A black GMC 1982 Custom Van streaked across the plains towards Junon Harbor. Mr.T was driving the vehicle, CAM was munching on a tastie twinkie, Celes was playing Agent1469 at Risk, Alys was sharpening her moonslahers, D was sitting silently against the wall with his legs crossed, and Pikafoo' was munching on CAM's Pokedex.
"Pikafoo'!" CAM cried and snatched back his Pokedex,"This Pokedex was made by Proffessor Daravon!" CAM pressed a button and the Pokedex simply shot sparks at him.
"Gee, its working as good as normal," Alys remarked.
"Pika pi!" Pikafoo' replied.
"I know your hungry," CAM said,"but you can eat when we get to Junon Harbor."
"I pity the Pikafoo'!" Pikafoo' cried and shocked CAM.
"Owww..." CAM said and crumbled in a heap on the floor.
"I win!" Celes cried in defeat of Agent1469,"I'm a general not a ditz."
"You win again," Agent1469 signed.
"So what are we doing at Junon?" Celes asked.
"High Intelligence sez we're supposed ta go ta Junon Harbor," Mr. T replied,"and compete in the race their holdin'."
"Why?" Celes asked.
"Because High Intelligence thinks dat Wal*Mart's up ta suppin'," Mr. T said,"and will act durin' da race." CAM twitched.
"Groovy," CAM commented.
"Shagadelic," Celes said.
"I think Jimi Hendrix is rolling in his grave right now," Alys remarked.
"Jimi Hendrix is dead?" CAM asked.
"Well Gray Fox doesn't seem to think so," Alys said.
"We're here suckas!" Mr.T exclaimed and put the van to a halt.
"Wow that was fast," CAM said.
"Dat's because my van is fast foo'," Mr. T replied. ROCKSLIDE stepped out of the van, and CAM stepped out as conspicously as possible wearing a trenchcoat.
"CAM?" Celes asked,"Your not planning on flashing people again are you?"
"No...." CAM said,"I thought Mr.T said High Intelligence was sending us to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show."
"No CAM," Celes said,"We're here to compete in a race."
"Oh," CAM said,"then I better change clothes ." With that CAM ran into the restroom.
"All racers need to report to the airport to prepare their vehicles," a voice over the intercom said.
"Well good luck Mr.T," Celes said as they removed the stolen Epoch from the back of Mr.T's van.
"Like 'ell," Mr.T replied,"I can't stand flyin'!"
"Damn," Celes said,"Well I guess that means CAM will have to pilot the Epoch." A cold chill ran through CAM's spine elsewhere.
CAM stepped out of the Men's Room clad in his trademark white T-shirt, blue jeans, and trenchcoat. Then again this wasn't CAM's trademark attire since Gabriel Knight had trademarked this look long before CAM decided to wear it. As CAM strode towards the airport, he found Rufus claid in his white suit that would out white twinkies. The thought of twinkies gave CAM a sudden craving for hostess snack cakes, so he popped a twinkie in his mouth.
"Hey Rufus," CAM said,"Met any really nice door lately?"
"Why yes I have...." Rufus started,"What a minute? Do I know you?"
"My name is CAM," CAM said.
"Oh your that guy that owns RockeT CanyoN," Rufus replied,"Damn Fritz Fraundorf. Every single Cosmo Canyon reader comes around bugging me, and Cait Sith is bad enough as it is..."
"Hey is that the Budweiser ferret on top of your head?" CAM interupted.
"Nobody makes fun of the hair!" Rufus exclaimed. CAM was amused, giggled, and ran off to find his companions.
The rest of ROCKSLIDE pushed along the large Epoch on a cart, towards their designated area on the air strip. CAM ran up to them, laughing compulsively. Everyone just gave him an odd look since he does wierd stuff anyway. On their way across the airstrip the group spotted Shitan Uzuki, Rico Banderas, and Fei Fong Wong working on the Weltall. Alys paused a moment.
"Hey he's kinda cute," Alys commented loud enough so Fei would hear her.
"I wouldn't try," Celes said,"He's a pycho. He's got multiple personalitys." Alys made a strange face, and went on.
"Fei hurry up!" Shitan said,"Or we won't have Weltall ready for the race."
"I don't like Gears and racing," Fei replied.
"Don't tell me your going through that phase again," Shitan said.
"I don't have a reason to race," Fei said.
"To win? Earn prize money?" Rico said.
"You seem to enjoy racing," Fei said.
