By James Gowdey
It was a dark and somewhat-stormy-but-foggy-at-the-same-time
night in the city of Midgar. Vincent, Barret, Cid, and Cait Sith were seated
in the middle of the living room of their house, playing Monopoly. Red XIII
and Hanpan were playing chess next to them.
Tifa Lockheart leaned back and sighed. Everything was going right. Good business at 7th Heaven, Chinese food, and best of all, dinner with Cloud. And Aerith. And Yuffie. "Okay, so maybe this isn't perfect if Yuffie's here..." Tifa thought to herself, "But at least Cloud is."
"Hey, does anyone know why people decided to use chopsticks?" Yuffie asked, "I mean, what kind of a dolt would use a couple pieces of wood instead of the nice....shiny....gleam of.....silverrrwarrrrrrr--" Her voice trailed off at the thought of silver. Tifa sighed.
"Hey, has anybody realized that we haven't gotten our food for 40 minutes?" Aerith said, "What's taking them so long?"
"They're probably just putting more time into it then usual," Cloud said, "I mean, we are the ones that saved the world."
"NO YOU DIDN'T!!" a voice yelled from across the room, "IT WAS ME! AND DOMINO! AND MUKKI! AND--HEY! WHAT'RE YOU--OW! OW!!!!" Shortly, he was brought out the door.
"Stupid neurotic..." Tifa muttered, "We did save the world.."
"What were we talking about?" Cloud asked, "I forgot."
"Why they haven't given us our food yet." Aerith replied.
"Hey, I bet it's just because those Chinese people are stupid and aren't competent enough to cook it," Yuffie said, "I mean, they are the ones who use chopsticks instead of--"
"Shut up, Yuffie." Aerith said, disgusted, "Chinese are cool."
"YEAH, BUT YOU AREN'T, CLOD! YO MAMMA SO DUMB IT TAKES HER--OW! QUIT IT! OW! OW! HEY, WHERE'RE YOU TAKIN' ME?! YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME, CLOD!!" The voice trailed off as it was dragged away.
"He appears to be angry at me." Cloud observed. Just as he said that, a man came out of the kitchen and handed them their food.
"We are sorry," he apologized, "We had to put extra time into it because you kind people saved the world."
"See?" Aerith said to Yuffie triumphantly, "Chinese are cool!"
"Hmph," Yuffie grumbled, still not convinced, "If they were cool, they'd offer me that Jade Monkey sitting on the altar over there."
"A jade monkey on an altar.." Aerith noted, "Isn't that a little too weird to put in a simple fanfic like this? What kind of a dolt would do that?"
"I HEARD THAT." boomed a voice from above.
Back at the house, Cait Sith was busy chatting with Luna on the internet, Red XIII was writing his autobiography "How I Use a Comb as a Weapon and Other Mysteries of FF7" the sequel to 'How Relm Uses a Paintbrush in Battle: Who Thought This Up?', Barret was playing Parappa with Cid, who wanted to play Cidfighter, Vincent was sitting in a chair, thinking as usual, and Hanpan had fallen asleep.
Cait Sith typed,
In the words of Barret, "How yo' bein?"
Serena's been sluffing off in school again, Artemis fell off the roof,
and I think I'm getting a gray hair. You?
Barret's trying to play Parappa with a gun-arm again....
Back at IHOD, the trio were enjoying a meal of good ol' Chinese food. Unfortunately, an evil life form at the same table was being incredibly annoying. As usual.
"This food sucks!" Yuffie whined, "Where're the twice-as-large-as-fast-food -places' hamburgers that cost too much?"
"Just shut up and eat." Cloud said, chewing a piece of tofu.
"Yeah, Yuffie," Aerith said, munching a piece of Peking Duck, "IHOD doesn't serve junk, it serves food."
"Hey, I like junk!"
"You would." Tifa muttered.
"But I thought hamburgers were junk only if they came from fast-food places!" Yuffie whined some more.
"Nope," Tifa said, "The rule changed. It's about the only thing that Shinra's done right."
"Those damn Shinra...." Yuffie muttered.
15 minutes later.... "I don't know how to hold these stupid chopsticks!" Yuffie complained.
"Will you be quiet already?" Tifa said, annoyed, "I haven't been able to think about why they have that Jade Monkey on the altar ever since you started talking!"
"Huh?" Yuffie asked stupidly.
"You know, the monkey over there above Biggs and Wedge. Look, it just fell on Wedge."
"What monkey?" Yuffie asked again.
"Look, it's right next to that table over there where the moose and the duck are sitting."
"Still don't see it."
"Look, it's the thing that everybody's pointing at."
".......Wait a sec.......wait...........waiiit............nope."
Tifa slumped down in her chair.
"You actually bothered to help her?" Aerith asked not believing what had happened.
Oh.....that monkey...Hey, that's a nice monkey!"
"Don't get any ideas," Cloud told her, "Master Moo Shoo might throw us out."
"That worthless piece of pork? No way."
"Hey, he's not worthless, he was almost in a game!" Tifa countered, "That is, until his brother rapped better than he did. He almost owned the Meates Dojo!"
"That game was stupid. Now, Grand Theft Auto and Wedgger, those are games!"
"The game about that frog with the stupid name?" Tifa laughed out loud.
"WEDGGER STINKS!!" A small frog sitting across the room turned his head and glared at Tifa.
"Oh, I am so sorry. What're you gonna do, zap me with your little heat-seeking tongue?"
Wedgger nodded and targeted his tongue at her.
"Tifa! Duck!" Aerith shouted.
"No thanks, I'm full."
"No! I mean--"
Wedgger opened his small mouth releasing his long tongue which stretched out and flew at Tifa. Tifa ducked and the tongue flew at Yuffie. Instead of hitting Yuffie however, the tongue paused and slapped Aeris in the side of the head.
"Wedgger's tongue seems to have hit Aerith instead of Yuffie and Tifa." Cloud observed.
"The heat-seeking tongue changed targets because Yuffie's cold-blooded." Tifa explained.
"Am not!" Yuffie pouted.
"Uh....." Yuffie tried to remember what to say next.
