My Fellow Dragnierians
By Fred Delles

"Now doesn’t THAT just beat all?" Rei said, staring at the Lost Final Fantasy 8 Starring Laguna Loire game disk, standing in the burnt-down Yuffie’s Cave toy store.

"Just hurry it up, will ya?" Teepo yelled, from the doorway.

"All right, dude, let’s rock and roll!" Rei yelled, snagging the disk from the display case.

"Hmmm… no instruction manual… Square’s getting cheaper nowadays! First it’s cartridges to compact disks, then the hiring of Daravon, and the back has-"

Suddenly, a spherical statue was about to land on Rei.

"PALMER!?" Rei yelled.

"No, I think it’s Steve Ballmer, that fat-ass Microsoft dude," Ryu said from the doorway. "And watch out for that falling rock, Rei," he continued in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Oh, yeah, that…" Rei said, running. The statue fell, and started to roll toward the three.

"Uh oh… let’s get out of this Lost Ark!" Ryu yelled as the three ran to the end of the cliff.

John Williams’s "Raiders March" could be heard from the background as the rolling Ballmer was pursuing the three.

Rei whipped out a fedora, whipped it on his head, and drew out a whip. He whipped the whip on a chain whip, and the three held on, whipping off the cliff.

The group landed safely.

"Whip it, dude!" Rei yelled, as the three saw the Steve Ballmer statue crash down the pit.

"When a problem comes along, you must whip it…" Ryu sang.

"Not now!" Teepo yelled.

"Before the cream sits out too long, you must whip it…" Ryu continued.

"Shaddup before I cream your ass!" Teepo yelled, raising his foot in the air.

"When something’s going wrong, you must whip it…" Ryu sang.

"THAT DOES IT! THIS’LL HURT SO MUCH THAT YOU’LL BE PRAYING TO MYRIA UNTIL NEXT THURSDAY!!!" Teepo launched one of his kicks and booted Ryu in the rear, sending him flying.

"So whip it, into shaaaape…" Ryu was still singing as he was flying out of the cave door.

Ten minutes passed. As Ryu regained consciousness, Rei looked around.

"Whip It, by Devo. Doesn’t that-"

"Just beat all." Teepo interrupted, as Ryu got up. "C’mon, that’s the second most annoying song next to ‘Wannabe’ by the Spice Girls. Everyone on the planet is an IDIOT! Except for us, of course. No one has ever heard of Jethro Tull or even Alan Parsons, and they are talented. I mean, someone with an amoeba for a brain can produce a number one hit!" (I’ll bet you’ve never heard of Jethro Tull or Alan Parsons either, but just bear with me here B-D)

"And Bach and Beethoven could be bogus," Ryu said.

"That does it, I’m getting a CD," Rei replied, as he left. "Beastie Boys, Licensed to Ill, I guess."

Ryu and Teepo followed suit, leaving for Plant.


The group met up with Momo at her monster-infested lab.

"Callin’ me an idiot, aye, Teepo?" Momo said, as she was reading a Stephen Hawking book on dimension travel.

"How in Ladon would youuuu know?" Teepo snarled.

"Just a guess," Momo replied, as she looked at a passage about wormholes. "And no one’s interested in your dinosaur rock bands anymore, Teep."

"Psychic psycho," Teepo murmured under his breath. He looked at Ryu as he took out an apple.

"Ryu! Support me for once!" Teepo yelled, staring at Ryu.

"Oh no, I plead the Fifth!" Ryu replied, running away.


Rei ran in the room with a smile on his face.

"Heh heh, pilfered TWO CDs! The Beastie Boys one and one of these wacko Christmas albums!" Rei said.

"Feliz Navidad!? That idiotic album!?" Momo said.

"Oops. My bad…" Rei replied.

"Yes, you’re bad." Momo said. "You march back to the store and put them back!"

"But Momo-"

"NOW!" Momo picked up her bazooka and took aim. Rei saw the infrared tracer beam aimed in the middle of his forehead.

"Yes, ma’am!" Rei scuttled out of Momo’s lab. Momo returned to her reading.


Ryu met Rei outside a minute later. Rei was still wearing his fedora.

"Hey! I thought that you were gonna return those!" Ryu cried, as he saw Rei looking at the two pilfered disks.

"Ha! Think Momo’s my mother?" Rei asked.

"Of course not. Do you even listen to her-" Ryu couldn’t finish.

"No! Listen to your family, Ryu?" Rei yelled.

"Well, you make the world’s worst plans, dude!" Ryu commented.

"Say, you’re callin’ me Dad?" Rei said.

"No, wait a minute…" Ryu was cut off as he heard Momo’s voice.

"REI! Get you ass in here right now!"

Ryu shrugged. "Forget it. If Momo’s angry, I’d rather go to Wyndia."

"But why?" Rei asked.

"One word: Bazooka. Never mess with the bazooka. Remember that," Ryu said. Rei ran inside with a guilty feeling.


"If you’re talking about the airplane incident, it’s not me," Rei said.

"What airplane?" Momo replied, with a defiant glare.

"Oh, nothing," Rei replied. "Anyway, what’s this all about?"

"It’s three days ‘til Christmas. And nine days ‘til New Year’s," Momo said.

Rei looked down. "Uh, yeah. And I never even thought of last year’s New Year’s Resolution.

"Which is…" Momo started, demanding Rei to blurt out the answer.

"… to be nice with you for one day," Rei finished, frowning.

"And for the past three hundred and fifty-six days, nothing," Momo snapped.

"Nothing!?" Rei responded.

"Nothing. You weren’t even here for my birthday! What do you have to say about that, huh?"

"Is one M&M an M?"

"Depends." Momo procured a bag of M&Ms, and took a green one out. "Roll it like this and it’s a ‘w’. Roll it clockwise and it’s an ‘e’. Roll it around and it’s a strange looking ‘3’. Someone’s little brother sniffed up an M&M up his left nostril and nearly killed himself. Call it what the hell you want!"

"Thanks, Momo, you’re a real pal. You don’t know how important that was," Rei said.

"Now to my priority, Woren." Momo snapped. "Since you’re a grade-A moron who flunked LS195 Great Ideas three times, I’ll give you one chance to fulfill your New Year’s resolution."

Rei stared in Momo’s reddish eyes. "What?"

"Give me this list of Christmas presents," Momo said, as she handed a list to Rei.

Rei snatched the list and read it. "Green Bay Packers jersey, plutonium… I can’t do this kind of shopping in three days!"

"Then I’ll give you a break. I’ll expect them by the end of this year. Hell, since we’re gonna be on Earth, let’s make this more of a game." Momo said, as Rei looked puzzled. "Yes, a game. I’ll expect you at Times Square by the end of this year. That’ll fulfill your New Year’s Resolution."

"Okay, I’ll do it!" Rei said. He turned toward the door and was about to leave. "That’ll… Hey! If I do this, then you’ll coerce me to do another New Year’s Resolution!"

"That’s right," Momo said, with a smile on her face.

"And what if I don’t do this?" Rei asked.

"If you don’t, I’ll have to personally kill you," Momo said.

"Doesn’t that just beat all…" - Rei looked at Momo’s face - "…right. I’ll do it. I’ll be at the coffee shop."


Ryu rapped his knuckles on the Wyndian castle gates. It was the same routine every day since the victory over Myria – Rei argues with Momo, Teepo punts every little old lady and politician he sees, and Ryu stands in front of the castle for hours over end.

Fifty knocks later, a guard answered from the inside. "If you’re selling Wing Commander or Rogue Squadron, GO AWAY!"

Nina ran downstairs and opened the castle gate to the guards’ chagrin. "Ryu! Why are you here?"

"Rei’s arguing with Momo and Teepo’s in his daily ass-kicking contest. So it’s just you and me for today," Ryu said, with a yawn.

After a bit of hesitation, Nina let Ryu inside.

The two walked along the hallway, Ryu’s right hand in Nina’s left. As they turned toward the dining room, they found Nina’s mother with an angry look on her face.

"Hey, soon-to-be-mother-in-law," Ryu said, smiling. "How ‘bout them California Angels?"

"You should be tied up and boiled in WD-40," Nina’s mother said. "All you idiots do is wreck havoc in the entire Breath of Fire community. Why can’t you be more like Cloud and Aerith?"

"That’s Aeris. A-E-R-I-S," Ryu said.

"No, it’s Aerith!" Nina’s mom said.

"Aeris!" Ryu said.

"Aerith!" Nina’s mom said.

"Aeris!" Ryu said.

"Aerith!" Nina’s mom said.

"Aeris!" Ryu said.

"Aerith!" Nina’s mom said.

"Aerith!" Ryu said.

"Aeris!" Nina’s mom said.

"HA HA!" Ryu yelled. "BOO-YEAH! It’s Aeris and I’ll end it here, queenie!"

Nina’s mom was past her patience with Ryu. "Guards! Throw this Daravon moron in the dungeon!"

Two guards ran to the group. "You’re lucky they outlaw the firing squad in Wyndia," one of them said.

Just then, the door burst open, and several guards marched in, holding two people.

"Rei!? Teepo!?" Ryu yelled.

"We didn’t change the café into ‘Starbucks Coffee’, honest! It’s the nutballs at Sin City! They’re also responsible for the Marlboro crap that’s invading the world!" Rei yelled, explaining in some weird defense that nearly shocked Ryu.

"How many rear ends did you kick, anyway?" Rei asked Teepo, in a casual tone.

"I lost count when I whupped McNeil," Teepo said.

Nina’s mom watched as Rei and Teepo were tossed near Ryu. "Throw all three of them in the dungeon!"

The guards complied, grabbing the three off their feet. Rei was ranting and raving. "Hey, you can’t do this! Get me a pro bono lawyer!" The three guards ignored them as they went to the basement.

"What was that all about!?" Nina demanded.

"They’re causing trouble again," Nina’s mother said. "It’s starting to become a perpetual headache here! Once more and they’ll be executed!"

Nina turned from slightly stern to mostly mad. "Let Ryu, Rei and Teepo out."

"Not a chance!" Nina’s mom said, sternly.

"GIVE ME RYU, REI, and TEEPO!" Nina demanded.

Nina’s mother thought for a second, then answered. "Okay, if you want them so badly, then do something for the good of Wyndia: Bust the leaders of Syn City! If any of you had half a brain, they’re the ones responsible for the creation of Starbucks Coffee! Let’s see you do that!"

"Done!" Nina yelled, marching toward the door with a rush of determination. "By Ladon, I could do it alone!"


"Starbucks Coffee!? Marlboro cigarettes!?" Ryu yelled, almost in Rei’s face. "What do you think you’re doing!? Getting me killed!?"

"While you were fooling around with Nina again," Rei said, in a stern tone, "the café at Wyndia and the one at the crossroads were changed into Starbucks Coffee!"

"For almost no apparent reason!" Teepo added. "Who do they think they are, Umbrella Corporation? Those morons at Sin City are at it again!"

"That was then, this is now," Rei said. "But I assume that Starbucks Coffee is being run at Syn City, and illegal coffee beans and cigarettes are being trafficked around. Again!"

"How would you know!?" Teepo questioned.

"Because I am a GENIUS." Rei said, in an almost matter-of-fact look. "Unlike Momo."

Teepo responded with a mere glare.


Nina marched up to Sin City once again. The trek wasn’t very bad; Nina had done this a bunch of times before, from the arrest of McNeil to the destruction of Balio and Sunder. She knew the place like the back of her hand; it was almost becoming an RPG cliché each passing day.

The young red-dressed woman strolled merrily through Cedar Woods, but about fifty feet from the exit, something jumped out right in front of her!

"Eeeek! It’s the Big Bad Wolf!" Drawing her wand, Nina clocked the being square in the head with a KAPOW!

"Uh… Miss Nina, what was that all about?" the creature asked.

"Garr!?" Nina yelled. "Don’t jump out at me like that!"

"Sorry, but Momo wanted to see Rei again," Garr said, as Momo walked out of the thicket.

"Kids," Momo said simply. "Go fig."

"Well, I’ll never forgive myself," Nina said, surveying the wand. She continued after taking a close look. "Whew… No scratches."

"But why… ouch, my head," Garr said, feeling the top of his scalp.

"I’m also sorry about your head, though," Nina said. "But if you’re looking for Rei, he’s in the Wyndian jail again."

"What’s he done this time?" Momo asked.

"I don’t know. Something about Starbucks Coffee." Nina said. "And the only way to get them out is to go to Sin City and bust everyone there."

"Coffee beans and cigarettes again," Momo said.

"How do you know?" Nina asked.

"Because I am a GENIUS." Momo said. "And if Rei thinks he’s one, he can eat bazooka!"

"Miss Momo, is it the gum or the weapon?" Garr asked.

"Take a guess," Momo said, with a glare.


The three walked to Sin City, but the gates were closed and locked. A guy on the top looked down at the three travelers.

"Hey! Go away!" The solder on top said, with a French accent.

"Can it. You’re under arrest!" Nina yelled.

"For what, little miss prissy, might you think?" the soldier responded.

"You’re responsible for the creation of Starbucks Coffee at the crossroads and Wyndia!" Nina said.

"I am not, you little wingnut!" the soldier teased.

"What did you say!?" Nina yelled, pinning the soldier with an evil eye.

"I said WINGNUT! Now go away before I taunt you a second time!" the soldier said, showing no fear toward the princess.

Nina was past her patience with the Frenchman soldier. "That does it!" she yelled. "Myollnir!" With the word, she blew away the door. The soldier on top ran away.


Nina walked in Sin City, and surveyed the scene. There wasn’t a single person in sight. Garr walked up to her.

"Miss Nina, I might ask you to get out of here-" Garr couldn’t finish. Dozens of people pointed various weapons at the trio – machine guns, rocket launchers, nail bats, boomerangs, and nail guns.

There was a long pause as both sides stared at one another in both anger and fear.

Without another word, Nina turned to the crowd. "All right, this is Princess Nina! All of you put your hands in the air and throw down your weapons! NOW!"

