper lip--that's the ticket! I thought you might want to hear a li'le song I recently tossed off in the Caribbean."

"Shut the %#$*& up and help me!"

Ignoring the pilot's words, Jizmo the Wonder Horse broke into song in an attempt to cheer him up.

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble--give a whistle!
And this'll
Help thing turn out for the best...

Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing
If you're feeling in the dumps...
Don't be silly, chumps!
Just purse your lips and whistle -
That's the thing...

Cid didn't know what to make of this after a minute. After some strenuous thinking, he decided to go with his better judgment, and gave Jizmo a hefty punch that sent him flying "helluva far" into a nearby airplane with a schizophrenic pilot. Cid gave a sigh of relief--momentarily forgetting the fact that he was about to come crashing down to the meadow--and lit a cigarette. 

"Hey ::inhale:: I'm supposed to wake up before I land anyway, ::cough:: so what the %&*$..."

* * *

Cait Sith finally finished his task of setting Cid's clock back, and let out a deep breath (along with all the readers reading this...right?). He cautiously tiptoed, then walked, then ran, and finally sprinted away from the snoring pilot, past the trash can full of thrown away Nicorette ads, past Pinky's cage (after giving the gesture for "taNx DOOd@!")...only to trip on a stuffed squirrel and fly into the basin of water.


Cait Sith sunk to the bottom and was bounced by the springboard onto Pinky's cage. Pinky, terrified that his friend had turned on him like this, began to run around on his wheel, triggering, well, you know the rest. Cid gave a snort and turned onto his stomach as his room began to self destruct for no reason (hey, it happens all the time in RPGs...).

Cait, still atop the mouse cage, saw that the door to Cid's room had sssslllloooowwlllyyy started to close, and began to panic. There was no telling what could happen to him if Cid woke up.

"Probably the soft cushions or the comfy chair this time..." Cait said as he stopped time to reach into the void where the FF7 characters usually store their items. After tossing away a few Triple Triad cards, a plush Lucky Dan chocobeanie baby, an empty packet of Grizzly Twizzlies, and a miniature lamppost, he pulled out an Escape Rope.

As various parts of the room burst into flame, Cait Sith quickly made a lasso out of the rope and tossed it at the door. The lasso hooked perfectly onto the doorknob (does the Escape Rope ever fail in situations like these?), and immediately the cat esper swung Tarzan style across the room.

Actually, it was more like swinging George of the Jungle style, as Cait had no sooner jumped than he saw the door close shut. With a raging fire beneath him, the cat knew that he couldn't let go of the rope, and was instead forced to hold on and crash through Cid's door. As the pilot finally woke up, large chunks of wood bombarded the Cute Animal Characters on the outside, narrowly missing Mog's little boingy thing on his head*.

"Mmmphg...Shera, no....grbhlgm...." Cid jolted in his sleep and momentarily woke up, saw the room tumbling down around him, then turned over on his side and began to snore again--after all, cigarettes can increase the chance of drowsyness. [No, not really]

"Whoooakupo!" Mog exclaimed. "We were in the middle of Parcheesi!"

"Yeah, and I was winning, too..." Spekkio said.

Neko shusshed (sp?) Spekkio with a paw and asked Cait the all important question of

"What about the duck?" bad.

"Well, did you set the clock back?"

"Well...I thrashed around in the basin and then when I got out I saw Pinky in his cage which was kinda cool since I've never met him before--"

"Yeah, yeah, get to the end." Neko said.

"Then I gave him the symbol for something and--"


"Then I went to Cid's bed and saw a bunch of cigarettes 'n stuff--"


"And Cid kept snoring all the time and that ticked me off--"



"Just tell us if you set the clock back! If he wakes up before we do, then he's gonna play Cidfighter Blade Force Caliber Kids Bushido Stone Kombat Turbo Hyper Fighting Championship Edition EX Plus Alpha Gear Gold Vendetta 2nd Edition Revenge: 3rd Strike Tag Tournament Edition 63 1/3: Night Warriors' Dreams DX with Dual Shock Support--" Neko paused to take a deep breath, "the whole morning, and I'll miss my show at three."

"Okay, okay, I did it..."

"Tres bien." Neko said, feigning a foreign accent as he began to walk out of the hallway.

Cait's eyes became slightly larger. "Wait, you were gonna watch a show?"

"Yeah, Extreme Mouse Wrestling on WARK. They're finally gonna show why Stone Cold Hanpan ditched Big Itchy after the last PPV."

"Rriiiight...Well, that's just too bad, cuz' I've gotta watch Celebrity Deathmatch at three. I've been waiting for that match between the Cactuar and Lucky Dan for hours now."

"Huh? But my show's on at the same time!"

"You spoony bard! It's...uh...illegal to watch wrestling instead of the Deathmatch!"

"Who told you that?"

C.S. racked his brain for a lie. "I...think Rufus told me once when I midget wrestling at his office...yeah...then he threw me out...or something."

"Cait, quit lying and just let me watch the show."

"Nooo!" Cait Sith whined. "Lemme watch my show, or, or..." he grabbed Mog by the Boingy Thing on His Head*. "Or the moogle gets it!"

"You's five to three right now..." Spekkio said impatiently. "I'm hungry."

Neko threw Spekkio a Milk Bone from his bag and turned back to Cait Sith, who was having trouble with Mog. "Cait, I'm serious. Why do you think we went through all this trouble to set Cid's clock back?"

"Hey, I was the one who *ow* went through all the trouble of *quitbiting!* setting the clock back..."

Spekkio wiped the crumbs off of his mouth and checked his watch. "Four minutes..."

"Okay, let's just do this the easy way, then." Neko said quickly.

"You mean..." Cait Sith's eyes lit up as he let go of Mog.

"Yep. Let's rap for it!"

"Ya hoo! Alright!"

The CAC began to walk towards the living room as the picture faded out and some heroic music began to play.

End of Part One 'n Stuff...

* If anybody knows what that thing is, please e-mail me at

Spethial Thankth Tho Far:

Tempus, who remains on my "yOU  roKc dooD!!!!@@2!!1" list for giving me Jizmo the Wonder horse and Winston Churchill, and also for giving me support on my first fanfic (the Quest for the Jade Monkey) along with all o' them other reviewers at

All the Cosmo Canyon fans out there for keeping the tradition alive, and for giving me the inspiration to write this.

Fritz Fraundorf, who still remains as someone who you must worship until you're 23.1 years old.

David Gowdey

Yvonne Deasy Gowdey


"Thanks for reading!" --Serpent231

Feedback is appreciated. If not, then I won't invite you to my birthday party! So there! Nyah!

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