"That frog's gonna pay...." Aerith muttered, concentrating on a spell.
Wedgger stuck his tongue out at Aerith.
"FLARE!!" Aerith called out.
Balls of flame spiraled around Wedgger, coming faster and closer, until sucked themselves into him. After a short pause, they flew out, bursting the frog beyond recognition. Green goo flew everywhere, scorching whatever they touched.
"Oh my god! You killed Wedgger!" Yuffie shrieked at Aerith.
Everybody in IHOD cheered, except Biggs; he had been killed by the goo.
Chun-Li sighed. Everything had been going perfectly at Chop Chop Master's International House of Peking Duck (IHOPD) until Sakura mentioned Tail of the Sun. Then Rose had to blast that caveman guy who threw his club at her with a Soul Spark and drive him out of the building.
Rose sighed. If Chun-Li hadn't yelled at the caveman and told him that game stunk more than anything else, then she could have had a good time eating her Peking Duck.
Ryu sighed. He hated eating out.
Sakura groaned. She had missed Loveboat: The Next Wave. Oh well, she could always listen to Hanson if she wanted to feel better.
"Hey, did you just feel that?" Cait Sith asked Vincent, who was the only other one awake.
"It's like some others that are like some of us are somewhere else..."
"Or maybe it was that pear I had for lunch."
"So." Ryu said, trying to start a conversation as they were walking home through the cold fog.
"I said SO." Ryu repeated.
"Sorry, we can't hear you over Sakura's groaning.
"Sakura, don't make him hit you with a hadoken..." Rose warned.
"He can't hit me with one of his fireballs! I'm his number one fan!"
"You aren't his number one fan, I am. Chun-Li told Sakura, "And they aren't called 'fireballs', they're 'hadokens'."
"Yeah well, don't hurt me with one of your uh, Suidokens or whatever." Sakura mumbled.
"And I'm his number one fan!" Rose cried at Chun-Li.
"No you aren't!" Chun-Li countered.
"I'm his number one fan!" Sakura whined.
"No you aren't! I am!"
"No, I am!"
"No, the boy is mine!" Sakura argued.
"No he isn't, no he isn't!" Rose and Chun-Li both shot back.
"Uh.........darn." Sakura didn't know what to say next.
"Yuffie, I can't believe you like Frogger." Aerith said to Yuffie as they strolled back to the house.
"Well, I like Hanson, Tail of the Sun, Loveboat: The Next Wave, Grand Theft Auto, The Spice Girls, Spawn: The Eternal, Pikachu, Teletubbies, The Virtual Boy, and Camp Nowhere, so why shouldn't I like Frogger?"
"She's got a point there." Cloud pondered.
"Really? I do?!" Yuffie gasped, astonished, "That's like, the first time!"
"No, I meant there's something pointy sticking out of your pocket."
"Oh. The Jade Monkey."
"Let me see that." Aerith said, reaching for Yuffie's pocket.
"No! Ha, ha. Uh, that's okay. You don't have to see it, I'll, uh, read what's on the bottom." Yuffie began to read the fine print on the bottom of the Jade Monkey:
"Spamsolvania? Where 'n the heck is that?" Cloud asked,
Cait Sith heard a knock on the door. "Vince, they're here." he called to Vincent, "Lets see if Cloud managed to retain his dignity."
Vincent, ignoring Cait, strode over to the door and opened it.
Yuffie made a dramatic entrance through the door, grabbed all her belongings, a mouse, and a copy of MmmBop, tied them in a sack, and burst out the door again before Cloud, Tifa and Aerith even had time to get in.
"What's with her?" Vincent asked.
"Oh, nothing," Tifa replied casually, "She found some sort of a Jade Monkey, so now she's all worked up over something.
"Did you say Jade Monkey?" Cait asked Tifa.
"Oh, the Jade Monkey has gone down a few generations in my family. Sit down, my friends and I shall tell you a tale."
"Uh, no thanks. We, uh, haven't got time." Aerith said hastily.
But it was too late.
"It all started back in...say 65,000,000,000 B.C. when a caveman named Kino set foot on a pointless quest to restore all the organic tomato plants in the whole of Patagonia..." Cait began.
"This could take a while.." Tifa grumbled.
3 hours later....
"And that's why they sell hot dogs in packages of eight and hot dog buns in packages of six." Cait Sith finished.
"So what does that have to do with the Jade Monkey?" Vincent asked.
"I dunno. It's a cool story though." C.S. replied, "I'll tell you another."
"We're ba-aaaaaack." Sakura called in her high pitched whine, waking everybody up as Ryu, Chun-Li, Rose and she entered the house. Everybody in the house, except Sakura, plugged their ears.
"What 'n the @&$#@ was that??" Ken roared, "Damn, I'm pissed!"
"Do more swim a send!" Sodom said, waking up.
"Wake-up calls....Back in my day, we had buckets of ice water dumped on our heads! And we had to sleep naked, too! Had to use our own clothes for covers! Didn't have none of these fancy shmancy pillows and sheets! That's cuz' we were tougher back in the day....Super moves, Alpha Counters, Turbo Speed, Auto Guard, Custom Combos, humphh! All we had were a standing Jab, a jumping Strong punch, and a low Roundhouse! And we knew how to use em', too! Why I remember one fight where I....." Gen ranted.
"Shut up, Gen." Dan mumbled sleepily, tossing a pillow at him. The old man ducked quickly, causing the pillow to ricochet of the bicycle hanging on the wall. It hit Dan square in the face, knocking him out the window and killing him. The broken glass and the frame of the window fell onto Charlie, killing him as well.
"Go jaw clack boot!" Sodom grunted.
"Oh my God! You killed Dan and Charlie!" Chun-Li exclaimed.
"You bastards!" Ken yelled, "Charlie hasn't even said anything yet!"
"Hey, what did I say about all this throwing pillow stuff?" Rose said, flipping on the light.
"If you don't have anything nice to throw, throw a futon." everyone in the room chorused.
"That's better." Rose said.
"Futon war!!" Chun-Li cried, hurling a futon at Akuma, who was sitting in the corner, concentrating.