To Nina’s surprise (well, at least Garr’s and Momo’s), the group tossed down all their weapons as the three ran for cover.

Nina was shouting as various weapons landed on her. "Hey! What the… yeow!" By the time they were finished, weapons and other junk littered the ground, plus a bird’s nest was thrown right on top of Nina’s head. The three stared at one another in disbelief.

"Good thing you didn’t tell them to lay down their ARMs!" Momo said, as she looked at the myriad of weapons all over the ground. Nina stared at her hair, where the bird’s nest had lain.

"I’ll bet Ryu never had days like this," Nina said, as a bird landed on the nest.


Twenty minutes later, the group rounded up every one of the criminals.

"Man, you’ve gotta be very afraid of Nina Wyndia to surrender THAT fast," Momo commented to one of the criminals.

"Nina Wyndia!?" the criminal responded, with a shocked look on his face. "Great Scott, I thought she was Xena, Warrior Princess! I watch it every day!"

"You watch it, too?" Momo said. "It’s taking over the airwaves and nuking every hit fantasy show out there! It’s a conspiracy, I tell you!" Momo continued ranting and raving, through her pissed-of-at-Rei infested mind.

"Miss Momo, there are no hit fantasy movies out there." Garr said, matter-of-factly.

"D’OH! You ruined one perfectly good line!" Momo yelled.

"Sorry, Miss Momo," Garr responded. "You never watched ‘Willow’ or ‘Conan the Barbarian’? In your terms, the two movies sucked."

"I don’t know, but I watched ‘Ishtar’ and ‘Cutthroat Island’. Twice, even. Reminds me of the good old days of Final Fantasy Mystic Quest," Momo said, expressing schmaltz.


An hour later, the group marched all the way back to Wyndia, up to the castle. She spotted a squad of soldiers.

"You guys take it from here!" The Wyndian soldiers took over watching Nina’s prisoners.

Nina ran right in the castle, and saw Ryu, Rei, and Teepo totally free. She smiled. "You had faith in me, didn’t you, mom?"

"Actually, they broke out of the prison and are ready to take me prisoner," the queen said.

"Yeah right," Nina responded, as she walked up to the three. She was ready to get the three out of her mother’s sight as soon as possible. "You guys look like as if you have something on your mind. Why don’t you just take care of that?"

"The Starbucks incident?" Ryu said. "Yeah, we’ll get to it right away!" Ryu ran off. "And great job busting an entire city. See ya around!"

"Yeah, and I have a lot of shopping to do!" Rei said, running right out the door.

"And you, Teepo?" Nina asked. Teepo acted as if he didn’t have an excuse to leave immediately.

"Well, there’s my everyday job, so I’ll see you then," he said.

"And I won’t be seeing you anymore," the queen said.

"Back to the salt mines, I guess," Teepo said. As a final courtesy, Teepo booted the queen’s rear with a swift kick with a WHAP!

"What the hell was that all about!? I’m not that old!" she ranted.

"You’re not, huh?" Teepo said. He then gave Nina’s mother another kick in the ass.

"Why did you do that again!?" she yelled.

"My other ass-kicking policy," Teepo said, as he ran out the door, breezing by the surprised guards. "My job!" he concluded.

The queen gave Teepo a defiant glare as he left the castle.


Ryu, Rei, and Teepo ran right to Durandal’s shack, where he was practicing his "skills". The place was just as it was before Ryu’s quest – bunch of barrels on the top floor, with a teleport device on the bottom.

"Hello, guys," Durandal greeted. "Any of you want to apprentice under me?"

"No way!" Teepo spat. "Besides what would YOU have that would be a good skill for me?"

"Well, I can teach you ‘Feign Swing’, which does... well... nothing," Durandal responded, brandishing his sword in practice.

"Nothing, huh? Well, you could be the next Jerry Seinfeld, and do more ‘Seinfeld’ episodes, if you weren’t such a dork all the time," Teepo said. He then kicked the sword right out of Durandal’s hand. "Amateur," Teepo exclaimed simply.

"Well, anything else for today?" Durandal said emotionlessly, covering his hand in pain.

"Do any of you guys know if one M&M is an M?" Rei asked.

"Well, I sucked one up my nose and nearly choked to death," Ryu said.

"It was you?" You mean that I beat up Balio and Sunder for absolutely NOTHING!?" Teepo yelled. "DAMN YOU, RYU!" He jumped right at Ryu’s neck, and the two grappled one another, rolling on the floor.

"Also, did you know if Momo used the teleporter today?" Rei asked. He stared at the two fighting Dragon clansmen, rolling along the floor trying to pull each other’s hair out. "Forget it. I’m a genius, therefore, Momo’s probably goin’ to Times Square by now."

"You are a MORON!" Teepo said, then he socked Ryu in the head. He then got up, losing all concentration on Ryu.

"I agree!" Ryu yelled. He kicked Teepo in the groin region. Teepo groaned and fell right to the ground.

"That’s MY role!" Teepo groaned, as he fell to the ground in pain.

"Doesn’t that just beat all…" Rei said, staring at Teepo. "Okay, let’s do lunch!"

"Yo quiero Taco Bell!" Ryu yelled. "And Pringles, too. While we’re at earth, want us to grab a couple stacks?"

Teepo got up, weak and dazed, and stared at Rei and Durandal. "No quiero Taco Bell…"

"So, want any?" Ryu asked. "They’ve got Olestra…"

"When you return, spit a couple here, buddy," Durandal said.

Ryu and Teepo jumped on the teleporter. Rei stared at the console. "Okay, where to? Costa Del Sol? Los Angeles? Rally Point A, or B?"

"Take me straight to Charon, buddy," Teepo said, in an I-don’t-care manner.

"Pluto!?" Rei yelled. "Doesn’t that just beat all!?"

"And what about Starbucks coffee?" Ryu asked.

"Their invasion? The truth is out there, waiting for a destined child…" Teepo said, almost in stupor from Ryu’s previous attack.

"Forget it. Beam me up, Scotty," Ryu said, smiling. Rei punched in the coordinates and entered the teleporter, leaving Wyndia.


Los Angeles, July 11, 2029 – The war against the machines began when three billion human lives-


"What!?" Teepo yelled. "This isn’t Terminator 2 or Chrono Trigger!"


Sorry, Teepo. Wrong card. Blame it on Myria.


Los Angeles, December 22, 1998

"Yay, Earth," Ryu said as the three stepped off the portal. "Now where are we…?"

"Hmmm…. The computer says, ‘Rally Point C: Los Angeles, California. Choose either: Rally Point A, B, or Costa Del Sol." Rei said, as he was surveying the computer.

"Costa Del Sol!? Spain or the Planet?" Teepo questioned.

"Villa De Cloud?" Ryu replied. Teepo got out of his daze.

"NO QUIERO TACO BELL!" he bellowed. "SO SHUT UP!"

Outside, Rei rolled tape on his hand in such a way that the sticky side faced outward.

"Rei, what the hell do you think you’re doin’!?" Teepo yelled.

"Oh, nothing…" Rei replied.

Ryu continued. "Okay, we have eight days to reach Times Square, and we also have to pick up some suitable gifts for Momo." The three continued talking as they walked along the Los Angeles Streets.

Teepo said, "And there’s some foreign stuff in that import shop over there. We grab a ton of imported fireworks…" Rei then interrupted.

"From Caer Xian, right? Kombinant?" In a flash, Rei snatched a bunch of change from a Santa Claus bucket with his sticky tape-hand.

"That’s real smart, Rei. You teleport all the way up to Earth to rob fifteen cents from a Santie Claus?" Teepo said, in a Joe Pesci fashion.

"Hey, every little bit helps!" Rei defended. "Besides, how will ‘Pilfer’ do now I have this crazy tape glove?" He then picked off the change from his hand – mostly pennies and quarters.

"Hmmm… how much there?" Ryu inquired.

"Three dollars and eleven cents," Rei answered. "Including a HALF DOLLAR! Woohoo!"

"Great, now you can buy that ten thousand shares of Sega stock you’ve always wanted," Teepo said, sarcastically. "Plus some left over to acquire Nintendo."

"Check that list. Momo said that she wanted a Green Bay Packers jersey, some plutonium, fireworks, a new quill cap… I HATE FETCH QUESTS!" Ryu almost tore up the list.

"…one of those pens that they give away at the White House, photos of Roswell aliens, a FAMAS G2 Assault Rifle, and some words of wisdom," Teepo concluded. "At least there’s no Squares…"

"Good. No Final Fantasy. No Pokemon," Ryu said. "What’s next, Lufia? Seventh Saga?"


Fort Bragg, NC

General Public stormed his words toward the battalion. "We have a crisis in our hands. It seems that some blue-haired weirdo, wolf-man, and lavender-haired freak-"

The battalion, who was standing fast, ran in a moment’s notice after General Public mentioned "lavender-haired freak".

When the dust settled, only one person stood in the battalion’s place. She was in red-and-gray armor, average height, weird blade-like "gloves" on her hands, and brown hair.

"Looks like you’re the only one on Earth who can undergo this mission," General Public said. "What’s your name again?"

"Alys Brangwin, Special Intergalactic Hunter Extrordinare," Alys said, standing fast. General Public stared at her, smiling.

Ten minutes later, the group walked into a top-secret conference room, with Chaz and Rune tagging along.

"It looks like an interesting place, doesn’t it, Alys?" Chaz asked.

"Really? It doesn’t interest me one bit," Alys replied.

General Public began the briefing as Alys, Chaz, Rune, Colonel Weaver, and General Leo sat down. "We have a desperate mission in our hands. Three weirdoes landed in a city-"

"What weirdoes?" Alys asked.

"I already said, a blue-haired kid, a wolf-cat dude, and a lavender-haired freak…" After General Public said "lavender-haired freak", all the guards ran out the conference room in terror.

"You said wolf-man," Alys said, in an inquisitive tone.

"Sorry, Brangwyn," General Public said. "Anyway, they landed in the West Coast-"

"Where in the West Coast!?" Alys demanded.

"California," General Public answered.

"WHERE IN CALIFORNIA!?" Alys yelled.

"Somewhere in Los Angeles, some time today-" General Public couldn’t finish. Alys moved in toward the general, ready to kill.

"Stop beating around the bush. Someone keeping information from me is the sixth most dangerous thing in the world!" she threatened, hanging her weapon blade close to General Public’s neck.

"Identified as Ryu, Rei and Teepo, at the Golden Gate Bridge, arrived 0900 hours Pacific Time, heading eastward. Happy?" General Public spat.

Alys nodded as General Public ended the briefing. "Dismissed."


Back to the story…

As the three entered the "Java The Hutt" coffee shop, Teepo thought of a question. "Rei, today’s the 22nd. And Momo wants her gifts by the 31st. And Christmas is three days away."

There was a pause. "So what’s your point?" Rei asked.

"Idiot," Teepo said. "People give gifts on December 25th! What was Momo thinking!? Or if she’s Yuffie in disguise?"

"If she was Yuffie, she would have ripped you off big time by now. Besides, we have no Materia," Ryu said.

"Good point," Teepo said simply.

The three walked to the counter. The cashier greeted the three. "How’s it goin’, blue-haired dude? I’m Ted "Theodore" Logan, your cashier for the day. Today, we have the ‘Sun Megasystem Java Special, and it comes with your choice of Netscape Navigator, Communicator, or the regular."

"Three cups of that java, dude," Ryu said.

"With or without a Netscape browser?" the cashier asked.

"Without," Ryu said simply. The cashier gave them the drinks and tossed a strange box on the table. Ryu gave him a twenty and he rang up the order.

The three took a seat next to the store’s left window.

"Okay. First we get the fireworks, then-" Suddenly, a gunshot was heard. Glasses broke and people screamed. As a shadowy figure walked to the door, the place gradually went into dead silence.

"It’s Starbucks Coffee! Run for your lives!" Rei yelled. A man in a white trench coat entered the room.

"Wuh oh, it’s Ruf- er, Bill Gates," Ryu said, looking at Bill’s nerdy face.

The three stood in dead silence as Bill Gates readied his shotgun. "All right, with Microsoft’s attempt to conquer the software world, I’m ending the Java world. And it starts with this little place!"

"Wait’ll the Justice Department hears about this!" Teepo yelled. "They’ll take you for every dime you have!"

Bill Gates responded by pointing his shotgun at them. "Never mention the Justice Department!"

"Does this mean that you’re gonna kill us?" Ryu asked.

Bill Gates responded by clicking the shotgun. "Of course! But since I’m in a good mood, then I’ll let each of you ask me one question."

Ryu, Rei, and Teepo thought for a second, then Rei asked his question. "Is one M&M an M?"

"It could be a 3, ‘w’, or ‘e’, depending on how you look at it," Bill answered. "Any other questions?"

"Yeah. Why are you wearing those stupid clothes?" Teepo asked.

There was a brief pause. "BECAUSE IT’S THE FUTURE! I WILL BE ITS MASTER!" Bill yelled. He pointed the shotgun toward Teepo. "One more, blue-haired dude."

"What’s the slogan you had about going somewhere?" Ryu asked.

Bill Gates smiled, then answered. "Where do you want to go today?"

"Area 51!" Ryu yelled. Rei and Teepo got up and ran right over Bill Gates. They ran right out the door and hopped in the back door of Bill’s limo.

"Take us straight to Area 51, and hurry!" But before the driver could respond, Bill Gates hopped right in the back.

"Enjoyin’ the ride?" Bill Gates asked, sarcastically.

"I would, but you TV is only a 13-inch." Rei said, surveying the interior of Gates’s limo. "And no DVD player! And a Jamaican Java coffee machine! Goddamn hypocrite!"

"I meant the Java programming language!" Bill Gates said, as the limo sped across the Golden Gate Bridge.

"And I thought you were a genius, Rei," Teepo said to Rei, who was watching the news.