"Yes, I do," Rico replied,"Its fun, people don't get hurt."
"Maybe in your world, Rico," Fei remarked.
"Actually I changed my name," Rico corrected Fei,"My name is now Enrico Sauve."
"Enrico Sauve," a group of Latino girls replied.
ROCKSLIDE trudged foward on the airstrip, and suddenly their path was blocked by Locke Cole.
"Hey Celes," Locke started,"You wanna ditch this CAM guy, and go with a real man?" CAM squinted at Locke, and Locke squinted back in return.
"You mean a theif?" Celes replied.
"Call me a treasure hunter or I'll rip your lungs out!" Locke exclaimed.
"You say that to all the girls don't you," Alys commented.
"Shut-up!" Locke exclaimed,"I'm going to beat you guys at the race." After throwing a fit, Locke stormed off.
"Well...I...hope you get cancer!" CAM called back,"And in the head too!"
All the teams lined up end of the Shinra Airstrip at Junon Harbor. Each team's pilot loaded into their vehicles while their mechanics made last minute repairs.
"Hey CAM," Celes said,"There's a present for you under the control panel in the Epoch's cockpit."
"Cool!" CAM exclaimed and jumped into the Epoch's cockpit.
"All pilots need to report to their vehicles," the announcer said over the intercom,"Welcome to the first annual Crossover Race held by the Umbrella Corperation in Junon Harbor. Now let's introduce are contenders. Piloting the Weltall is....Wong, um, Fei Fong Wong, uh, Fong Fei Wong, or something like that."
"I don't like Gears and racing," Fei stated but Shitan and Enrico Sauve ignored him and stuffed Fei into Weltall's cockpit.
"Piloting the Blackjack is Setzer Gabbiani and Locke Cole. Piloting the Land Crab is Shitan Uzuki and Enrico Sauve."
"Enrico Sauve," a group of Latino women repeated.
"Piloting the Highwind is Cid Highwind, Shera Stargazer, and Cait Sith."
"Oh no, he's here," Rufus muttered from the Presidential Stand.
"Piloting the Balamb Garden is Cid Kramer. Piloting the Ragnarok is Selphie Tilmit and the rest of the heroes from FF8.
"Hey! They didn't mention the rest of us!" Irvine complained.
"What.." Squall started.
"..ever," Quistis finished, and Squall muttered in reply.
"Piloting the Sea Duck is Baloo and Launchpad McQuack."
"Who invited Disney characters into this crossover?" Alys asked.
"Piloting an old WWII Japanese Kamikaze Fighter is Biggs Darklighter. And finally piloting the Epoch is CAM."
"What!?" CAM exclaimed and tried to jump out of the cockpit, but Alys and D closed and sealed it before CAM could escape.
"Racers start your engines...and GO!" the announcer exclaimed and the pilots started their vehicles and went aloft the clouds. CAM struggled with the Epoch's control causing him to swirve around in the sky, and then there was the fact he had no idea where he was going. CAM noticed a post-it note on the control panel telling him he is to fly to Costa Del Sol and then fly back. So far it was the Ragnarok in the lead being followed by the Blackjack, Highwind, Sea Duck, Land Crab, Weltall, old WWII Japanese Kamikaze Fighter, Epoch, and Balamb Garden. As soon as the Balamb Garden hit the water, it sank below the surface and began to trudge along very slowly.
There seemed to be something going on in the Sea Duck since it was barreling out of control. Inside the pilots were fighting each other.
"I'm Launchpad McQuake of the clan McQuake," Launchpad explained,"There can be only one pilot!'
"But you're a crappy pilot..." Baloo replied as he reached for a pistol under the controls, but was cut off by Launchpad decapitating him.
"There can be only one!" Launchpad exclaimed, and then the Sea Duck was brought down by gatling gun fire from the Land Crab. Launchpad skillfully guided the descending plane into a sharp rock jutting out of the ocean. Enrico Sauve gave a thumbs-up to the explosion.