"My patience is wearing thin....." Akuma grunted.
"Sorry." Chun apologized.
Futons flew across the room, smashing into anything in the room. Two targets were Dan and Charlie--who had just re-spawned--who were instantly suffocated.
"Oops, my bad." Rose said, her hand over her mouth.
"Die get key, do!" Sodom said, tossing a futon at Ryu.
The next morning in Midgar, Cait Sith had told Cloud, Tifa, Aerith, and Vincent the stories of Why They Sell Hot Dogs in Packages of Eight and Hot Dog Buns in Packages of Six, How the First Supermarket Got a Discount on Cheese, Why Stamp Paste is So Magically Delicious, Why AOL is So Unreliable, The Reason We Should all Wear Scuba Diving Gear, How ICQ Got So Cool, and finally, The History of the Jade Monkey.
"I can't believe you kept us up all night listening to stories about nothing." Tifa grumbled to Cait Sith.
"Kinda like Seinfeld, ain't it?" Cait remarked.
"Wait, wait, wait. WHICH was the first ride to make you dizzy?" Cloud asked, shaking his head.
"It was the Crowbar Whirl." Cait Sith told him.
"Oh, yeah....."Cloud remembered, "Thanks. And what was the first cheese the supermarket discounted?"
"About this Jade Monkey," Vincent interrupted, "It's manufactured in Spamsolvania, Cat Espers are supposed to find it, and they're also supposed to stop those who carry the Jenova cells from doing anything bad with it?"
"Yep. Now I've gotta go take it back before she does something Yuffieish with it." Cait replied.
"What do you think she's planning to do with it?"
"Oh, I bet she'll melt it down and make a Shuriken out of it to take over Spamsolvania." Cait replied coolly.
"No, even Yuffie wouldn't do something like that." Tifa said.
"If that was a horse, I wouldn't bet on it." Cait said to her, hopping over to his room.
"What did he mean by that?" Cloud questioned.
"We'll explain it to you later, Clod, er, Cloud." Aerith said hastily,
"Why don't we all go to sleep. Tifa, you can sleep on the couch."
"No! You have the couch! I want to sleep next to Cloud!"
"No, I should!"
"Cloud likes me more!"
"No, he likes me more."
They continued to argue, unaware of the fact that Cloud had already taken the couch.
Yuffie was in deep thought. Hmm...I wonder if I could
melt this Jade Monkey down and make a newShuriken out of it and threaten
this whole town for no reason! Yeah, Icould, couldn't I? What do I have to
lose? Except for the nice........shiny ....Jade......Monkey........No! Snap
out of it, Yuffie! Just because you've got Jenova cells inside you doesn't
mean that you have to think about profit all the time! Mmm....profit...
Sakura woke up early the next morning. Futons were strewn all over the place, hanging from the ceiling; they were everywhere. Sakura grabbed one and examined it. "Hey, this is a nice futon! Where was it made? Maybe I could get more if I--Hmm, Spamsolvania, eh? If I got a few more of these, I could develop some hideous plan to rule the world! Course I don't know how."
"You've got it all wrong." Akuma said calmly, "You have to start off well. What you want to do is--"
"Hey! Who said that?"
"Fine. Don't listen to my plan. BE that way."
"No, no. Keep going. I suck at plans."
"I can tell. Now, the best way is to run into the town with the futon
strapped to you, laughing like an idiot and pretending there's a bomb
on you instead."
"That shouldn't be too hard to do."
"Right. Next you go up to the mayor of the town and say something like--"
"Thanks, 'Kuma! I'll be on it right away!" Sakura thanked him hastily, gathering all her belongings, a hamster, and a copy of Spice and dashing out the door before Akuma could finish his sentence.
"Kids these days...Never listening to any ding-dang doggonnit word you tell em." muttered Gen, waking up, "Back in my day we had this here thing called discipline! Yessiree, none of this interrupting 'n talking back! It was 'Yes'm', and 'Yessir'. No siree, don't see any of this stuff these--"
"Shut up." Ken interrupted.
"Now where did Yuffie go to?" Ryu wondered, "Akuma? Any ideas?"
"Oh, she was going to go to Spamsolvania with a futon strapped to her pretending it was a bomb and threaten the whole city for their futons then develop some hideous Sakura-like plan to rule the world." Akuma replied.
There was a silence.
"Oh." was all Ryu said.
"Anyone want breakfast?" Eliza asked the street fighters.
"What the @?$@ are you hanging around here for, Eliza?" Ken yelled, "Go and make us some #@&%@&* tea!!"
Yuffie sighed to herself. She couldn't just melt the Jade Monkey by herself. She needed some sort of assistance, some other person who was as crazy as she was. Then she could take over Spamsolvania.
At that moment, a teenage girl with a futon strapped to her back burst into the town.
"Oh, Jenova, I thank you most greatly for this offering." Yuffie thanked her mom.
"Hey, do ya wanna buy a monkey?" George's sales-pitch could be heard as the futon girl ran through the town, laughing maniacally.
"No! No! Don't do it! The aliens will come and take it! Our rocket to the Hale-Bopp Comet will be delayed! Worlds are colliding!!" the thin man was in hysterics.The girl pushed her way by the two men and continued running toward the mayor's manor.
"Hey, what's your name?" Yuffie called out as the girl dashed by.
"Sak.....ura" Sakura panted.
"Sak Ura? What the heck kind of a name is that?"
But Sakura had already dashed off.
"O-kaaaaay." Yuffie said, scratching her head.
Sakura was getting closer and closer to the manor when she was stopped by
two guards who stepped in front of her.
"Halt. Do you have an appointment?" one guard asked Sakura.
"Uh.......yeah...." she answered slowly.
"What is it?" the other asked
"Well, I have a bomb strapped to me and--"
"What?! A bomb? We'll die again!!" the guard cried, running down the steps.
"Hey, Biggs! Wait for meee!!!" the other guard called, following his partner. In moments, Biggs and his partner had dashed off. Moments later, they were killed by a passing chocobo cart.