"He probably says so himself," Bill Gates said. "He’s the only one who says so himself, even!"

"Hey! I don’t… Doesn’t that just beat all," Rei said, knowing that he had been outdone by both Bill Gates and Teepo. There was a pause as they looked at the news.

"… Starbucks Coffee is making their latest endeavor to corner the caffeinated beverage market, taking over various stores around the world, and then some. We take you straight to Los Angeles, California, where they just bought the ‘Java the Hutt’ store at downtown…"

"Java the Hutt!?" Ryu, Rei, and Teepo yelled.

"We were there just five minutes ago!" Teepo added. "What the hell!?"

"I don’t know, but it’s a conspiracy. I’m afraid to admit it, but Rei is right." Ryu said, as Rei smiled. "The truth is out there…"

"…if Mr. Microsoft didn’t buy it from Chris Carter already," Rei added.

Bill Gates drew the shotgun from the limo floor. "That, Rei, I’ll just have to kill you for. No one calls me Mr. Microsoft and gets away with it!" But before Bill could fire, Rei snatched the shotgun away from him. Bill tried to take it back, but the sticky-taped hand was stuck fast to the shotgun’s barrel.

"Sorry, dude, but you’re stuck with me for the rest of the trip," Rei said. "So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride."


Groom Lake, Nevada

"Are we there yet?" Rei asked.

"No!" Bill Gates answered.

"Are we there yet?" Rei asked.

"No!" Bill Gates answered.

"Are we there yet?" Rei asked.

"No!" Bill Gates answered.

"Are we there yet?" Rei asked.

"NO! Shaddup before I bribe a WEAPON to kick your ass!" Bill Gates yelled.

Rei was surprised. "You could do something like that!?" he asked.

"Of course! I’m valued at over 70 billion dollars!" Bill Gates responded, complacent toward himself.

"So how do you do use this skill?" Rei asked, with hints of curiosity.

"Well, if you’ll become my apprentice, I could teach you this and the ‘Foretell’ skill," Bill Gates said, smiling.

"So, what’s the catch? Mygas took all our dough. D’lonzo needed fifteen weapons. What do you want from us?" Teepo asked, with a bit of sarcasm and anger in his face.

"Okay… if you could show me 15 different type of stock certificates, then I’ll let you apprentice under me. I don’t want any idiotic business failures getting in my way!" Bill Gates said.

"Done!" Rei concurred. "Momo won’t teach me Foretell even if the sun goes nova, so I guess it’ll have to be you."

An hour later, they reached the outskirts of Area 51 – a barren wasteland with a large sign that read "U.S. Military Installation Site – Trespassing is strictly prohibited under penalty of death!"

"We’re here… the humble desert city," Ryu said.

"Dammit Ryu, this is Area 51! Area 51, not Dragnier!" Teepo yelled.

"So…" Bill Gates asked, scanning the location. "Where’s the doorbell?"

"There isn’t one, so I’ll guess we’ll have to barge through," Rei said.


The Area 51 main gate was barred off as usual, with two guards guarding absolutely nothing. After all, Area 51 was unknown to all except the top military personnel and the occasional aliens, disregarding RPG standbys.

"Well, why are we even bothering to guard this gate? one of them asked. "No one comes, and no one ever leaves! It’s like the city of Midgar, for crying out loud!"

"Who cares," the second one replied, staring at his M-16. "It’s little more than K.P.! Just sit back, relax, and enjoy-"

Suddenly, the two guards spotted a sled and a reindeer coming toward them, with three people on the sleigh with white beards and red coats. A large sack was the baggage on the sleigh.

The guards turned serious in a flash. "Halt! This is a restricted area. Classified military personnel only! Identify yourselves!" the first soldier barked.

"Santie Claus!" the three Santas replied.

"No, there ain’t no Santie Claus," the second soldier replied.

"Oh, yes there is, and we’ve got a present for you!" the tall Santa said. He directed the sack to the two guards.

"You have!? Where?" The two guards looked inside the sack. But as they did, the other two Santas walked behind them and bashed them in the head, knocking them into stupor.

"Ohhh…" The two soldiers got socked in the head again, and fell right into the sack, unconscious.

The two Santas looked at each other. "Hey, great job, Ryu!" one of them complimented.

"I can’t believe that they fell for it, Teepo!" Ryu said, in his Santa disguise.

A fourth figure got out from the bottom of the sleigh.

"Bill! Dude, why didn’t you participate?" Rei said, as he took off the hat and beard.

"Dammit Rei, I’m a programmer, not a philanthropist!" Bill Gates said.

There was a pause at Bill’s "joke". "Uh… forget it," Rei continued. "Anyway, can I borrow this shotgun?" he said as he pointed toward the shotgun that Teepo used as a club on the two guards.

"Fine," Bill Gates answered. "But if you break it, you buy it!"

Teepo stared at the weapon. "Uh… fine with me, I guess…"


Ryu, Rei, and Teepo sneaked into the outer section of the barracks. It was an easy trek there due to the lack of security around the base. Because it was an absolute secret to any civilian on the planet, Area 51 had no real need for security. Everything important, save the barracks and Air Force fighter jets, was kept under heavy security hundreds of feet underground.

There was the wired fence in the front. Rei stared at the barbed wire at the top. "Barbed wire. Betcha the plutonium is in there."

"Dare you to climb the-" Teepo started. He saw Rei already climbing the fence. "D’OH!"


Outside, an Army truck rolled through the back gates of Area 51.

"Hey, Alys-" Chaz started.

"Don’t even try. You’ll only get clobbered and the scars won’t heal for a week," Alys interrupted sternly.

"Can it-" Chaz couldn’t finish as the Army truck entered the gates.

One guard walked up to the group. "I need identification and the proper clearance!"

"Clearance!?" Alys shouted. "I’ll show you clearance!" With a flick of her wrist, she struck the two guards with her boomerang, showing them her superhuman Hunter skills.

"Okay. Pass! PASS!" the second guard yelled. He turned toward the first. "What the hell was that!? Did you see her flick her wrist? Geez Laweez!"


Rei looked down as Teepo bandaged his hands. "Okay, maybe climbing the fence wasn’t such a great idea. Hey, Teep, can you put the sticky stuff outside?"

"If you stick yourself in the face again, I’m not gonna help you, you know," Teepo replied, as he followed Rei’s command.

"Hey, why not dig?" Ryu asked as he took two entrenching tools to the group.

Teepo slapped the tape on the ground. His anger increased at Ryu’s statement. "Dig? DIG!? You expect me and this cheeseball to dig!?" Teepo said, pointing to Rei.

"Cheeseball? Now doesn’t that just beat all?" Rei responded, grabbing one of the entrenching shovels. He started digging in a place near the fence. Ryu grabbed the other and followed suit.

"I think we should-" Teepo got blasted by a shovelful of dirt. He tried again.

"Hey Rei-" Teepo got hit in the head with another pile of dirt.

"Hey! Knock it off!" Teepo was angered by shovelful after shovelful of dirt. He marched up to the digging site, and started kicking dirt away. It did do a lot of progress, despite what one might think.

An hour later, the trio dug down fifty feet underground.

"Hey, do you think this is deep enough?" Rei asked.

"Deep enough?" Teepo responded. He looked up at the top. "Hey, we’re stuck!"

"We’re stuck?" Ryu responded. He started to dig toward the opposite direction, brandishing his shovel up in the air. "Hey, dig up, DIG UP!"

"There’s no dirt upward, you airhead!" Teepo shouted. "Down! Down!"

"You sure about that?" Rei asked. Teepo responded with a fiery glare. "All right!" Rei struck the entrenching tool on the dirt with a heavy blow. However, he hit something metal.

"Eureka! Plutonium!" Rei shouted, thinking about Momo’s presents. He struck the metal object again.

The next second, water burst out of Rei’s breach. Teepo stared at the muddy mess. "Hey, leak to starboard, fuzzball!" he teased, in a serious tone.

"Fuzzball!? I can kick yer rear even if you do become one of those great Dark dragons, lavender boy!" Rei teased.

"Dark Dragon!? I can wipe you out even as my human self!" Teepo replied.

"Why don’t you change into one and make it easier for yourself?" Rei responded, wondering how far he would get against the master of bragging.

"I don’t have to change into one, slug!" Teepo yelled. Ryu acted as if he had something to say.

"Uh… guys, the water’s starting to fill up the hole," Ryu commented.

"C’mon! Dig up! Up!" Teepo panicked.

"There’s no dirt upward!" Ryu responded. "Down! Down!"

With the command, the three tried to dig deeper downward, getting mud soaked all over their clothes.

Before long, a chain fell next to the three.

"Me first!" Rei shouted, as the three grabbed the chain at the same time. They kept on trying to grab a piece of the chain, endeavoring to get out of the mud pit first. But to their surprise, the chain rose, carrying all three of them out!


Ryu, Rei, and Teepo looked around their new surroundings. They spotted dozens of soldiers, each equipped with M-16 rifles, and three other weirdoes. One was a female in red-and-white clothing and had brown hair, the second had light blue hair tied back in a ponytail, and the third looked fairly childish, with blond hair.

"Uh… hi?" Ryu asked, staring at the dozens of guns pointed at the groups, and the ominous bladed boomerang the female was holding.

"You’re coming with me!" the female barked. From her tone of voice, and her cold stare, the trio could only agree.

"Her… Her!" Ryu shouted, as a crazy idea passed through his head. "The boomerangs… She’s Alys! She’s a minion of Yuffie!"

"For that, I’m just gonna have to kill you," Alys shouted. She rose her boomerangs, ready for the kill…

"Hey," Teepo interrupted. "This Rei here thinks he’s a genius! Kill him first!"

"Me!?" Rei shouted. "Well, I am a genius-"

"Hey, do you think you could do something for us?" one of the soldiers said.

"Like what?" Rei responded.

"You are definitely aliens," the soldier stated. "And if you came from space, you definitely have some kind of dilithium-like crystals or something like that."

Rei looked downward. "Well, we didn’t-" Teepo elbowed him. "Yeow! I mean, we don’t have any on us. But we could fabricate a couple. What do you think?"

Alys thought for a couple of seconds, then spoke. "You have eight hours. Then I guess we’ll have to kill you!"

The group – Ryu, Rei, Teepo, Alys, Chaz, Rune, and the platoon of soldiers - all entered the long stairwell all the way down to the basement.

"You have the feeling we’re going straight down to hell?" Ryu asked.

"I’ve been there." Teepo said, reminiscing his past in the clutches of Myria. "Twice."

"Does she have Starbucks Coffee?" Rei asked.

"Very funny," Teepo responded, showing his sarcasm to the entire group. "Veeeeery funn-ee."

Three hundred and thirty-five stairwells down, the group made it all the way to Area 51’s secret labs.

Rei looked around in "their" lab. "Say, aren’t your toilets worth a million bucks here?" he asked, with a wicked grin.

"No, just the toilet seat," Rune said. "You break it, you buy it, wolf-man."

Rei was about to raise his fist in protest, but a guard poked him with the bayonet of his weapon. "Ouch! I think I get the point!"

* * * * *

"So we’re actually flying to New York City?" Momo asked Nina, as she stared at her plane ticket.

"Yeah. We’re gonna fly the Great Bird and not have to deal with the crappy ‘foods’ that they serve us on the flight." Nina responded, in a moody, sarcastic tone.

As Momo and Nina chatted with each other the onion dude, Peco, and the chrysm bot, Honey, were fooling around in Momo’s twin baby carriage. They weren’t too much of a problem, but they seemed to bring tears to anyone who would look closely at Peco.

The group walked up to the ticket station. Nina checked her backpack for her ticket.

"Uh oh," Nina said. "We have only two tickets, and the flight’s all booked up."

"Yeah, I know," Momo responded. "These damn flight prices keep on skyrocketing!"

"By Ladon, I wish I were a full-blooded Wyndian," Nina commented.

"Well, times are tough," was Momo’s curt reply.

Nina digested the words, then responded. "Why not toss Honey and Peco in the suitcase?"

The group was next in line. "Okay, I’ll need two tickets for the two of you and two for that bratwurst and onion in that carriage," the ticket taker said.

"Them? They’re just excess baggage," Momo said, folding the carriage with both Honey and Peco inside.

"Pukyyyy!" Peco yelled, as he was compressed in the folded carriage. Momo then tossed the carriage in its respective box.

"Sorry, but you’ll have to blame USAir for high ticket prices," Nina said, as she picked up the box and placed it in the baggage-handling area. "Besides, the food in airlines suck!"

"Puuuuu..." Peco squealed in agreement.

The ticket taker then picked up the luggage and boxes.


Fifteen minutes later, they made it to their plane. Momo gaped at the Boeing 747.

"Hey, Momo, what’s wrong?" Nina asked, in an attempt to comfort Momo.

"The plane, Neen, the plane!" Momo whispered.

"The plane!? What about the plane? It looks plain to me…"

"I HATE FLYING!" Momo shouted. She went in a crazed rage, running all around their section of the terminal.

"Hey, Momo, flying is-"

"IF YOU PUT ME IN THERE I’LL CLIP YOUR WINGS!" Momo threatened, in maniacal laughter and rage. People looked around wondering who was this crazy woman.

"Forget it," Nina said. She walked over to a group of Hare Krishna devotees.



"I hope the airplane incident didn’t affect Momo in any way," Rei said, filling the bottle with sulfuric acid.

"I don’t know. She did barf all over the rear cockpit," Teepo said, as he grabbed bottles of glycerol and ammonium sulfate. Rei grabbed them and filled the larger bottle with the two chemicals. The mixture started to bubble horribly.

"Anyway, let’s hope she’s taking the train again," Ryu said, staring at a book called Elementary Chemistry.

The mixtures started sputtering acid-like drops all over the table. None of the three even noticed.

"Not likely," Rei started, as he looked upward at the shelf. He gazed at the contents. "Rik’m rak’m! I’m all out of ingredients!"