With the Sea Duck and Balamb Garden gone, Biggs pulled in front of Weltall and used his out of date machine guns to shoot down the rickety Land Crab. Fei swooped down in the Weltall and caught Shitan and Enrico Sauve. Fei began to charge a Chi blast, and Biggs soon thought he just might die today. In desperation, Biggs activated the afterburners that he had added to the antique plane and speed off. Weltall's guided shot flew past Biggs and exploded midair startling Selphie and Cid, and allowing Biggs and Setzer to take the lead. Biggs fed more fuel into the afterburns and created a huge gap between himself and Setzer. Soon Biggs was flying over Costa Del Sol, and the engine came to a sudden halt. Biggs looked at the controls and saw to his horror that there was no more fuel. Biggs then remembered something from school that WWII Kamikaze Pilot's planes were only filled very little fuel. Bigg's WWII Japanese Kamikaze Fighter barreled straight into Cloud's villa with a huge explosion. Cloud's villa was destroyed and there was much rejoicing.
"Oh my god!" Tifa cried,"Biggs crashed into your villa!"
"That bastard...." Cloud murmered.
The Highwind fired a salvo of missles at Ragnarok and Blackjack disorientating their pilots. With this the Highwind sped past them, circled Costa Del Sol, and headed back towards Junon Harbor. Setzer regained control of his ship, and passed Ragnarok. Weltall passed Ragnarok, but Selphie regained control of Ragnarok and fired some machine gun rounds into Weltall. Desperate, Fei grabbed the Ragnarok as is passed. CAM, while struggling to keep control of the Epoch, lingered around where the race had started, but had still easily outran the Balamb Garden (which is still trudging along slowly). Suddenly it occured to him that he was piloting a time-machine. CAM flipped the Epoch's crono trigger back a couple of years, and CAM found himself in the past. After hours of struggling with the Epoch, CAM circled Costa Del Sol. Then CAM returned to the present just as the Blackjack was passing him. CAM rammed Epoch into the Blackjack, and the flaming airship desceded into the ocean.
"I'll get you for this CAAAAAMMMMMM!!!!!" Locke yelled as the ship sank.
CAM then noticed that the Highwind and Ragnarok were still way ahead of him. CAM fooled around with the crono trigger again, flew back to Junon Harbor, and then returned to the present. There was a problem, it seemed that CAM did not have enough piloting experience to land the Epoch. Ragnarok then arrived at Junon Harbor, and Selphie suddenly realized that her GF had caused her to forget how to land. CAM then started slowly to bring down the Epoch, and it skidded across the runway shooting sparks everywhere. CAM had forgot to put down the landing gear. Selphie found a button that marked "Land", pussed it, and the Ragnarok came down gently. The Highwind arrived, and landed gracefully as well. All three vehicles touched down at the same time!
"It seems we have a three way tie!" the announcer bellowed. Just then Weltall jumped off the back of Ragnarok. "No wait! A four way tie, Weltall, Epoch, Ragnarok, and Highwind landed at the same time!"
"So how is Epoch?" CAM inquired.
"It would be fine if you didn't ram the Blackjack," Celes replied examine the battered Epoch.
"Or put down yo' landin' gear," Mr.T said crawling out from under the Epoch,"I pity the foo' that don't use no landin' gear! You busted yo' crono trigger in the process."
"Damn that's the only reason I won the race," CAM said.
"Don't worry," Cid replied,"You could juse go to a shop that sells parts, whenever something breaks there's alway a @#$%^&* store that has the parts you need. I'm going there right now."
"Wow," Alys replied,"Cid's in a good mood today."
"He saw his Dukes of Hazard Marathon," Shera said as Cait Sith bounced behind her.
ROCKSLIDE, Cid, Shera, and Cait Sith trotted off the Junon Airport and headed to the shops. Along the way the already large group was joined by Selphie Tilmit, Quistis Trepe, Squall Leonhart, Rinoa Heartily, Angelo, Irvine Kinneas, Zell Dincht, Fei, Enrico Sauve, and Shitan (dragging Weltall along in a wheel barrel). When the group came to the shop district of Junon, all the stores were closed.
"What the @#$%!" Cid interjected.
"Are all the shops closed for the race?" Alys asked.
"It appears that way," Squall said,"What were we just talking about?"
"Let's go ask Rufus!" Cait Sith exclaimed and bounded over to were Rufus Shinra stood. "Hi Rufus!"
"Good God no....."
"I'd like to ask you a question!? Is Squall a boy or a girl?" Rufus racked his brain and came up with no answer.
"And what is that on top of your head? A growth?"
"Hey! NOBODY makes fun of the hair!" Rufus exclaimed.
"Actually," Shera interupted,"We want to know why all the stores are closed."
"Its because of that," Rufus pointed to the other side of the street. Standing omniously over Junon Harbor was a Wal*Mart Superstore with an attatched Starbucks. In front of the Wal*Mart were a line of protestors.