"Whoa! I guess it pays to tell the truth sometimes after all!" Sakura said to herself, striding into the manor.
Cid woke up and checked the clock. "Five ^@?$@* o'clock?! What the $^%#?"
"Actually," Vincent explained to him, "It's eight in the morning. Cait Sith changed all the clocks around so we'd all think it's too early and sleep in."
"He be a cleva little foo'." Barret put in.
"Where is the little *#@&@# anyway?" Cid asked Barret.
"Oh, he be gone fo' a long time." Barret replied casually, "He be goin' Spamsolvania. Said somtin' 'bout a Jade Monkey. Said it be import'nt to him."
"Hmm..." Cid was in deep thought, "What's for breakfast, Shera?"
"Cait took it all. He said that he'd be needing 'motivation' for his trip." Shera told him, "Here's the note he left."
Cid took the note and read it.
"What the ^@#% kind of a letter is that?!!" Cid exclaimed,
"Who the @^%$ cares if he can make a face with the *@$% keyboard?! Damn,
Cait Sith was confused. He had walked into Spamsolvania and was instantly confronted by some guy named Independent George who wanted him to buy a monkey.
"I'll ask you again, cat," George grunted at Cait, "DO YA WANNA BUY THE STINKIN' MONKEY OR NOT??"
"No, the aliens killed my family! They are Saddam Hussein's mentors! He's one of them! Don't do it, cat! Don't do it!!" the thin man cried.
"I'll answer you again, George," Cait grunted at George, "NO, I DON'T WANNA BUY THE STINKIN' MONKEY!!"
"Okay, whatever." George turned to another person to pester.
"All right!" Cait Sith said aloud.
C.S. walked over to the Spamsmith to see if Yuffie had been there. When he tried to describe her, the Spamsmith said that he didn't see any demons come around. Cait was disappointed, but bought a Spam Cap that read, "I Don't Brake For Demons". After he left the Spamsmith, Cait Sith hopped over from person after person, this time being more descriptive when he tried to describe Yuffie.
"Nope, Jenova's been dead for a long time." one villager answered.
"Haven't seen no winged demons around here ever since Hanson came here during their world tour." another replied.
"What's a Yuffie?" a third asked.
Cait Sith sighed to himself. He would never find Yuffie unless he had a radar system built out of Spam. "Wait a minute, that's it!" Cait jumped up from where he was sitting, "I'll ask the Spamsmith to forge a radar system out of Spam! It can't fail!"
10 minutes later....
"Waddya mean, 'We don't have the technological advancements in history yet' ?!" Cait Sith fumed, "I mean, you have buildings and stuff!"
"Yeah, but have you ever tried to make a TV out of Spam?" the Spamsmith answered.
"Actually, I have...." Cait remembered, "Yep, I remember it like it was this Tuesday."
"But, it is Tuesday."
"Look, cat. The point is this: The most technologically advanced thing we have ever built out of Spam is an elevator, and it took three years."
"Hey, that's pretty good. I bet if you can make that, then--" Cait said, thinking.
"Just, all I'm trying to say is: "I CAN'T MAKE A TRACKING DEVICE OUT OF SPAM!"
"Hmmph. How did you get to be made Spamsmith?"
"Well, first of all, I was given the job of street sweeping." the Spamsmith explained.
"Well, what happened?"
"Well, one-by-one, everybody got in the way."
Cait Sith walked out the door, muttering to himself. "I just guess I'll have to find someone else to make a tracking device out of Spam."
"You do!" the Spamsmith called after him.
There was a pause.
"I'm going to!" Cait retorted.
"Fine!" Cait finished.
Just as he walked outside, Cait realized that the Spamsmith was the only one that knew how to make things out of Spam. "D'oh!"
After breakfast, the street fighters began on a plan to stop Sakura from taking over Spamsolvania.
"It's all your fault," Rose was saying to Akuma, "if you hadn't told Sakura what to do, this wouldn't have happened."
"Hey, it was a pretty good plan." Akuma countered.
"Plans these days....Back in my day, it took weeks to think of a plan that would actually work! Yep, we put time and effort into plans in those days, none of these plans-you-think of-on-the-spot-at-the-last-minute that have a 12% chance of working. Why I remember one plan where me and my ol' hound dog'd--" Gen began.
"Will you shut the @&%$#^ up?!" Ken screamed at Gen.
"Show sea send bang!" Sodom exclaimed.
Rose was annoyed. "That's the point, stupid. It was a good plan!"
"But what's the point of that?" Ryu asked Rose.
"The point is that the plan will work!"
"So if the plan works, what will happen?" Rose groaned. "Sakura will take over Spamsolvania!!"
"Is that a bad thing?" Akuma asked her.
"It uh er what?"
"Insect politics!!" Rose cried.
"Oh, back a son!" Sodom replied.
"Moving back to Sakura's plan," Chun-Li glared at Rose, "how are we going to--"
"Aren't we already talking about her plan?" Charlie questioned Chun-Li.
"Quiet. Now what should we do about this situation?"
"Die job death car?" Sodom asked.
"What are you doing here, Eliza?? Go and make some goddamn tea!!" Ken yelled.
Eliza ignored him and raised her hand. "I bet we can probably just run into Spamsolvania and--"
"--try to stop Yuffie from taking it over." Red XIII said to Tifa.
"Huh? You're missing half the sentence." Tifa said to him, puzzled.
"I know, I just felt like saying that."
Barret looked just as puzzled. "Wha' the dilly yo'? You be one strange little mutt."
20 minutes later....
"You still be one strange little mutt." Barret told Red XIII again.
"Hey, I haven't said anything for 20 minutes. How can I still be strange?" Now Red was puzzled.
"I know. That be why you be weird."
"You humans make no sense."
"Hey, guys, I think I see Spamsolvania." Cloud informed the party.
"Uh, yeah. We're right in front of it." Aerith said to him.
Spamsolvania was huge. The main gate was made entirely out of Spam. In fact, just about every structure in the town was constructed of Spam. Buildings wobbled over the inhabitants, threatening to collapse at any second and ingulf them in Spam.