The bottle started to boil away rudely. "Hey, the rocket fuel’s going bonkers!" Teepo shouted. "Someone put a cork on it! NOW!"

"The fuel isn’t talking, now is it, Teepo?" Rei said, searching the place for another chemical.

"I’ll put a cork in YOU if you don’t put a cork on the bottle!" Teepo shouted. Rei and Ryu followed the order.

Ryu grabbed the longest stopper he could find. Rei took it and punched it on top of the mixture bottle.

The three stared at the results. "Hey, it worked!" Ryu shouted.

The acid on the table started to catch fire.

"Whoaaa!" Rei shouted. He grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher and put out the fires. The table now had a ton of small holes, looking like Swiss cheese from a distance.

"Well, at least Momo’s not here," Rei said, surveying the mess. "She would have blown the lab all the way to Station Myria!"

"That’s great," Ryu said, sarcastically.

The pressure of the gas inside the bottle began to reach critical level. In about three seconds, the cork flew right off the bottle, and sailed across the room like a bullet.

They heard a scream from the distance. "Yeeeow!"

"Geez, I haven’t seen a cork fly like that since Rufus stuck one up Palmer’s rear," Rei commented.

Just then, a scientist with dark brown hair walked into the room. He also had the cork in his left eye.

"Hey, sorry," Ryu said. "I think you need safety glasses before entering!"

The young man responded with a "I’m Hahn, and I’m just gonna check on what you used on that rocket fuel of yours." He drew out a pen and notepad, and was ready to write down what the other three would say on a minute’s notice.

"Let me do the talking," Teepo said to Ryu and Rei. He turned his head toward Hahn. "Okay, it has four parts sulfuric acid…"

"…four parts sulfuric acid…" Hahn repeated, as he wrote down the ingredient on the notepad.

"…three parts of one-tenth molar formaldehyde…" Teepo said.

"…three parts formaldehyde…" Hahn repeated, jotting the ingredient down.

"…and one of those pure nitro-glycerin thingies," Teepo said, as he was thinking of another ingredient name.

"…nitro glycerin?" Hahn said.

"Yeah," Teepo said.

"All right, if you say so," Hahn said, writing "nitro glycerin" on the notepad.

Right when Hahn finished writing the ingredient name, he heard Alys’s voice. "HAHN! Get your ass in her right now!"

"Huh?" Hahn responded.

Just then, Alys, Chaz, and Rune walked into the lab.

"Hahn! They can’t make dilithium crystals with this!" Alys shoved an armored box toward Hahn.

"Plutonium!? Alys, do you ever watch Star Trek!?" Hahn yelled.

"In other words, that thing there isn’t super fuel!" Alys said.

Rei commented on the situation. "Hey, it did pack a wallop! Look at the pyro holes!" Rei pointed at the burnt table.

"Pale Horse!?" Alys said. "The Sephiroth attacking power?"

"No, PYRO HOLES!" Rei shouted. "Besides, how wicked could you be by giving us a stupid formula and telling that it was a trick question?"

"Ha!" Alys yelled. "Look at you! I’ve been in one of the coolest worlds around, and when I get represented in Phantasy Star 4, I get treated like shelfware – like one of those Atari Pac-Man cartridges buried in the desert!"

"Man, I’ve never seen a woman that angry since Nina was… well," Ryu couldn’t finish.

"Everything!" Teepo continued. "It’s Capcom’s stupid idea to fry her brains in the desert and toss ME in the Mir space station!"

"You mean the Myria space station," Ryu responded, amidst the conflict with the hunter Alys.

"Let me rephrase the question," Rei stated. "Are you Yuffie type of evil, or the Alhazad type?"

"I’m not saying!" Alys bragged.

"She’s a minion of Yuffie," Ryu and Teepo muttered.

"Anyway, since you three are grade-A morons who have the intelligence of slugs, you’ll have to die!" Alys said.

"If they really are garden slugs, that’ll actually lower the average intelligence level of the country!" Rune commented. "If you really want to raise the level, kill Shorty here," he continued, pointing at Chaz.

"Hey, don’t forget about the Spice Girls," Chaz said.

Alys shuddered. "Them! Yeah, we’ll do something about that!" She turned toward the three. "Looks like you’re off the hook, for now!"

"And one more thing," Alys remembered. "You three screwed up once again! No wonder Sega’s going down the tubes!" Alys became increasingly furious at the two trios. With one swing of her hand, she slapped Chaz, Rune, and Hahn all in the face with a KAPOW! The three reeled back in pain.

"Yeowch!" Chaz said. "Okay! But don’t forget about the Dreamcast…"

Alys, Chaz, Rune, and Hahn all left the lab.

"Okay, if she hates the Spice Girls, she can’t be a minion of Yuffie," Ryu said. "But really, who the hell is she, coming after us like that?"

"Dunno," Rei said in a naive tone, innocently grabbing the box of plutonium. "One down, seven to go!" He checked off "plutonium" on his checklist.

"Maybe she’s a minion of Evil Cid," Teepo said. "Never in Final Fantasy 1. He’s probably pissed off when the other Cids gained roles in their respective games. But let’s get back to basics. How the hell do we get outta here?"

Rei smiled. "What about-"

"Don’t even think about it!" Teepo threatened. "All it does is bust your skull!"

"I have an idea," Ryu added.

"Don’t even think about it!" Teepo threatened, this time to Ryu. "The last time you had an idea, Mulder and Scully nearly got us killed!"

"Okay... I’ve got an idea here," Teepo said.

"Don’t even think about it!" Teepo threatened to himself. "The last time had an idea, Stone Cold Austin gave me the stunner and busted my skull..."


The three paced along the floor as almost an hour passed.

Rei lifted a finger in the air. "Hey, if the rocket fuel burned a hole in the table, maybe it could burn a hole in the floor! We could dig our way out!"

"Don’t even think about it!" Teepo threatened. "The last time you did something like that, we ended up in a lab where a lavender-haired freak started kicking asses and taking names!"

"Teepo!" Ryu shouted. "By Ladon, have you been sniffing ligament?"

"Okay, okay, we know, we know!" Teepo said, knowing that his anger would only irk Ryu. "I’ll try it!" Teepo grabbed the rocket fuel, and started to pour it in a clockwise fashion around the floor. After he finished, he put the bottle down.

"See! It worked! I’m a GENIUS! A GENIUS!" Rei shouted.

"You were never a success in anything but your ‘Doesn’t that just beat all’ crapola!" Teepo yelled.

Just then, the floor started to give way from the acidic rocket fuel, and Teepo crashed through. "AAAAAARGH!" A deafening thud was heard from the outside with a KABOOM!

"Doesn’t that just beat all," Rei said, staring at the hole Teepo fell under.

Alys, Chaz, and Rune all walked in from the sound.

"Hey, what’s going on here?" Alys demanded.

"Oh, nothing, but if you did watch ‘The Great Escape’..." Ryu said, as he jumped down the hole.

Rei tried to follow, but halfway down the hole, Alys and Rune grabbed him.

"Hey! Noooo!" Rei yelled, as Alys and Rune pulled his hair.

"Dude! We gotta help him!" Ryu said to Teepo.

"All right, but he’ll owe me one," Teepo responded, as the two dragons pulled down on Rei’s legs.

The tug-of-war was really taking its toll all on Rei. "Hey, guys! Noooo! Stop it!"

"You’re coming with us, Woren!" Rune shouted. "There’s no escape! Submit to the PAIN!" The two sides kept on tugging an pulling. From a reflex, Rei’s foot whacked Teepo in the face.

"Hey Rei, what was that all about?" he shouted. Teepo then responded by biting Rei’s leg.


"You’re lucky I’m not Yuffie," Alys said, as she continued her tug-of-war torture. "At least I don’t sing MMMBop while I work!"

Rei was at the end of his rope. "Okay, okay!" he shouted. "I give up! I give up! Just LET GOOOOOOO!"

Knowing that Rei gave in to their demands, Alys and Rune released their grip on Rei. With Ryu’s and Teepo’s added weight, Rei hit the ground below them with a KERPOW!


"Ouch! I would’ve gotten you guys up my rear!" Rei said.

"You’re lucky!" Teepo said, as he walked out toward the exit. Ryu also ran off. Rei, however, was not so lucky. The other two Phantasy Star warriors, Chaz and Hahn, ran in, ready for the kill.

"Eat Phish food, ya poindexters!" Rei shouted, as he kicked a nearby barred door toward them. The two got their heads stuck between the bars as Rei ran off.

Rei turned around, thinking of a dastardly plan. "Why not?" He ran to the hapless warriors, walked behind them, and without any remorse, kicked them in their rears.

"Hee hee hee," Rei said, as Chaz and Rune yelped helplessly in pain. "Teepo’ll probably sell his soul for something like this!"

Rei turned around, looking at a file cabinet. "Okay, pictures of Roswell aliens..." He took a file featuring the Roswell crash of 1947. "Two down..."


Ryu and Teepo sprinted to the nearest jeep, in hopes of escape.

"Okay, let’s blow this Shinra stand!" Ryu shouted, Teepo tried to start the engine.

"Hey, it’s not starting!" Teepo shouted.

Ryu stared at the fuel gauge. "Empty! Our goose is cooked!"

"No it ain’t!" Rei shouted, from a distance. He was carrying the jug of rocket fuel, breezing by the Army soldiers. Their bullets ricocheted off nearby objects, from chain link fences to boxes of unsold, unburied Atari Pac-Man cartridges. He made it to the vehicle unhurt.

"All right, now we’re cooking with gas!" Rei said, as he filled the gas tank. "All right, give it the gun!"

Teepo hit the horn as Rei got in. "Not the horn, the GUN!" Rei shouted, as the car emitted a loud beep.

Teepo smashed the gas pedal with his right foot. The car hissed, then a loud KABOOM emitted from the muffler, covering the pursuers with thick black smoke. The jeep sped off without much of a problem.



With much coaxing (and eight whaps of her wand), Nina was finally able to get Momo on the airplane. The groups of travelers all watched every second of their cavalcade, from Momo’s ranting in the airport terminal to her struggle to put the seat belt on.

Momo finally calmed down. "Okay, sorry Nina... But what’s wrong with my head...?"

"Oh, nothing. Nothing at all," Nina commented, as she took out a book.

"Anyway, what’s that book?" Momo asked, as she stared toward Nina, outside the window. Momo was in the center seat, while Nina was at the window seat.

"It’s called ‘How to Raise Your Consciousness While Lowering Your Golf Scores’," Nina said. "Beats the in-flight movie."

"How you can read in a plane without getting airsick!?" Momo yelled, jealous of Nina’s ability to avoid any motion sickness.

"All Wyndians can avoid it," Nina said, smiling profusely. "Otherwise, how in Ladon can we fly in the first place!?"

"Fly!? FLY!?" Momo shouted, jumping off her seat. Because Momo was unable to fasten the airplane’s seat belt properly, it loosened the second she got up.

Momo stood on the seat. "Get me off the plane! GET ME OFF THE PLANE!" She waved her hands around and yelled in maniacal fervor. Several passengers and stewardesses stared at the two.

"Just a relapse," Nina said simply, as she continued reading her book.

Momo stared at the airsick bag, after throwing up inside it. "Ohhhh..."

"Look at me," Nina bragged. "Like a rock. It doesn’t matter what the conditions are. Could be bad weather, could be good weather." Nina waved her hands around. "We could go up, we could down, we could go side to side..."

Momo’s stomach churned at each of Nina’s words. "Any more... ohhh... airsick bags?"

"You used all three of them in each of the seats," Nina said. "Guess you’ve gotta use the toilet now!"

"All right..." Momo started to get up. The intercom started to speak.

"This is the captain speaking... We are ready to get off the ground now, so please fasten your seat belts..."

"You mean that we’re still on the ground!?" Momo shouted, as she went back to the seat.

"Yeah! It’s been only ten minutes!" Nina stated.

"Maaan!" Momo said, in angst. In a fit of both anger and frustration, she puked all over the back seat, soiling the rear of the carpeted seat, plus the in-flight magazine in side the seat’s pocket. Nina turned the page and continued reading the book, as if nothing had happened.

* * * * *

Teepo stared at the gas gauge. "Bone dry."

"You mean we’re out of gas?" Ryu said. staring around the endless desert.

"Yeah..." Teepo responded, almost giving the evil eye to Rei. "There’s probably both sand in the engine and in your brains, too!"

"It ain’t my fault!" Rei said. "I didn’t drink any of the rocket fuel! You were the one who spilled it all over the place back in Area 51!"

"D’OH! I thought I had an excuse there," Teepo said, kicking the jeep repeatedly.

"There’s nothing else to do," Ryu commented. "I thought there was a gas station about ten miles..." Ryu pointed the opposite direction of the jeep. "...this way!" Ryu started to walk off.

"Well, I could tell you’re not Rei, bro," Teepo said. He started to walk toward the direction of Ryu.

"Hey, fellas, wait for me!" Rei complained, running in the same direction as the two.


A half hour later, the three saw some kind of shiny object right in the middle of the desert.

"Now doesn’t that just beat all," Rei stated. He squinted to take a closer look. "Hey, it’s a telephone booth!"

"Excellent!" The three ran right to the booth. "Hey Rei, got any change?" Ryu stated.

Rei checked his pockets. "Well, there are a bunch of nickels and dimes." He then entered the phone booth to try to toss them in. "Hey! Some wiener filled the coin slot with chewing gum! Now how can I make a phone call!?"

Just then, a fat, nerdy guy wearing eyeglasses walked up to the three. "So you’re in the middle of Death Valley and you need to make that important phone call?"

"Uh, yeah, but someone gummed up the coin slot," Teepo pouted.

"So let this stick to your mind... call 1-800-COLLECT and save up to 30 percent on your phone calls! Only ten cents a minute! It’s 1-8-0-0..." The nerdy guy looked around the desert. Ryu, Rei, and Teepo were long gone. "Damn! Okay, if anyone’s still watching, it’s 1-800-COLLECT to save 30 percent for each call! Don’t get left high and dry..." (A note to readers: This is NOT an advertisement.)