"We tried to stop them," Rufus said,"but our attempt to rezone failed when Umbrella sent in their military."
"Umbrella?" Alys inquired.
"Yeah," Rufus replied,"They are back. They got a patent on a new virus that turns people into zombies, and then they bought Ethos, Disney, Squaresoft, Wal*Mart, and Starbucks."
"That's alot of evil corporations," Shera remarked.
"Do you know who I am!?" Squall exclaimed.
"Yeah your Squall," Rufus replied.
"Thanks," Squall said,"The GF made me forget."
"And these are the guys that Squaresoft replaces us with," Cid remarked.
"How will we get in with all these protestors?" CAM asked.
As is on que, a truck full of soldiers drove in. Almost over fifty soldiers wearing Umbrella uniforms with blue vests on poured out of the trucks. And started firing rubber bullets into the crowd. The Umbrella troops fired at the protestors even after they dispersed. Finally they stopped with a shotgun was fired into the air.
"Enough!" Billy Lee Black called out as he hid he shotgun away in his robes.
"Billy what you doing here?" Alys and Shitan asked at the same time.
"Ethos sent me and this troop to purge a rumors of a ghost in the area," Billy replied,"But it just seems that we're here to put down protests. Hey Alys! I thought you were dead?"
"I was resurrected by a plot contrivance," Alys replied.
"You know this guy?" CAM asked.
"Yeah we used to work with each other," Alys said.
"Yes," Billy said,"Not only am I an Etone for Ethos, I am also a Hunter. Oh hi, D. Its nice to see you too."
"......." D replied.
"As talkative as ever I see."
The extremely large group walked into Wal*Mart, and they felt insignificant in the gigantic store. Suddenly Fifty Fun Things to do at Wal*Mart (TM) came into CAM's mind. Finally the group met a sales representative.
"May I help you?" the sales representative asked.
CAM began to cry and exclaimed,"Why don't you people leave me a alone!?" CAM then pulled out a piece of paper and marked down himself a point.
Cait Sith caught on and asked,"Do you have any Shnerples here?" CAM marked Cait Sith down a point. The sales representative scratched his head in reply.
"Can you tell me where the gear parts are?" Shitan asked. The sales representative shook his head.
"Would you be so kind as to direct me to your twinkies?" CAM asked and marked himself down another point.
"Could you tell me where the space ship parts are?" Squall asked and then sales representative burst into tears. "Why are you asking me so many questions!?"
"He's worse than Squall," Rinoa remarked.
"What!?" Celes replied,"Your no better."
"Booyaka!" Selphie burst out for not particular reason. Feed up, the cast of FF8, Shitan, Enrico Sauve, and Fei wandered into the bowels of Wal*Mart possibly never to be seen again.
"Pika pika pi sucka!" Pikafoo' exclaimed.
"Pikafoo's hungry," CAM stated,"Let's go to the Starbucks and get something to eat first."
As the group made a short cut through the Clothing Department, Cait Sith remarked "Who buys this crap anyway!?" CAM marked Cait Sith another point.
The group walked into the Starbucks and up to the counter.
"I'd like a coffee," Alys ordered,"And put an umbrella in it. I don't get out much." CAM marked Alys down a point. Confused the man behind the counter handed her a coffee with a umbrella in it.
"Hey look," Celes pointed out,"There's a special. If you get a quadrouple mocha French Irish creme latte with cinnimon Starbucks' mascot will come out and sing a song."
"Then I'll have one of those things," CAM said and handed the salesperson some gil. After recieving his oddly named coffee, and small mug of coffee with a face on it jumped out of no where and started dancing around.
"What the @#$%# is that @#$%@#$ thing!" Cid interjected,"!#$!#@$!"
"I think its a Pokemon," Shera replied.
"What is that Dexter," CAM said and pointed his PokeDex at the mug of coffee. The device simply shot sparks and gurgled some words. "asdf;kasjdf;sa?"
"Mr. Coffee!" the coffee type Pokemon exclaimed.
"I think its name is Mr. Coffee," Rufus said.
"I'm going to capture it!" CAM exclaimed and trapped it in a Pokeball. CAM stood on it preventing the creature from escaping. "I got Mr. Coffee!" (insert Ash Ketchum Pose TM here).
"Good job, CAM," a voice from behind them replied,"150 more and you might catch up to me." CAM spun around to face his other arch rival Ash Ketchum and Pikachu.