"Whoa, it's a nightmare come true." Tifa exclaimed.
The party entered, weapons drawn, ready to fend off any Spam monsters that came their way, but none came.
"Oh, yeah, I forgot, Vincent told the party, taking out a large book,
"It's in the Dictionary of RPG Clichés. Here it is, 'All towns are totally safe from monsters for no apparent reason.'"
"We'd better look around for Yuffie and Cait." Tifa suggested.
"An excellent suggestion."
"Then what are we waiting for?" Cloud asked the rest of the group, "Lets m--"
"#$*^%@&@*$^@&@$!!!" Cid swore.
"I mean, uh, move out!"
They began to walk around, searching for Yuffie and Cait Sith. Unfortunately, Yuffie wasn't to be found anywhere, since she had snuck into the door after Sakura got past Vicks and Wedge. They didn't know that, of course.
"Hey, my name's Independent George. Ya wanna buy a monkey?" George was asking Barret and Cid.
"Why the *@%# would we wanna buy a @^$$@ monkey for?" Cid fumed, "We're lookin for an evil teenage girl by the name of Yuffie."
"Evil teenage girl, eh? Was--" George stopped to think.
The thin man interrupted. "Don't listen to him! He's just lying so we can get zapped by the aliens! The world's gonna explode in five hours if we don't do something! We have to prepare the launch for Hale-Bopp! Quick! Everyone out of the town!"
"Shut yer hole, foo'!" Barret yelled at him.
"So, was she carrying a shuriken and wearing and arm guard?" George asked Cid.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen her?"
"Nope. Can't say that I did."
"Awww..." Cid and Barret walked away.
"Unless..." the man pondered.
"Unless what?" Cid asked anxiously.
"Unless you buy a monkey...."
"#^@&@!! I already said I ain't buyin one of your *@%$@ monkeys." Cid walked away again.
"But, but..." Barret sputtered.
"But what?" Cid growled, lighting a cigarette.
"WHAT ABOUT MARLENE?"
"No. You can buy your own monkey."
When Cid was gone, Barret leaned near the salesman.
"I be buying 231 o' them monkeys." Barret said to him.
"And a very wise choice indeed." the man confirmed, handing Barret 231 stuffed monkeys, "Now here's where that girl of yours went...."
After following Sakura, Yuffie had entered the Mayor's Manor as well. Inside, she saw people just about everywhere. She walked up to one and asked her if she had seen Sakura.
"This is a save point." she said, pointing to a circle of floating stars, "Do you know how to use save points?"
"Uh, yeah....Now could you tell me where this girl went?"
"Save points allow you to save your game." the woman continued.
"What's your problem, lady?" Yuffie questioned.
"Except for the world map, save points are the only places where you may use a tent to restore your Hit Points and Magic Points." the woman called to Yuffie until she had walked off.
Yuffie went up to another person in the manor.
"Do you know which status ailments do what?" he asked her.
"Well, uh, sorta. But--"
"Poison--Hit Points gradually go down. Slow--Time Bar fills up slower.
Haste--Time Bar fills up faster. Stop--Time Bar stops filling up. Frog--"
Yuffie was getting frustrated, "Shut up already! Have you seen a girl with a futon strapped to her back?"
"--Turns you into a frog. Attack and defense are lowered. Regen--Hit Points gradually go up. Reflect--Magic attacks bounce off you. Darkness-- Hit Rate against the enemies is lessened..."
Yuffie stormed away from the man. She kept asking people until it was hopeless.
"So, this job's a success! This's the way!"
"This was the darkened items won't appear."
"goldeneye is an eye tat is golden."
Yuffie wasn't getting anywhere. She began to think. This manor is so messed up! Why the heck would a mayor live here? And what do those people DO all day? Where could Sak Ura be? Suddenly, Yuffie turned and saw Sakura arguing with a woman.
"Could you just PLEASE tell me where the mayor is??"
"Treasure chests are scattered around the world. Try to find all of them, for they all hold valuable items. The object behind me is a treasure chest. To open a treasure chest, press the O button when you are facing it."
"Hey, you! Sak Ura! I've been following you! I need to talk to you!" Yuffie called, dashing up to her.
Switch to conversational mood, Sakura!
Switch to conversational mood, Yuffie!
"Oh, uh, like, uh, hi." Sakura said, turning.
"Like, are you, uh, planning to take over this like, town or something?" Yuffie asked her.
"Yeah. Fer sure!"
"Whoa, that's totally awesome cuz' I'm like, doing that too!"
"Then why don't we like, go find the mayor or something."
"Like, good idea, Sak!"
"My names not Sak or anything. It's Sakura."
"Oh. My bad."
"Do we like, have to talk like this?"
"Phew. That's a relief.
"Okay, so what do we have to do now?"
"Uh, I think there's an elevator around here somewhere. It's coin- operated."
"Good. I see it. Wait, I don't have any money."
"Neither do I. That's okay, though. Watch this."
Sakura walked up to a person in the manor.
"Sometimes, treasures can be found in places other than treasure chests. These include drawers, urns, pots, bookshelves, clocks..."
"And you!" Sakura said, giving him a kick.
The man didn't react to the kick, but an exclamation point appeared above his head. Sakura continued to kick him. Question marks, exclamation points, and that Japanese symbol for nervousness/embarrassment kept appearing one after the other above the guy's head. Sakura gave one final kick, and a coin flew out of him.
"You found three zenny!"
"Hey, nice job!" Yuffie said to Sakura as they proceeded to the elevator, "Just what I would have done!"
"Yep, it's an old trick I found out when I was bored with Breath of Fire 3." Sakura said as she popped the coin in.
"I haven't played that. I've played Beath of Flams, but that game sucked."
"BOF3 isn't all that great. Chun-Li's in it and I'm not. Those damn Capcom."
"Hey, that be Barret's line!"
Note: The trick in Breath of Fire 3 really works!
"Well, we're almost there." Chun-Li said to the rest of the group as they approached Spamsolvania.
"Never, never not, oh!" Sodom panted.
"Fin--a--lly." Dan panted.