"Whew, I thought that I could never avoid that Newman dude," Rei commented, as the three were running off on a road to nowhere.

"Yeah," Teepo responded. "At least it isn’t that 10-10-321 or whatever the heck it is."

"Well, we’d better keep going, if we want to avoid him again," Rei said.

An hour later, in their wanderings in Death Valley, the three were totally dehydrated and were ready to collapse from heat exhaustion.

"Water!... Water!..." Rei shouted in total agony.

"Nina!... Nina!..." Ryu shouted in agony, similar to Rei.

"Ass-kicking!... Ass-kicking!..." Teepo shouted, in a similar tone of voice comparable to Ryu and Rei.

The three stopped; they couldn’t go on.

"I can’t continue... If Nina was only here..." Ryu said. He collapsed to the ground.

Teepo also collapsed. "It’s the Dusty Dunes Desert deja vu..."

Rei fell to his knees. "This is the breaking point... Check please, table one!" With those last words, Rei also fell to the ground, unconscious.


Time passed.


More time passed.


A psychedelic groove of multicolored light entered the minds of the three, forcing them into happiness as they were about to accept death.


However, it was not the case, as some sort of liquid was splashed on their heads.


The three woke up, and looked at their surroundings. They saw Bill Gates and a Gatorade cooler full of ice water.

"Hey, what’s up?" he asked, in a casual tone. "You’re lucky they had a promo on The Waterboy."

"Oh, nothing," Rei responded, casually. "We were being chased by Area 51 soldiers, plus a hunter named Alys, and we were lost in the desert."

"So what?" Bill said, as he was not excited by the story.

"We also met that 1-800-COLLECT guy," Teepo added, as he got up.

"Him!? AAAARGH! Now that would be something," Bill Gates said.

"Anyway, what are you doing in the middle of nowhere?" Ryu asked.

"I just came to get my shotgun," Bill Gates responded. "Anyway, found those 15 stock certificates?"

"Uh... no. But we have your shotgun," Rei said.

Just then, a grim reaper approached the four.

"Sorry, Death," Rei said. "You’re too late to claim us..."

"Hey, I’m not Death!" the grim reaper responded. "I’m his brother Taxes!"

"So what’s the deal here?" Rei asked, staring at Bill Gates.

"Bill Gates is the deal here," Taxes said, as he brandished his scythe near Bill’s head. "Being the richest man in the known universe, it’s the end of his time!"

"But what about Rufus?" Ryu said.

"Rufus!? That Shinra bozo?" Taxes became increasingly angry. "Okay, forget it. I’ll knock Gates to the pearly gates and beyond!"

Ryu, Rei, and Teepo stared at one another. "Hey, this dude’s getting on our nerves," Rei commented.

"So what do we do?" Ryu asked.

The three thought for a second, then they all thought of an idea. "Melvin!..."

Rei walked up to Taxes, who was still yapping at Bill. "Excuse me, Taxes, but I think your shoes are untied!" Taxes’ attention turned toward Rei.

"Oh?" Taxes asked. He then bent down to look at them...

...and that was the signal for Ryu and Teepo to grab his underwear and yank it very hard with a RRRRRRRRIP, giving Taxes the ultimate wedgie.

"YEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!" Taxes yelled, screaming in paroxysm and pain from the ever-menacing Melvin. Ryu, Rei, Teepo, and Bill all ran off.


Five minutes later, the group was chatting in Bill’s limo.

"Man, I can’t believe that we just melvined Taxes!" Rei said.

"Well, we’d better speed off before he comes back again," Bill Gates responded. "To Phoenix!"

"At least it ain’t Knights of the Round," Teepo commented. Rei and Ryu just stared at him for his idiotic comment.



The PA system crackled at the airport. "Warning. Warning. Major barf alert in Seats 13A, 13B, and 13C of Flight 433 arriving from Los Angeles. Possibly airplane food, possibly motion sickness, or possibly the thought that they might meet Bill Clinton."

Momo got out of the plane. She looked innocent, as if nothing had happened. "Man, my throat is dry from all that puking. Can I go to the snack bar to rehydrate?"

Nina thought for a second, then answered, "Fine. I’ll go get the luggage."

Nina and Momo walked over to the coffee shop. "At least there’s Fruitopia. Get me a couple bottles of that," Nina said, as she walked off toward the baggage claim.


Momo entered and took a seat. The bartender greeted her. "What’ll it be?"

"I’ll have... a Bud Dry," Momo said, flipping three dollars on the counter. The bartender tossed a drink toward her. With the massive urge to quench her thirst, Momo gulped it down.

"I’ll have another," Momo said to the bartender. The bartender tossed her another Bud Dry.

Momo downed the second one as fast as the first. That tasted better, Momo thought. One more sounds like a good idea.

"I’ll have a third," Momo said. The bartender passed her another Bud Dry.

Momo downed the third one as fast as the second. That tasted better, Momo thought. One more sounds like a good idea...


Nina soon returned with all the baggage. She had two suitcases in each of her hands, two backpacks, one in each of her right and left shoulders, and a purse in her mouth.

Nina stared at all the commotion in the snack bar. She looked a the crowd, who was mobbing a drunken Momo.

"And there’s the time I hit Rei in the head with my bazooka in Caer Xian..." Momo rambled. "Man, he was out for over three days!" The crowd of bargoers all laughed at Momo’s stories.

"You mean that you had a bazooka?" one of them said.

"Of course! Nina there has it," Momo said, pointing toward Nina’s general direction.

Nina gaped. The purse fell right out of her mouth and fell on the ground with a very noticeable thud.

"Momo! What in Ladon’s name do you think you’re doing!?" Nina yelled.

"Oh, nothing. Nothing at all!" Momo merrily said. Just then, a hand was placed on her shoulder.

Momo turned around, and saw a weirdo in an alien mask and a scarred guy. The alien spoke in some cryptic dialect.

The scarred man then spoke. "He said that he didn’t like you!"

"Yeah, cool," Momo said, in slurred speech. She turned around and was about to ask for another drink.

The scarred man hit Momo again. "And I don’t like you, either!" The alien-masked man turned Momo around and took her right off the seat of her stool.

"Great scott, it’s Ponda Baba and Dr. Evazan!" Nina yelled, drawing her staff from one of the suitcases.

Nina ran up two the two. "Mind Sword!" she yelled, producing a lightsaber out of nothingness. She picked it up and whacked the Ponda Baba-like dude. He fell down, unconscious.

Struggling to regain her bearings, Momo got up. "Amarifu!" she yelled, in slurred speech. The Quake spell caused an earthquake in the snack bar, destroying bottles, knocking down glasses and barstools, and in general, demolishing the place. People panicked as they ran for the nearest exit. Ponda Baba and Dr. Evazan also ran off.

Nina looked up at Momo’s sick face. "We’d better get outta here!" Momo was stumbling toward the exit, grabbing all the suitcases.

Right when they left, the two ran into a dozen policemen and airport security guards with a ton of pistols.

Nina dematerialized her "Mind Sword" lightsaber and dropped her staff. "Okay, okay, we surrender!"

Momo started to become pale and turned toward Nina. "So help me, Dara-von Kenobi..." and fainted right on the floor.

* * * * *

"So this is Phoenix...?" Rei said, as he exited the limo. "I thought Phoenix was that power of Nina’s..."

"I thought Phoenix was that #*&!% power in Final Fantasy VII," Ryu admitted, as he perused his new surroundings.

"Forget it," Teepo said. "Anyway, do you think that we could find anything else here?"

Rei browsed Momo’s Christmas list. "We still need fireworks, a FAMAS G2 gun, a Green Bay packers jersey, a quill cap, one of those White house pens, and some words of wisdom."

"If I could bribe someone..." Rei said. He turned his head toward Bill Gates. "Hey, still need those stock certificates? All I have to do is call this Schwab dude-"

"Actually, no. Not anymore." Bill Gates responded. Ryu, Rei, and Teepo all groaned in dissatisfaction, wondering what the Microsoft mogul might want next.

Bill then started to have a change of heart. "But anyway, you saved me from Death’s brother Taxes. For that’ I’ll let you apprentice under me." The three grinned at Bill’s amiability. "Who wants in?"

Rei and Teepo took up the chance. "Okay, we’ll do it!"

Bill gave a heartwarming smile. "Okay Rei, okay Teepo, I guess the two of you are hereby my apprentice!"

Teepo looked at Ryu. "Hey, why not join the club?"

"Oh, no," Ryu responded. "Deis’ll kill me if I don’t learn her Celerity skill!"

"Which reminds me," Rei added, speaking toward Bill Gates, "What skills will you give us?"

Bill thought for a second, then answered. "Your intelligence and ability points will rise, but your agility and hit points will go down significantly."

"And what abilities will we gain?" Teepo asked.

"For two levels, you’ll gain the ‘Bribe’ skill, which allows you to manipulate your enemy with money," Bill Gates said.

"Radical," Rei said.

"For three levels, I’ll teach you the ‘Takeover’ skill, which allows you to have a non-boss enemy take your place in battle! And if that guy dies, you don’t die!" Bill Gates described. "It does cost six ability points plus three each turn, though."

"That‘s heavy," Teepo said.

"And for five levels, I’ll teach you ‘Merger’, which is practically Rei’s ‘Pilfer’ on all enemies," Bill Gates continued. "Beats Nina’s ‘Mind Sword’ Jedi thingy any day!" he added, telling about the skills that Ryu, Rei, and Teepo told about.

"But I thought Nina’s ‘Mind Sword’ skill rocked!" Ryu said.

"Out with the old, in with the new, I guess," Bill Gates responded.

"Any more skills besides the three?" Teepo asked.

"Well, if you could defeat Taxes’ cousin Capital Gains, I could give you even more skills!" Bill Gates said. "Ever heard of him?"

"No, I’ve never watched Star Wars," Ryu said simply.



"You totaled the bar, can’t remember why... could it have been that case of Bud Dry?" the chief of police teased.

"What bar? What Bud Dry... ohhh, my head..." It was very apparent that Momo was still in a major hangover.

The chief turned his attention toward Nina. "And who do you think you are? Mara Jade?"

"Nope. Take a guess," Nina said.

"Well, the cafe is now taken over by Starbucks... are you happy about that?"

Nina remembered Ryu’s excuse for leaving. "Well, my friends in the West Coast are finding out this mystery at Area 51, they told me..."

"Area 51!? AREA 51!? Lock these wackos up! I’ve had it!" Before the police chief could continue, one of the bags burst open. Out popped Peco and Honey.

"Pukyyy!" In a fit of rage, Peco grew to major proportions and started to attack the police chief. The chief of police had a telepathic thought going through his head. Release my friends or you will face the wrath of Nina’s staff!

"Okay! Okay! I’ll release them!" the police chief responded spasmodically. "They didn’t kill anyone! I’ll transport them to the Plaza Hotel or something!" Peco then reverted back to his little, sweet, onion self.

The police chief then turned toward Nina. "You have a staff?"

"Yeah. My Ouroboros staff kicks more asses than Teepo," Nina bragged.

"Teepo? You mean that Christmas elf?" the police chief responded.

"If you call him that, he’ll turn into a dragon and fry half this city!" Nina said.

"You know, you should stop watching that damn Godzilla movie and start watching more Titanic," the police chief finished. He picked up the receiver. "Release them."


For all their troubles (and a few threats from Peco), Nina and Momo were able to get a Hertz Rent-A-Car.

"We were lucky. We were lucky that Aya Brea wasn’t around." Nina commented, as Momo drove.

"Why?" Momo asked.

"Because the rest of the people in the police force are donut-eating wimps! No wonder we were able to get off the hook so easily!" Nina responded.

"Actually, it was mostly due to the fact that the airport cafe was changed into Starbucks Coffee..." Momo felt a tinge in her stomach, and almost lurched forward.

"What’s the matter?" Nina asked.

"One problem... Beer’s coming back..." Momo then threw up the beer all over the steering column.

"Geez! Why did you have to drive?" Nina said in disgust, due to Momo’s drunkenness and the puke all over the car. The vehicle then began to swerve all around the place, passing by a police car.

Suddenly, sirens were heard and flashing lights were spotted all around the car’s window. "Now look at what you’ve done!" Nina shouted.

"Uh... sorry," Momo said. She quickly thought of a plan. "My dad showed me this. Follow my lead!" Momo then drove the car near a ditch and stopped. The police car also stopped about twenty feet behind them.

"Okay, get out!" Momo shouted, opening the door and rolling out of the vehicle. Nina then hopped out of the car. She then spotted Momo rolling all over the dirt, and followed suit.

"EVE’S CELLS!" Momo shouted. "It’s Eve’s cells! Get out of here!"

The cops stared at each other. "Uh oh, Eve’s back..."

"Get outta here!" Nina shouted, playing along with Momo’s plan. "We’re gonna mutate into... Spice Girls!"

"Spice Girls!?" one of the cops said. "We’ll... uhh... get backup!" They then ran back to the car and sped off.

"Did you see that?" Momo said. "It actually worked!"
Nina nodded in agreement. "Yeah." She then looked at Momo, who was kneeling down on something.

"Hey, I just barfed in a mole hole," Momo commented. "Cool!"

"And take out all the Russian spies with it," Nina responded.

"Shut up, Nina."

Momo then turned to Nina after she finished her business. "Okay, about the previous subject... wanna drive?"

"Forget it!" Nina said in disgust, after remembering the puke all over the steering column.

* * * * *

"You SURE you want to go to the Galleria?" Bill Gates questioned, as the limo stopped in front of the shopping complex. He knew that the days closest to Christmas were just bustling with shoppers.

"It’s a madhouse! A madhooooouse!" Rei yelled, as he looked around the place.

"Yeah, but we still need Momo’s gifts, remember?" Ryu said. He got out of the limo, and looked around the place. Rei and Teepo soon followed.