"You crazier than that Murdock foo'!" Pikafoo' exclaimed.
"Pika pi!" Pikachu exclaimed.
"What are you doing here Ketchum!?" CAM inquired, and squinted at Ash. Ash squinted in return.
"I'm selling Pikachu plushies," Ash explained shooving one in CAM's face,"Do you want to buy one?"
"Must...buy...NO!" CAM resisted the urge to buy Pokemon merchandise.
"I'll take one," Cait Sith said and handed Ash some gil. Ash handed Cait Sith a Pikachu Plushie,"Isn't it Kawaii?"
"Umm, yeah, whatever," Rufus replied.
"You know selling Pokemon propaganda is illegal in Wal*Mart Superstores?" Billy informed Ash, and before Ash could reply Billy had his revolvers affixed on Ash with their hammers pulled back. Ash shrugged, and left.
"Over one hundred and fifty countries taken over," Ash sang as he left,"To be a merchandise master is my destiny!" There was much rejoycing. Now for something completely different.
On the other side of Starbucks Wedge and Aya were enjoying a nice cup of water. They were afraid if they ordered coffee they would spill it and scold themselves to death. Eventhough Wedge and Aya had divorced, they were still good friends.
"I wonder if Biggs will be back soon," Wedge wondered.
"He probably died," Aya replied. Aerith suddenly walked up to their table.
"Hi guys!" Aerith greeted,"May I sit with you?"
"Sure if you weren't sent to kill us," Aya remarked.
"Square Soft gave me a promotion," Aerith informed them,"Instead of being a dead RPG Character, I'm now an expendable character and I'm supposed to work with you guys. What do expendable characters do anyway?" Aya and Wedge laughed in reply. Then suddenly, for no particular reason, the ghost of Sephiroth dropped down from the ceiling and ran Aerith through the stomach, again.
"Basically that," Wedge said and suddenly had a heart attack and died. Aya ran out of the Starbucks in hopes of avoiding death to have more significance to the plot.
"Oh my god!" CAM cried,"The ghost of Sephiroth killed Aerith and Wedge! Yo.." Celes covered CAM's mouth.
"That joke doesn't need to be run into the ground anymore than it has already."
"You must vacant this Wal*Mart," the ghost of Sephiroth demanded,"I'm going to raze it to the ground and build a Jenova based theme park. I am becoming one with the Funky Flow."
"That must be the ghost of Junon Harbor I heard about!" Billy cried and fired at the ghost of Sephiroth. The wrathform Sephiroth dodged the shots, and ran out of the Starbucks. "We've got to go after him."
"I don't give a rat's ass what happens to this place," President Rufus replied.
"But according to the contract that Umbrella made and forged your signiture on, you have too!"
"Fine. I'll hire ROCKSLIDE to do the job," Rufus replied.
"It'll cost 10,000 mesata extra to hire D and I," Alys pointed out.
"Fine. Whatever." Rufus replied,"Just catch that blasted Sephiroth!"
ROCKSLIDE and Billy chased after the ghost of Sephiroth. Billy shot at Sephiroth ever so often with his pistols. They finally chase Sephiroth into the Gear Department.
"Who buys this crap anyway!?" Shitan exclaimed in the other aisle and throw a useless gear part into CAM's aisle, hitting Agent1469 in the head.
"Ouch!" Agent1469 signed. CAM marked two points down for Shitan.
"We've got a code 3 in the Gears Department," Billy said into a handheld radio. CAM marked down a point for Billy. ROCKSLIDE, Billy, and twenty other Umbrella/Wal*Mart Soldiers cornered the ghost of Sephiroth in the Gear Department.
"You can't stop me!" the ghost of Sephiroth exclaimed,"I've got the Funky Flow!" The ghost of Sephiroth jumped into the cockpit of a giant gear behind. The gear was slender and had a black and grey paint job, plus it carried a long, thin katana. The ghost of Sephiroth blasted through the ceiling in this new gear.
"Darn," Billy cursed,"He stole Armageddon!" CAM (with Pikafoo'), Celes, Agent1469, D, and Mr.t jumped into a simple Magitek Armor Gear. "What are you doing!?"
"Don't worry, we're just taking it for a test drive," Celes replied. CAM marked down one point for Celes. And with that the four blasted off after the ghost of Sephiroth. Alys didn't seem to mind getting left behind in the Gear Deparment with Fei.