"I've been--walking--so--long," Charlie huffed, "I feel like--I'm going to--die--from--exhausti--urk!" Dan and Charlie both collapsed from exhaustion.
"So, what should we do now?" Ryu asked nonchalantly.
"I suggest we have a long and involved discussion about the concept of entering a town." Ken replied.
"OK, who wants to start?" Ryu asked, sitting down.
"Foo ink a thon!" Sodom began.
"I was #*%#$ being @&^%# sarcastic!!" Ken swore, lighting a cigarette.
Gen began ranting. "Sarcasm.....Why back in my day, we meant what we said! None of this sarcasm rubbish. People were more polite to each other, too! These days TV's affected you young 'uns into spoiled brats, you hear me? Spoiled rotten and impolite! No respect whatsoever! Why--"
"Okay, lets, uh--" Ryu was cut off by Ken.
The street fighters entered the town and split up.
"Hey, my name's Independent George." George greeted Akuma and Sodom as they walked in, "You wanna buy a monkey?"
"No. Have you seen a girl with a futon?"
"I said, do you want to buy a monkey? You aren't going to leave until you do, you know."
"Sorry, die zing!" Sodom answered.
"Don't do i--" the thin man was knocked out again by George.
"No, I'm not going to buy a monkey."
"Oh, yeah? Well maybe I'll just have to--ulp!" Akuma had grabbed him by his neck and begun to swing him around.
"YOU'RE KILLING INDEPENDANT GEORGE!!" the thin man cried, pointing a finger at Akuma.
"Mayday tie!" Sodom cried.
"....He wants me to buy a monkey." Akuma grunted, putting George down.
"Oh cool, monkeys! I'll buy one!" Chun-Li said, handing over 500 zenny.
"Thank you, come again." George thanked Chun-Li.
"Now where did the girl with the futon go?" Akuma demanded.
"Thank you, come again."
"Thank you, come again."
"Thank you, come again."
"Whip I do?" Sodom asked.
"Come on, Akuma, it's hopeless." Chun-Li said, dragging Akuma away from Independent George.
"You guys, she went into the Mayor's Manor."
The street fighters turned to see who had just said that and saw Cloud, Tifa, Aerith, Cid, Barret, Red XIII, and Cait Sith, who had just been found at the Spamsmith. *Ominous music*
"Well, it's floor 32, lets get out." Sakura said to Yuffie as the rode the elevator.
"Okay, whatever." Yuffie said nonchalantantly, breaking open the door and leaping out as the elevator was still moving.
"Uh, I think you have to wait til it stops first, Yuffie." Sakura said as she watched Yuffie tumble down the shaft.
"OW! I OW! know that, but I thought OW! you wanted OW! this to OW! be done quickly! OW!"
"Sakura got off at the 32nd floor and waited for Yuffie to take the stairs up.
"OK, Sakura...I'm *wheeze* ready to...to threaten the *cough* the mayor now....." Yuffie panted as she approached Sakura.
Yuffie and Sakura made a dramatic entrance through the door. Well, they almost did, but Sakura had the futon still strapped to her back.
"Hello, Newman." Sakura greeted the mayor.
"Hey, how did you know my name?"
"It says so on your shirt."
"It does?" Newman bent over to look. At that moment, Sakura leapt upon him and grabbed him by the neck.
"Okay, Mr. Mayor. I've got a bomb inside this futon that's strapped to me. It's going to explode, uh.......soon! So I'd just like it if you'd let me take this sorry little town over!" she ordered.
"Whoa, that was easier then I expected," Yuffie said out loud, "and I hardly had to do anything!"
"Not so fast, Yuffie. You still have to do some work."
Sakura began to lay out the plan. "Now, here's what I want you to do...."
"Worlds are colliding!" the thin man was screaming at the top of his lungs, "Worlds are colliding! You're killing Independent George! You're probably just sitting there laughing your head off, aren't you? Laughing and lying! Laughing and lying!"
"No I'm not." Akuma replied.
"What the @$^^@'s that guy's problem?" Ken asked Rose.
"He thinks everything he sees on the Internet is true," she replied.
"Must've been to Seinfeld.com a few times too many."
"So, who're you?" Tifa asked Chun-Li, "You look a lot like me."
Soon, the Street Fighters and the Final Fantasy 7ers were paired up.
"So, are you into bar hosting?" Tifa asked Chun-Li.
"Er, no." Chun-Li replied.
"So, you see, the whole effect with the tarot cards is to summon the divine spiritual power of, er, I mean, the tarots are what tell your fate and fortune and--I'm not boring you, am I?"
"Oh, no, no, no..." was Aerith's vague reply.
"Actually, you see, my inner strength guides me through battle. I am always looking for the right mix of action and reaction, you know what I mean?"
"No. I'm just looking for a way for Cloud to like me."
"My partner is Ryu." Cloud told everybody.
Rose, after hearing what Cloud had to say shook her head, "I can't see why."
"My partner appears Cloud, and he carries a rather large sword." Ryu observed.
"No @?$@&, sherlock." Ken sneered.
"Hey, you're learning, you're learning," Cid smiled, "just try to get hold of a spear and get addicted by the tobbaco industry."
"Okay, you can call me Cid-in-training." Ken beamed.
"Hey, that's my job!" Mid's voice could be heard from out of nowhere.
"Humans..." Red XIII sighed.
"Mortals..." Akuma sighed.
"...." Vincent sighed.
"Hey, I think this guy knows Daravon." Cait Sith called to the rest of the group.
"Move your socks I!" Sodom tried to explain.
"Hi, I'm Biggs, and this is Wedge." Biggs greeted Dan and Charlie.
"Pleased to meet you, we're Dan and Charlie." Dan and Charlie shook hands with Biggs and Wedge.
Instantly, a large anvil fell on all of them.
"Hmph! I suppose I don't have a partner. I knew it!" Gen ranted, "Nobody wants to be stuck with the old man, do they? Hmph, I thought so! They think I'm weak just because I'm so-and-so years old! Well, back in my day, we respected our elders! None of the ol' rubbish like we see today!"
At that moment, a figure was seen on the top of the Mayor's manor.