The group, Bill Gates included, entered the main lobby, as Rei made sure his tape hand was up to snuff.

Ryu looked at every shopper, as they seemed to stare at Ryu, Rei, and Teepo as if they were a freak show or something. "Hey Rei, Teepo! Don’t you think that we look... well... weird?"

"Yeah," Rei laughed, as he yanked an Arizona Cardinals cap off a poor sap’s noggin. "Shouldn’t we get some new duds?" Rei then placed the purloined cap on his head.

"Especially Mr. Purple here," Bill Gates responded, pointing at Teepo.

"Don’t make me use the Teepo ass-kick!" Teepo threatened in response. Rei snatched a scarf off another victim as Teepo was talking.

Rei put on the scarf, which almost matched the cap. "Where do we start?" He then stuck off a passerby’s little kid mittens.

"Anyplace," Bill Gates answered. "There are dozens of clothing shops around! I wish there were as many Internet cafes or something like that." He got another glimpse of Rei’s petty larceny, as he snatched a derby from another passerby.

Rei took off "his" cap, tried on the derby, didn’t like it, then switched back to the cap. "Okay, so we split up! I’ll try the upstairs."

"I’ll take the right flank," Ryu said.

"I’ll try the left flank," Bill Gates said.

"I’ll sit here and give the Teepo ass-kick to anyone who calls me Mr. Purple," Teepo responded.

"C’mon!" Ryu kvetched, grabbing Teepo’s shoulder.

A young kid ran by. "Hey! It’s Mr. Purple!"

Teepo released himself from Ryu’s grip. "Hey! Get back here, you snot-nosed brat!" He charged toward the kid.


Teepo and Ryu approached the rendezvous point at the lobby an hour later, returning at the same time.

"Hey, Teepo, what the hell did you do!?" Ryu yelled, looking at Teepo’s sweatshirt and baggy jeans.

"It’s the Curly Fleece from Old Navy!" Teepo said, confident of his new look. He acted as if to show it off to the passersby, as if he were saying "Hey, it’s Mr. Purple like you’ve never seen him before!"

"Curly Fleece?" Ryu asked, out of curiosity. The truth was, he was no fashion freak, but would like to get a new appearance - whether to impress Nina, or freak out the elders at Dragnier.

The two Dragon clansmen walked with the crowd until they spotted a mall Santa.

"Hey, it’s one of those mall Santie dudes!" Teepo ecstatically stated.

"I don’t know..." Ryu said, thinking. "Hey Teepo, why don’t you do Rei a favor and tell Santa here to get Rei’s presents?"

"Uh... I’m sixteen years old... wouldn’t that make me look weird?"

"You’re weird already! Just look at you, Mr. Purple!"

"Mr. Purple!? You spoony dragon!" But before Teepo could do his ass-kick, Ryu grabbed him by his purple hair and dragged him to Santa.

"Ho Ho Hooo!" Santa said. "D’OH! I mean, ho ho ho!"

"Quit messing around with that Bugenhagen crap and get with the program! I want this done as soon as possible!" Teepo yelled.

The Santa continued nonchalantly, as if Teepo never swore or said "crap". Maybe the world is becoming morally decadent nowadays.

"Okay, little lavender-haired boy, what would you want from jolly old me?" At Santa’s last sentence, dozens of mallgoers ran from the scene, thinking Santa said "lavender-haired freak".

"Okay, I want a Green Bay Packers jersey, a fountain pen..."

Ryu noted something as Teepo spoke. "Hey, Teepo, didn’t you get a fountain pen during your bar mitzvah?"

"I’m not Jewish," Teepo responded.

"Nobody’s perfect," Santa said.


After his tryst with Santa, Teepo looked down at the first floor concourse. He spotted four suspicious-looking people, familiar to the Phantasy Star people back at Area 51.

"Ryu, come here for a minute," Teepo said, gesturing Ryu to come.

Ryu stared down at the group. "Geez, they’re everywhere!"

Teepo looked right at Ryu with a very serious expression. "I don’t know, but they’re trying to bag us and toss us to Balio and Sunder."

"They’re dead, dude!" Ryu said. "Nina and I toasted them five years ago!"

"I also clobbered them, but Myria bagged me and beat me with a rubber hose in the end," Teepo remembered from his experience with Myria five years ago.

Ryu and Teepo stared at each other. "Okay, let’s do it!" Teepo stated.

The two jumped down to Alys’s level, ready for battle. "Hey, Alys, try this wrap!" Teepo teased, as he grabbed a roll of wrapping paper and tossed it toward Alys.

However, Alys drew her boomerang, and with one toss, knocked away the wrapping paper and struck Ryu and Teepo, knocking them down on their rears.

"Never mention Parappa references in my face!" Alys shouted, as she caught the boomerang. She then drew a second, similar boomerang as she readied for the kill. Chaz and Rune followed suit.

Teepo got up. "Nanu!" he yelled, casting the magical spell Jolt. It struck all of Alys, Chaz, Rune, and Hahn, knocking them backward, and injuring them slightly. Hundreds of shoppers all panicked, running away from the battle area.

"Yeeowch!" Alys shouted, as she got up from her landing position, a stand of South Park videocassettes.

The other three were reeling in pain as they got up from the indoor bushes.

A voice was heard. "Nanu nanu!" Several bolts of lightning (twice as more as Teepo, actually) rained from the sky, pounding the Phantasy Star team with even more pain.

"What the heck was that!?" Teepo said. "That wasn’t me!"

Robin Williams, in his "Mork and Mindy" costume, walked by. "Hello, I came onto this planet looking for intelligent life..." he spoke, in a robotic fashion.

"I think you made a mistake," Teepo commented, as Alys and the crew recovered from Teepo’s and Robin’s/Mork’s Jolt spells.

"Oops. My bad," Robin said.

"Well, you could make up for the mishap. Can you get us outta here as soon as possible?" Ryu asked, as the four foes got up and readied for the kill.

"Nanu. That would be fine." Robin said. As soon as he said "Nanu", lightning fell from the sky, blasting the four foes once more.

"Okay, let’s find Rei and Bill and get the hell outta here!" Teepo said. "And we are sending ourselves back to the future!" he continued, raising his fist in determination.

"Wrong story," Ryu responded.


Rei and Bill were lost in a game of Point Blank, merrily blasting away meteors with pistols, and causing all sorts of havoc in the Noiseworld Arcade. Rei was wearing an all-new quill cap - an item that he pilfered off the head of the "Walk of American History" display in the mall’s aisle. He was too absorbed in beating Bill in the shoot-out of the century.

"Killing meteors with your pistol while avoiding bombs!? Shooting ducks!? With a pink gun!?" Bill Gates complained. "I’ll bet Sephiroth is back with his no good crapola!"

"At least you don’t kill #%!^$ Ancients," Rei commented. "So be grateful."

They then heard Ryu, Teepo, and Robin, a.k.a. Mork.

"Dude, some Hunter is scoping for us," Ryu announced to a game-infested Rei and Bill Gates.

In a split second, they saw the four running toward the arcade, weapons drawn out.

"Let us run to the parking garage," Mork said, in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Right on!" Rei said. But the sticky tape was stuck fast to the handgun, and when he tried to yank his hand free, he pulled the gun right off the stand.

"Doesn’t that just shoot all?" Rei thought, as he looked at the gun, which was off the video game. He then put that thought in the back of his head as the five ran out the service exit.


The group ran through the service exits, which connected to an emergency elevator. They quickly entered, with Alys hot on their heels. However, as elevator door just closed, Alys’s boomerangs protruded right through the center of the sliding elevator doors.

Ryu drew his sword, and as Alys forced the elevator doors open with her boomerangs, Ryu socked her in the head with the blunt part of his sword, knocking Alys backward.

"Doesn’t that just knock all?" Rei said, as he stared at Alys.

The elevator started to go down. After a couple of seconds, they heard a loud thump.

"Now what?" Teepo said.

Teepo’s question was answered when a boomerang blasted through the roof of the elevator cab.

"Great Ladon!" Ryu shouted. He and Teepo drew their swords and stabbed upward in their attempt to knock away the attacker.

Rei joined in on the fun. He drew his pilfered Point Blank pistol and fired upward. To his surprise, the pistol actually fired, punching bullet holes in the elevator ceiling.

"Doesn’t that blast all?" Rei said, in surprise.

Bill and Mork ducked, narrowly missing Alys’s boomerang blasts.

"Nanu!" Mork yelled. Suddenly, the elevator motor received a jolt of lightning, and it sped down straight to the bottom. Had it not been for the elevator’s automatic brakes, the five would have been severely hurt.

The elevator doors slid open, and a small squad of shoppers ran off at the sight of Ryu, Rei, Teepo, Bill, and Mork. Without hesitation, they also ran out of the elevator.

"Now what are we gonna do for transportation?" Ryu said, as he saw Alys jumping down from the breach in the elevator cab’s roof.

Suddenly, they noticed a small car driving toward the three. Teepo snatched Rei’s gun right out of his sticky hand.

"Out of the car!" Teepo yelled, punching a bullet through the windshield, an inch away from the driver’s right shoulder.

The five scrambled inside the vehicle, and Ryu put the car in reverse. Alys began to break into chase.

Ryu continued driving backwards as Alys was flailing her boomerang-arms in chase. He ran the car through the exit, and turned the car around. When the trunk was facing Alys, she chopped handholds with her boomerangs, and held on the back of the car with them.

Teepo looked back, and saw a pissed off Alys climbing the hood of the car with her boomerangs, puncturing the hood with each hold. "Drive faster! Drive faster!"

"Who do you think I am, the Terminator?" Ryu panicked. "Besides, this car’s a Geo!" Teepo and the others clenched their teeth in fear.

On her next step, Alys got close enough to the top of the hood. Taking her right boomerang, she swung it through the rear window, smashing the glass and narrowly missing the group.

Teepo then yelled out, "Nanu!" Another bolt of lightning struck Alys, knocking her off the car. She kept on rolling on the ground with the clanging of Alys’s armor and boomerangs on the rough roads.

"Yes! We got rid of her again!" Ryu yelled.

"Doesn’t that just beat all?" Rei responded.

"You know, you said that ‘Doesn’t that just beat all’ crap the last four times," Teepo added.

Ryu turned his attention toward Bill. "Okay, we got rid of Alys, Chaz, Rune, and Hahn twice. How many levels would that give us?"

"Okay, maybe you got about two levels or so. Therefore, I’ll teach you the ‘Bribe’ skill," Bill Gates said. He then wrote several Skill Notes down and handed it to Rei and Teepo.

"Hmmm... what’s next?" Ryu said.

"Possibly Green Bay or something," Ryu said. "Or Weippe or Butte."


Several hours later, they reached Roswell, New Mexico.

"Nanu. Okay, stop the car," A lightning bolt blasted something in the distance. The sounds of high-pitched wailing could be heard from the distance.

Without another second, the group stopped at the Motel 6 parking lot and got out.

Mork got out. "Okay, this is my stop. I have to get back to the Warhammer 40K world."

"Warhammer!?" Ryu yelled. "What the hell is that?"

"The crappy non-Japanese RPG worlds, that’s what!" Mork said. "Besides, it has people from the planet Ork!"

"Mork from the planet Ork," Rei said simply, as if it were a joke upon itself.

"Oh well," Teepo said, as if he were to ditch Mork as soon as possible. "Drop us a postcard from a million light years from here. And send us a copy of the role-playing game!" Teepo then snickered to himself. "And we’ll burn it, too! Damn sci-fi goth freaks!"

"I never liked American role-playing games," Bill Gates said. "Too much of this goth-and-blood crap."

"Ever play Leisure Suit Larry?" Rei asked.

"Definitely heard of it,"

"In my opinion, it’s the Great American RPG!"

"Yeah right. At least it beats Ultima and Betrayal at Krondor."

The owner of the Roswell Motel 6 walked outside.

"Welcome! It’s a pleasure to have fresh blood nowadays..." the owner greeted, in a Dracula-like voice. "We have... showers and toilets in every room!" he continued, laughing hysterically. Crashes of thunder were heard and a lightning bolt fell in the distance.

A cranky woman’s voice was also heard from the distance. "Hey! Where’s my dress!?"

"Coming, mother!" the Motel 6 owner replied. He grabbed a dress and girdle and ran to the mansion in the distance.

The four merely stared at each other in shock.

* * * * *

The four were leaving Roswell via the Geo, and entered some forested land.

"Luckily, we got a bunch of fireworks from that pawn shop," Rei said. "Now that’s four down, and four more to go. Now it’s gonna be Momo who’s gonna be the loser for once! WOOHOO!"

"Yeah, but we could fight Alys Brangwin ten times along the way," Ryu commented, knowing the Hunter’s determination.

"What I would do?" Teepo responded. "We can call up Washington D.C., get diplomatic immunity, and kick their ass!"

"In your dreams," Ryu said, angrily.

"Well, we’ll never get out of the woods until we think of some situation!" Teepo yelled. "With Rei’s moronic planning, your lack of leadership, and Bill’s troubles with the Justice Department, it’s up to me to bail your asses out!"

"I have one statement," Ryu said.


"You’re almost talking like Cid and Barret at the same time," Ryu commented, risking the fact that Teepo would dump his anger all over Ryu’s face.

"Syd Barrett," Rei blurted, laughing.

"What about Cid and Barret?" Teepo responded.

"The LSD-addicted early Pink Floyd guy!" Rei said.

Frustration filled Teepo’s face. "And you’ve never heard of Jethro Tull or Alan Parsons. Goddamn hypocrite!"

The car stopped at the train station.

"Why did you stop?" Rei said to Ryu.

"We need a quick way to get to Green Bay," Ryu said. "And people will eventually hunt down this Geo."

"Yeah, there’s no gettin’ off the train we haven’t gotten on," Rei stated, as if he didn’t understand what he said.

"Uh... yeah," Ryu responded. He headed toward the back of the train depot.

"Where are you going?" Rei asked.

"I’m gonna drain the dragon," Ryu responded. "Hell, I never had the urge to tinkle so hard in my life!"

"Yeah, me too," Teepo said, as he followed Ryu.


In fact, all four of them entered the depot bathroom. There were two busted stalls and five urinals. Ryu and Teepo took the stalls on the left while Bill and Rei took the stalls on the right. The center stall remained vacant.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" Ryu sighed, feeling relieved as he finished his business with the urinal.

"It just doesn’t get much better than this!" Rei commented.

"Yeah. I had a good feeling!" Teepo responded.

Suddenly, a strange-looking man in a black cape and long white hair took the stall in the middle. The four stared at him in awe for five whole seconds before they spoke.

"Sephiroth!" Bill Gates yelled. He blurted out a bunch of excuses. "It’s too early! My offspring isn’t even an adult! I don’t have a son named Rufus! I don’t own Mako power!"

"Sephiroth" gave a creepy glance toward Rei and Bill, then slowly turned his head toward Ryu and Teepo. "Hey, I thought the agency said that I was doing the job alone!"

"Huh?" Ryu asked. This turned all too weird for him. "You mean that you’re not Sephiroth?"

"No, just a clone." the phony Sephiroth said. "And who might you be?"

"I am Ryu, Prince of the Brood, and these are Rei, Teepo, and-"

"What I mean is, what are your real names?"

"I am Moe. This is Larry," Ryu said, pointing to Teepo. "And the Rei guy is Curly and the Bill Gates impersonator is Jerry."

"Jerry, huh? Becoming like Springer? Lewis? Seinfeld?"

"Yeah, I always want to have all the power," Bill Gates commented, chuckling at his own answer.

"Well, I’m also Jerry," the Sephiroth clone said.

"Cool!" Teepo concurred.

"Okay, here’s the deal here," he continued. "No sharing tips. It’s every man for himself. You got that?"

"Right on," Ryu agreed. The other three nodded in agreement.

"Okay. The train’ll be here in five minutes. Now don’t go changing into Wedge and Vicks on me, okay?"

"Okay, fine," Ryu said. At the sound of the diesel train whistle, the group was about to leave.

Rei looked down at his groin. "Hey, guys... About that sticky tape..."

In shame, Teepo put his hand on his face. "Ohhh man..."

Everyone but Ryu and Rei left. Ryu punched a comment at Rei. "Looks like everyone except you are out of the woods, Curly!"


The five entered the train without any problem. They walked up to the Minnesota Vikings cars in single file. The Sephiroth clone entered first.

"Yay! Sephy! Aeris-killer!" the crowd yelled, cheering on the devil-man of the seventh Final Fantasy.

Ryu, Rei, Teepo, and Bill all entered the car, following the Sephiroth clone.

"Boooooo! Booooo!" "Your winged wife is a minion of Yuffie!" "It’s no coincidence that you have the same name as the impeached President!" Pieces of pretzels and M&Ms rained on the four as an act of protest. The Minnesota Vikings football team continued their taunts.

The group helped themselves to the juice boxes and snacks on board. Ryu was talking to Cris Carter, part of the Vikings’ offense.

"Ever played anything on Nintendo?" Ryu asked.

"No! I’m endorsed to play only Playstation games (no, not really)!" Cris said.

"Including Breath of Fire?" Ryu asked.

A cheerleader overheard the conversation. "Breath of Fire!? That idiotic game with those freaks of nature!? I’ll bet that the real Ryu can’t even HOLD a sword! And the story’s an X-Files Chris Carter reject!"

Ryu squeezed the box of juice he was holding. "Owww! I can’t hold swords anymore! It’s that muscle relapse!" Juice flowed all over Cris’s group, as they became increasingly irritated. "Guess I’ll go back to Garr and revise that story." he finished.

Teepo kicked Cris in the rear. "And put an ‘h’ in your name, you purple-helmeted goon!"


The train made its next stop a little while later, around South Dakota. After having their fun, Teepo peered out the window.

Teepo noticed a very similar-looking boomerang-holding girl and her similar-looking companions.

"Ryu, I don’t think we’re gonna make it to South Dakota."

Ryu also looked out the window. "Yeah. Let’s find Rei and Bill and get off this train we’re on."

The four soon rendezvous at the Vikings’ train car.

"Look, I think Alys won’t rest until she kills us," Teepo said.

"I think it’s because she wears Lees Dungarees under her armor," Rei commented, as Alys boarded the train, taking several strides. "You can’t bust ‘em!"

"Not now," Bill said, as he ran off toward the caboose. "We’ve gotta get to the end of the train and jump off!"

The Breath of Fire threesome followed Bill.

The group all made it to the end of the train, after a quick run from the Phantasy Star team’s efficient searching.

The group stared outside. "Hey, Bill, you sure about jumping out like this?" Rei asked, as he stared at the moving waves of snow.

"C’mon!" Bill yelled. "It’s your life!"

"And your seventy billion dollars of Microsoft stock," Rei said.


"Oh, nothing. Just give us the count." Rei looked at the caboose window, and saw Alys about to enter the caboose.

Ryu, Rei, and Bill stood in front, ready to jump in the snow. Bill began the count. "Okay, one, two..."

Before Bill could say "three", Teepo booted Bill in the rear, which tilted him toward Ryu and Rei, and knocked all three of them off the train. They fell off, resulting in a stop, drop, and roll in the snow.

Teepo admonished his footwork on the situation. "YES! THAT FELT GOOD!" he yelled. He turned his head toward Alys, who was about to enter Teepo’s side of the caboose.

"One two three," he quickly said, and jumped off the train, barely missing Alys’s death grip.


Ryu, Rei, and Bill all picked themselves up off the snow. Rei stared at the endless snow.

"Teepo!" Ryu called.

"Teepo!" Rei yelled. "Teepo, get over here, you miserable excuse for ex-Buffalo Bill Scott Norwood!"

"Shut up, Rei," Bill said.

Teepo also picked himself up about two hundred yards from the others’ landing position. "Rei! All accounted for, dude!"

"I have more than snow up my ass, you know!" Rei responded.

"Well, it beats Alys, don’t it?" Teepo yelled, as he ran toward Ryu, Rei, and Bill.

"You’re safe..." Rei yelled. "...for now!"


The next day, the group walked along the railroad tracks in hopes of reaching Green Bay as soon as possible. They reached a nearby North Dakota city after about two hours of walking.

Ryu spotted a pay phone close to a Budget Rent-A-Car. "Hey, I’m gonna make that phone call to Nina."

Rei stared at Ryu. "Don’t, dude!"

"I’m not gonna use 1-800-COLLECT!"

"Not that!" Rei shouted. "Maybe they will trace the call!"

* * * * *

Nina answered the phone from her bed and placed it in speaker mode. "Ryu! Is that you...?"


"Exactly where in Ladon are you? It’s 11:25 PM!"

"Somewhere in North or South Dakota!"

"There!? It’s already a day after Christmas! It’s already nearing the 27th!"

"D’OH!" Ryu just found out that the time of giving had long passed by. "Forget it. Anyway, it’s only four days ‘till Momo gets her stuff!"

Momo woke up. "Who’s that?"

"I don’t know, but you’re gonna get your theory on Rei all wrong!" Nina lied, though there still is a chance that Momo might get her gifts pretty darn soon.

"Tell Rei that I’ve got my bazooka all ready," Momo threatened.

Nina spoke in the receiver. "Tell Rei that Momo has her bazooka ready."

Ryu turned toward Teepo. "Tell Rei that Momo has her bazooka ready."

Teepo walked up to Bill. "Tell Rei that Momo has her bazooka ready."

Bill then turned around toward Rei. "Tell Rei that Momo has her bazooka already."

Rei quickly spoke to himself. "Hey Rei, Momo’s gonna kick your ass with that illegal terrorist weaponry!"


The Pentagon, Washington D.C.

General Public looked up at the map of the United States. It made a bunch of bloops and bleeps, scanning the precise location of Ryu’s phone call.

"We have a live one at North Dakota!" the general spat in the phone.

Alys looked in the phone. "You sure about that?"

"Are you saying that you need reinforcements?"

"NO WAY!" Alys yelled, showing her superiority. "As a Super Galactic Hunter Extraordinare Of All That Is Good In The Universe, you... yes, YOU, cannot take that risk! But bring a bit of backup, I suppose..."


Back to the story...

The four entered the Budget Rent-A-Car facility. Rei didn’t hesitate to speak to the two customer service agents.

"Hey, we need a car," Rei said. "We’ve got checks and credit cards. Besides, we’re the destined children of the Breath of Fire world!"

"Breath of Fire?" the second agent said. "Your world rocked! And the fact that you kick Myria’s ass nine ways to Tuesday..." The first agent gestured as if he had something very important to say.

"Okay. Seeing that you don’t have Anybank Visa, just show me some ID!" the rep responded, giving a very defiant glare.

"Oh, yeah," Rei yelled. He whipped out his driver’s license, countering the cliched idea of the Visa commercials. "I have my DRIVER’S LICENCE! BOO-YEAH! Nailed ya! You caaaan’t get me!" He kept on dancing around the place, celebrating his "victory" over the customer service rep.

The rep sighed, and scanned Rei’s driver’s license.

"How did you get one, Rei?" Teepo asked.

"I snuck into the Department of Motor Vehicles in California several months ago and got my license!"

"How!?" Teepo yelled.

"During the driving test, I drove the car through a bunch of traffic cones, while telling a ton of jokes about Momo," Rei answered. "The driving instructor never noticed that I hit 303 traffic cones, smashed into nineteen cars, passed three red lights, and squashed Wedge and Biggs."

"You bastard!" Teepo pouted.

The rep soon returned Rei’s license. "We have only two cars, the Lexus or the Hyundai."

"We’ll take the Lexus," Teepo said in a no-nonsense voice.


Rei started the Lexus. He tried out every gadget and gizmo and do-hickey in the vehicle. Various alarms and signals were heard all around as Rei hit every button and flipped every switch.

"Hey, do you know how do drive the damn thing?" Ryu asked.

"Yeah, but I haven’t driven myself lately..." Rei couldn’t finish due to the stereo’s 24-hour-MMMBop music. Rei then put the car into drive.

He drove, stopped, drove, stopped, all in sudden three-second intervals.

"Rei, can you please let a more experienced driver drive?" Teepo shouted, amidst all the MMMBop confusion.

Rei started toward the exit. "It’s like riding a bicycle!" Unfortunately for the car, it ran through the opposite direction of the spiked entrance, and it punctured all four tires. The next second, Rei was driving on all four flats.

Ryu stared at the odd event. "Now doesn’t that just beat all, Rei?"

* * * * *

Rei finally left the Budget Rent-A-Car parking lot, and is now on the road. After much persuading, he was able to get the Hyundai, and drive it along the interstate highway to Green Bay. Rei was humming to Metallica’s "Fuel" on the radio while Teepo tried to sleep.

Rei looked at Teepo’s condition. "You know, sleeping is a form of depression, Teep."

"If you don’t stop humming, I’ll put a depression in your skull!" Teepo kvetched, struggling to sleep.

Rei remembered something. "How about the ‘Feliz Navidad’ CD?" It was a great idea to try out one of the pilfered compact discs; after all, this was the first car (besides Bill’s limo) that had a CD player.

"Okay, why not?" Teepo said sardonically. "Beats Metallica any day."

Rei popped the CD inside and hit the play button. The CD player started to load, and began to play the insidious tune. The group hummed along as the never-ending, belated piece of Christmas music blared through the stereo.

Hours passed as the group started their last legs of their trip.

"Hey, aren’t we at Green Bay yet?" Ryu asked.

"Why?" Rei responded, as he passed a bunch of trucks that read "Titletown, U.S.A.".

"Oh, nothing," Ryu said, as he found that every restaurant the Hyundai passed read either "Packers" or "Starbucks".

"Let’s stop," Rei said. "I need a cup of java!"

Bill cringed at the thought. "Too much caffeine, I guess," Ryu commented.

Rei entered the nearest "Long John Silvers", and quickly took a parking spot closest to the exit.

"Hey, bring something for me, too, dude!" Ryu yelled.

"I’ve only got a bunch of pennies and that half dollar!"

"Can’t you use that sticky tape in a charity jar or something?"

"If it’s ‘Jerry’s Kids’, I’ll do it," Rei said at he exited the car, stranding the three in the Hyundai.


Five minutes later, Rei came out of "Long John Silvers" with the coffee he ordered.

"Hey Rei, get anything for us?" Bill asked.

"Uh, no," Rei responded, as he got into the car.

"Cheesehead," Teepo teased. "I’ll bet you got lard with that coffee, too."

"Of course not," Rei said. "But you can lick the lid if you want." He took the lid off and almost waved it around Teepo in a teasing fashion.

"Gimmee that!" Teepo yelled, snagging the lid. He took a quick lick. "Decaf!? You’re a wuss." He chucked the lid at Rei.

Teepo then got out of the car. "I’m gonna use the bathroom again. Maybe it has to do with the coffee or something."

"Okay, suit yourself!" Rei said, as he started to take a sip of the coffee.


Bill Gates looked outside. He saw three black cars zoom swiftly, single file into the entrance of the restaurant.

Bill turned toward Rei. "I think that’s for us, Rei. Their license plates read U.S.-"

Due to the swiftness of the people inside the car, Bill couldn’t finish.

One of the agents walked up to the window and gestured Rei to open the window. Rei concurred.

The agent rose his wallet, showing that he was an FBI agent. "Excuse me, this is the FBI."

Rei could only gape and sit there in dead silence.

The agent continued. "We have reason to believe that your life is in danger, so might you get out of the car..."

Rei stared at him. Maybe he is a minion of Alys. They’re everywhere! With no other alternative, he instinctively tossed the scalding cup of coffee toward the agent’s crotch.