Yuffie could hear shouts as she stood on the top of the mayor's manor.
"Look! Up on the rooftop!"
"It's a Jenova clone!"
"It's a demon!"
"No, worse! It's Yuffie!"
"Uh, fellow people, um...I, I mean, me and Sakura--" Yuffie stammered.
"Psst! Good grammar!" Sakura hissed from inside.
"Sakura and I have uh, taken your mayor captive and, uh, will not let him go unless, um, the, er following conditions are, uh, met. Oh, and Sakura has a bomb strapped to her."
"What kind of a speech is this?" Gen whispered to Red XIII.
"Yuffie hates making speeches," Red explained, "actually, she hates doing anything."
"So, uh, here are the conditions for your mayor to be, um, set free.
"We'll do it!" A voice was heard from the audience, but he was knocked out.
"Ahem, Number One: All Spamsmiths must, uh, let me steal items from their stores."
A Spamsmith was heard wailing.
"Number Two: The Spamsmiths must also melt down this Jade Monkey I am holding right now," Yuffie waved the Jade Monkey around, "and make a new shuriken out of it."
Cait Sith could be heard swearing.
"And finally, uh, Number Three: All must bow to Sakura and Yuffie and uh, say they are cool and other stuff like that. This building will self-destruct in five minutes if the conditions are not met. Thank you!"
Immediately, the J-E-N-O-V-A theme began to play as Yuffie lept down from the top of the building, miraculously unhurt.
"Hey, how did she do that?" Rose asked Vincent.
Vince took out the Dictionary of RPG Clichés and read from it, "When falling or landing from a high place, characters are miraculously unhurt."
"You guys, any ideas on what to do?" Chun-Li asked nervously, "Yuffie's headed straight for us!"
"I don't know. Ask the author."
Indeed, Yuffie was headed straight for the group at a full sprint, her body glowing and seeming to shift and change as she ran. Suddenly, her body exploded, leaving her arm guard sizzling on the ground. Instead, running at them was Jenova*DAUGHTER, a massive hulking giant with six eyes and tentacles that smashed anything in their way. In other words, it was your generic end boss.
"Yuffie shows true form." Vincent said to himself, reading the Dictionary of RPG Clichés, "So far, so good."
"KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND!" Aerith shouted, holding up a summon materia.
"Shinkuu...HADOKEN!!!" Ryu shouted, bringing his arms forward in a forceful motion.
"Oh, by the way," Vincent told the rest of the group, "It says here that 'Jenova*DAUGHTER cannot be harmed by any sort of magical energy, but physical power only'."
"That sucks," Cid said, disappointed, "but I guess the author of this doesn't want the battle over too quickly."
"C'mon Cid," Ken said eagerly, "lets tear this thing apart!"
"Whatever." Cid hopped over to where Jenova*DAUGHTER was attacking Gen.
"Hey, no fair!" Gen was complaining, "I'm just an old man!"
Suddenly, a spear that had caught on fire slammed into the monster's gut.
"Hey! That hurt!" Jenova*DAUGHTER exclaimed.
"Serves you right." Gen muttered.
Cid and Ken rushed at the monster, ready to tear it limb from limb.
Suddenly, a townsperson ran out into the fray.
"Stop! Stop! Somebody could get hurt!" she cried.
Jenova slapped the townsperson away with a tentacle. Cid and Ken continued to rush at the monster, but a quick slap from the tentacles changed their minds. The same procedure occured with the rest of the party members, until all that remained was Cait Sith.
"Geez, that was quick." Aerith said, dazed as he lay on the ground.
"HEY, I WAS LOW ON TIME, OKAY?" a voice said from above.
"I knew this would happen." Cait said to himself.
Jenova*DAUGHTER gave a cackle of glee, and rushed at Cait Sith head on.
Cait, in turn began to run for his life.
"Faster, faster! Faster, I say, you stupid moogle!" Cait shouted through his megaphone at his moogle. Cait Sith began to weave in and out of buildings. Jenova*DAUGHTER, in turn, slapped them with a tentacle, causing them to explode into fragments of Spam for absolutely no reason whatsoever. "Whoa, it's like every bad Hollywood movie I've ever seen." C.S. quipped, dashing through a general store. Suddenly, Cait had an idea. He ran up to a pay-phone as Jenova was momentarily distracted with the theory of buildings exploding for no reason whatsoever and called 1-800-COLLECT.
"Yes! They accepted the charges!" Cait hooted.
After a minute, Jenova*DAUGHTER rushed towards Cait Sith, who was smiling.
"Huh?" she asked him.
Cait Sith pointed in the direction of the entrance, where a van could be seen driving in.
"Oh, no!" Jenova*DAUGHTER gasped, "not an Activisioner!!"
"No wonder everything exploded on contact!" Vincent said.
"Hey, it's Dave!" Tifa exclaimed.
"There's no need to fear," Dave called from his hippie van, talking faster and faster, "for Hippie Dave is here! I have sailed the seven seas, crossed every mountain known to man, and--
"Can it, Dave." Barret told him, "Those ain't be the right words."
"How would you know, Barret?" Cait asked him, "You haven't even gotten off the first level of PaRappa."
"Shu' up, cat."
"Anyway, put up your fists, you evil crusader, and prepare to--"
Jenova*DAUGHTER held her head and began to wobble. At that moment, Dave let out a huge group of tiny UFOs. The UFOs began to chase Yuffie around the town, destroying ever building in their way. Finally, they caught up with her and began to fire tiny beams of energy that began to juggle the monster in the air. When the dust cleared, Jenova*DAUGHTER was lying flat on the ground. The words, "Jenova wrecked. Total it!" appeared.
"The aliens!" the thin man cried, tearing off his suit. "They're here! Everybody! Head for the hills!!!"
"Hey, it's Loki!" Rose exclaimed.
"I was wondering where he had gone..." Cait Sith said, scratching his head.
"Uh, your timing's a little late." Chun-Li told him as he headed for the hills.
All was silent for a while, until a giant UFO appeared in the sky.
"So long, suckers!" Loki cried from inside the UFO.
Suddenly, the UFO stopped and began to vibrate right over where Jenova*DAUGHTER was lying.
"I have a good feeling!" Cait Sith shouted.
The UFO opened up a compartment and let loose a yellow beam which zapped Yuffie and carried her into the craft. Then it flew off.
"Looks like she went home." Cait Sith observed.
"Well, Yuffie's finally gone," Cloud said to the group, "but what do we do now?"
"I knew you were all thinking that," Sakura called from the rooftop, "so I guess it all boils down to this!"
"How many times have we heard that before?" Cait sniffed.
"It's toe show!" Sodom exclaimed.
Sakura stood on the top of the rooftop, holding the Jade Monkey and smiling as she made one clichéd statement after the other.
"You pathetic fools have no chance. Bow down to me, I am your ruler! Don't make a move or the monkey gets it! There is no stopping me. Mwahahahahaaa!!"
"Oh, please." Chun-Li groaned.
"Back when I was a young 'un, we thought of stuff that was original, you hear me? None of this stuff you've been copying!" Gen shouted up to Sakura.
"Silence! You pathetic people have no chance against Sakura!"
"Shut yer hole, foo'!" Barret said angrily.
"And quit @^#$@& sayin' those %*^#@& lines, you %#@&$ demon!" Ken shouted.
"Hey, I'm not a demon!" Sakura said, taken aback.
"Yes you are." Chun-Li retorted.
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you ARE!"
"Uh.................No I'm NOT!"
While Sakura was momentarily distracted, Cait Sith took out a red materia and began to twiddle his thumbs.
"Heh, heh. I should have done this a long time ago!" he grinned as he finished casting the spell. At that moment, two figures could be seen flying up in the sky.
"Look! Up in the sky!"
"It's a sheep!"
"It's a jet!"
"No! It's ESHEEP riding on Jet Baby!!"
Indeed, it was ESHEEP riding on top of Jet Baby. ESHEEP gave a loud bleat as he manuvered Jet Baby towards the position where Sakura was standing.
Sakura have a loud cry and tried to get back inside the manor, but Jet Baby rammed her off the roof where she flat on her face. ESHEEP then did a flaming dive off of Jet Baby and set Sakura's hair alight.
"Aiieeee!!! Watch the hair! Watch the hair!" she cried, running towards the nearest rain barrel and dunking her head into it. Jet Baby flew at a blazing speed and hit Sakura in the rear, causing her to sprawl into the barrel. Her head poked up, soaking wet.
"Why, you, you....." Sakura spluttered, at Jet Baby as he and ESHEEP flew off.
Sakura then realized she was stuck in the barrel.
"#$@$^#@?@&%$@&%$@&^#%$^!!!!!" she swore.
"Not bad." Cid said, impressed.
"Hey, now's the chance to do a super ultra hyper team-up attack!" Rose realized.
"Whatever you want to call it." Red XIII said to her, after giving her a funny look.
There was a brilliant flash of light as all the Final Fantasy 7ers' materia was sucked up into an orb which the Street Fighters created from using their special attacks. The orb suddenly shrunk greatly, until it was about the size of a garbanzo bean.
"Everybody!" Cloud shouted, as he tossed the orb at Sakura, "Plug your ears!"
"Hey, that's the first piece of useful information that he's given all day." Vincent remarked, plugging his ears.
The orb was thrown, and it landed right in the middle of Sakura's forehead. As soon as it got there, it exploded, filling the area around it with the Macarena.
"No! No! Anything but that!" Sakura wailed, "That's the only song that everybody-- including me--hates!!"
"Aren't you supposed to melt just about now?" Cait asked her.
"No! I can't die! I'm a demon!" Sakura yelled in agony, as she ran out of the town, "No! When I get back Cait Sith, I'll kill you, and that little Mog of yours, too!"
"Of all the when-I-see-you-next-time sayings, that's one of the better ones that I've seen." Tifa said to Chun-Li.
"Hmph. I've seen better." Gen sniffed.
"I guess that's that." Red XIII shrugged.
"Hey, I almost forgot about the Jade Monkey!" Cait Sith remembered, running over to where the Jade Monkey was sitting on the road. He picked it up, and was instantly covered by a yellowish orange glow.
"Yahoo! All right!!" he exclaimed as he began to sing in tune to the music in the background.
"Jade Monkey, that funky monkey......."
"Well," Akuma said, while he, Chun-Li, Rose and the rest of the Street Fighters shook hands with the Final Fantasy 7ers, "my work here is done."
"What the hell you be talkin' 'bout, foo'?" Barret snorted, "You didn't do nothin'!"
"Oh, haven't I?" Akuma said, warping back to the house.
"Well, uh, I guess we've gotta go." Chun-Li said, disappointed.
"In the rain or in the snow." Ryu agreed.
"Yeah, I wish we didn't have to..." Ken said, disappointed as well, "We had so much in common..."
"What the #@&%*$% are you saying?" Cid fumed, "We don't have any %#@&@& thing in common!"
"Of course we #%^# do!" Ken retorted.
"Just testin' you." Cid smiled.
"Okay, uh, bye!" Rose called as the Street Fighters mysteriously vanished for no reason.
"What a way to say goodbye..." Cait snorted, "Okay, uh, bye...She's a lot like you, Aerith."
"Humans..." Red XIII grumbled.
"So," Cait Sith said to Vincent, as he tossed the Jade Monkey from paw to paw, "what do you guys want to do?"
"I dunno," Vincent replied, "what about you?"
"I dunno, what about you?" C.S. asked Cid, who was playing Beginners Checkers with Red XIII.
"I dunno, what about you?" Cid replied, moving his piece, "Your move, by the way."
"I don't know. Jump jump jump jump jump jump. King me." Red XIII said calmly.
"#@&%#!" Cid swore, grimacing at Red's large group of kings.
Tifa raised her hand. "I suggest we go to the beach."
"But we need a car for that..." Cloud said, disappointed.
"And a license, too." Aerith said.
Hey! I know!" Cait Sith hopped to his feet.
You can probably guess what happened next.