Dazed and burnt, the agent lurched back as Rei slammed the Hyundai into reverse, crashing into the rear of the U.S. Government car. Rei then placed the car on drive and zoomed toward the restrooms. As he reached the restrooms, Teepo got out of them and merrily walked, thinking nothing had happened.

"Get in the car," Rei commanded.

"What’s the big rush?" Teepo responded, as he hopped in the car.

"One word: Alys." Rei then zoomed the car right through the leg of the Long John Silvers statue, which toppled and fell right on one of the cars. It left the passengers unhurt, but the car was unable to continue.

Teepo looked back at the mess. "Wait a minute... that restaurant... It’s ‘Starbucks Coffee!"

"Yeah, it could be a conspiracy with the government," Ryu said, simply.


There was a massive car chase as Rei zoomed past heavy traffic, taking a left here, taking a right there.

"Toward the stadium!" Ryu yelled, as Rei shifted the car over one hundred miles per hour, crashing through a bunch of mailboxes and a drive-in speaker at a nearby Starbucks Coffee shop. The car struck a dirt bump and sailed over the next intersection. Fortunately, the intersection was totally empty.

"Nice going, Mario!" Teepo yelled. Rei could only gape at his comment as he fought for control of the car.

The vehicle sped toward the huge stadium in the center of the city. Hundreds of cars were in the road perpendicular to the Hyundai’s, but the Hyundai couldn’t stop.

Rei still tried to slam on both the brakes and parking brakes. It was sufficient enough to stop the car in the middle of the intersection.

Shaken from the driving, the four got out of the vehicle. Their intervention at the intersection caused a ton of fender-benders and backed-up traffic for many miles.

"Not since the days of Balio and Sunder!" Ryu yelled, as the four ran toward the large stadium. The half-dozen FBI cars also stopped at the intersection, blocking traffic.


The four entered the stadium, and ran downstairs toward a bunch of locker rooms, crashing through dozens of surprised people, and knocking some of them down like bowling pins.

Ryu, Rei, Teepo, and Bill stared around the mess of uniforms in the locker room. Rei cheered as he grabbed one of the uniforms.

"Yes! It’s a Green Bay Packers jersey!" Rei cheered. "It says ‘Brooks’. Wonder if that’s any good?"

Teepo ran out wearing one of the uniforms. "Hey, I’m Dorsey Levens!" he yelled, fooling around with the helmet.

"Put your hair in the uniform! We don’t want no girly-men playing football!" Ryu teased, as he took out a uniform that read "Favre". Teepo quickly tucked his lavender hair under the uniform.

Bill Gates jumped into one of the lockers as the group heard a sound. Rei tossed on his uniform.

"Maybe these could make adequate disguises for now," Ryu told. He turned to the man who just entered. "Hey, Mike Holmgren."

"Guys? I thought that you were stuck in the traffic jam! You’re out there in five minutes!" Before the Green Bay Packers coach could continue, the three ran outside to Lambeau Field.

At about the same time, Bill Gates fell out of the locker he was hiding in. "Ouch."

"What’s the meaning of this?" the coach said.

"Uh... can I have your autograph?" Bill replied, sticking out a pencil and a piece of paper from his hands.


The crowd at Lambeau Field was noisy as ever; these weekly football games were about their only form of entertainment. After all, the Packers are owned by thousands of people, and they live in a small town of about one hundred thousand - a lot smaller than most cities across the country.

Rei, who was in Brooks’s uniform, ran out to the field to receive. He grabbed the ball near the goal line, and ran it to around the twenty-five yard line, where he got pounded by the Minnesota Vikings defense.

Ryu and Teepo stared at one another as they walked on the field.

"Okay, I’ll quick dish the ball to you, and you boot everyone who tackles you in the rear. If these purple-helmeted goons are against our world, they must be enemies." Ryu said.

"Logically speaking," Teepo replied.

The team got set up, and was ready to play the first down. Ryu, playing as Favre, received the ball, and chucked it to Teepo, who plowed through a bunch of defenders. Ryu and part of the Packers offense knocked away a couple of people about to upend Teepo. He ran through the gap, spinning and dodging to avoid the remaining tacklers. He zoomed by easily and made the first touchdown.

"IN YOUR FACE!" Teepo yelled in one of the Viking’s faces.

In a fit of celebration, Teepo punted the football from his side of the field to the other, as the Packers crowd cheered in awe.

"Excellent!" Ryu yelled, as he and Rei hugged Teepo.

* * * * *

Several minutes later, Ryu and the Packers got the ball back. He walked on the field with the remainder of the Packers offense.

The Vikings called a blitz, and were charging toward Ryu.

Ryu had the ball, and tossed it forward to Teepo. Teepo then faked left, right, then another left, avoiding the wrath of two safeties. Teepo spun around, and lateraled to Rei. Rei then hopped over two guys, but couldn’t go anywhere, as a group of tacklers were about to knock his socks off. Rei whimpered, then hurled the ball back to Ryu.

Ryu had the ball, and tossed it forward to Teepo. Teepo then faked left, right, then another left, avoiding the wrath of two safeties. Teepo spun around, and lateraled to Rei. Rei then hopped over two guys, but couldn’t go anywhere, as a group of tacklers were about to knock his socks off. Rei whimpered, then hurled the ball back to Ryu.

Ryu had the ball, and tossed it forward to Teepo. Teepo then faked left, right, then another left, avoiding the wrath of two safeties. Teepo spun around, and lateraled to Rei. Rei then hopped over two guys, but couldn’t go anywhere, as a group of tacklers were about to knock his socks off. Rei whimpered, then hurled the ball back to Ryu.

Two wide receivers saw the whole mess as Ryu received the ball again.

One of them noticed how the whole mess was recurring. "WILL SOMEONE PLEASE PASS THE GODDAMN BALL!?"

The next second, the ball hit him square on the head, knocking him down. Sighing, the ref signaled incomplete.

The next down, Ryu received the ball again. He hurled it in a Hail Mary fashion, which Rei caught easily, scoring the Packers’ second touchdown.

"Woohoo! Won’t the people of NFL Blitz be surprised!" Ryu yelled.

Suddenly, two hands grabbed him. Ryu turned around, expecting an autograph. "Alys! It’s too early! There’s still 9:03 left in the first quarter!"

"So you thought that you could hide out in green country, playing on the frozen tundra of hell? You are probably a grade-A moron that flunked the Great Ideas classes three times!"

"That’s Rei," Ryu said simply.

"But I’ll show you who’s boss!" She then turned the tiny microphone in her shirt on as her picture was on in the Jumbo-tron. Whipping out her custom FBI badge, she started.

"I am Super Intergalactic Hunter Extraordinare Alys Brangwin! This moron is wanted by the FBI!" she yelled. "He’s an IMPOSTER!"

The crowd did not want their star player being taunted by some idiotic agent. They then expressed their gratitude toward Alys. Literally, tons of M&Ms, pieces of popcorn, half-eaten hot dogs, half-filled fountain drinks, beer cans, snowballs, and even crumpled-up pieces of paper littered the 20-yard line where the two stood. One disgruntled Packers fan even hit Alys in the head with a box of Flutie Flakes.

Dozens of FBI agents ran in, holding the refs and policemen back as they went in to investigate the Packers team.

Rei and Teepo were at the water table, where Bobby Boucher was filling a bunch of tiny watercups with his high quality dihydrogen monoxide.

"Okay, Levens and Brooks, here’s some high-quality H2O," Bobby said in an unstable, nerdy voice, handing two cups of water to the two.

Rei gulped some of the water. When he noticed the FBI agents, he quickly spat the water, spraying it all over Teepo’s face.

"Uh oh, the FBI found us!" Rei shouted, as water dripped down Teepo’s "borrowed" helmet.

"That’s no reason to spit at me, you Woren moron!" Teepo shouted. He booted Rei in the rear so hard that he landed in the pile of trash near Ryu and Alys. The impact knocked off Rei’s helmet.


At the same time, the three actual Packers - Favre, Levens, and Brooks - entered the stadium with the identical uniforms as Ryu, Rei, and Teepo.

"Hey, is this some kinda endorsement for Chunky Soup?" Favre asked Teepo, who was running toward Ryu and Rei.

"I don’t think so," Bobby said, as he handed the three cups of water to the players. "Want some high quality H2O, made by good old me?"

"Uh, yeah," Favre said, taking the three cups and walking toward the mess.

Ryu and Teepo were back to their normal clothing - Ryu’s jacket and weird pants, and Teepo’s Curly Fleece and loose jeans. Rei was still in his uniform, hesitant to give it away. The crowd was still quite noisy, especially with the fact that Ryu, Rei, and Teepo were really impostors. In fact, there was even more garbage in the football field from the disgruntled fans. The number of Flutie Flakes boxes on the ground reached about half a dozen.

"Hey, Rei, give it up!" Ryu shouted. "They did say that they’ll release us if you just return the uniform!"

"No way!" Rei responded. "Besides, I wonder how many boxes of Flutie Flakes will hit the ground?"

"It’s too bad you’re not in Buffalo!" one of the agents replied, as he readied the megaphone.

The agent then spoke into the megaphone to the crowd. "Okay, we’ve got the fakes! Now we’re gonna toss them in something nasty, and it isn’t a ‘fake king’ RPG subplot!"

"Yeah, but can I have my last words with the audience?" Rei asked.

"Fine," the FBI agent responded, handing the megaphone to Rei.

Rei then shouted into the microphone. "Hey, Bobby Boucher, your water sucks! Gatorade is the drink of the NFL!"

That shot Bobby’s anger nine ways to an Omnislash Limit Break. "AAAAARGH!" He charged into the group of FBI agents and Phantasy Star teammates in full tilt.

"Duck!" Rei yelled. Ryu and Teepo concurred, and laid prone on the ground. Bobby Boucher’s wrath fled into the crowd of agents, and knocked them down faster than a quarterback squashed by half a dozen defensive backs.

Ryu looked at the mess as Favre, Levens, and Brooks started to finish the job the government agents couldn’t finish. "Hey, now what?"

"We get sacked by the quarterback," Rei said simply. "Ironic, isn’t it?" Just then, there was a loud crash at the service exit near the goalpost of Ryu’s side.

The people stared in awe at the huge machine that entered Lambeau Field.

"Hold that thought!" the loudspeaker on the machine exclaimed.

"Dude, it’s Bill Gates!" Ryu yelled. "And he’s in a cheesemobile!"

"Cheesemobile!?" Rei and Teepo repeated.

The cheesemobile ran right through the crowd of disparaging FBI agents, stopping just short of Ryu, Rei, and Teepo. The charging Packers stopped short of the convoluted mess. Favre dropped his cups of water splashing the liquid all over himself.

Ryu, Rei, and Teepo then hopped into the cheesemobile with absolutely no delay.

"Bill Gates!" Ryu yelled inside the vehicle. "Just what in Ladon are you doing inside the belly of a steel dairy product?"

"The ‘Bribe’ ability, of course!" Bill Gates yelled, as he struggled to regain control of the cheesemobile.

The cheesemobile ran into a bunch of Gatorade buckets, splashing both water and Gatorade all over the Minnesota Vikings. After traveling toward the end of the opposite side of the football field, it spun a full 180-degree spin, and charged forward toward the FBI once again. A torrential rain of candy, paper, snowballs, and the occasional Flutie Flakes box rained down on the almighty cheese.

Rei opened the sunroof on the cheesemobile. A box of Flutie Flakes and an empty Gatorade cooler fell inside. Plus some beer cans and bits of popcorn and candy.

"Close the roof!" Teepo snarled, as if he were Rei’s father. "You know better than to open the roof while it’s raining outside!"

"Yeah, there’s a hail of Gatorade coolers and Flutie Flakes boxes out there," Rei said, closing the door.

After making its exit back where it made its grand entrance, the cheesemobile started to zoom toward through roadblocks.

"Roadblocks!?" Ryu yelled. "Goddamn Onett!"

But the roadblocks were not the group’s only problem. The FBI, the Green Bay Packers, the Minnesota Vikings, Chaz, Rune, Hahn, and worst of all, Alys were all pursuing the cheeseheads in the cheesemobile.

"Oh, great, what now?" Ryu asked.

He didn’t need an answer. Rei and Teepo picked up small trays of nachos and cheese and chucked them at the angry mob. Ryu joined in, and the three were hurling all the goods from the vehicle at the crowd, splatting some of them in the face, tripping others, and causing havoc.

By the time the chasing was over, the vehicle was zooming toward the "parked" Hyundai.

"Yes, cheddar really DOES makes everything better," Ryu commented, as he saw the last of the FBI agents trip over or stop from the nacho snacks.

"Cheddar... But we’re out of cheddar!" Rei said, as he searched the shelves for any projectiles.

Teepo stared outside. "Oh, no, it’s Alys again!"

"Doesn’t that just beat all..." Rei sighed.

"Get this thing faster!" Ryu yelled, as he searched his bags for something to throw.

"I can’t! This thing was designed from a Yugo!" Bill Gates yelled.

They heard a deep voice in their heads as Alys and the rest of her Phantasy Star team charged into them. "GOT MILK?"

Rei grabbed the Gatorade cooler, and without hesitation, chucked it at Alys. However, Alys ducked the blow, and continued her mad rush toward the cheesemobile.

"Dude, you missed!" Ryu yelled.

Rei looked for what he hit. "Oh my God, I knocked out Chaz!" Chaz was walking in circles with his head and shoulders covered in the Gatorade cooler.

Alys shouted as she reached for the cheesemobile. "That cooler of yours is such a pain in the butt!"

"Then take THIS!" Teepo shouted, as he chucked a box of Flutie Flakes at point blank range in Alys’s face. She took the hit, and fell to the ground.

"Nooo!" Rei yelled. "That was the only box!"

"It’s either that or the plutonium! And what would Momo say about that!"

"Doesn’t that just beat all?" Rei complained. "I want my Flutie Flakes!"

* * * * *

The group finally made it to the Hyundai, and was zooming off eastward. The tune "Feliz Navidad" continued blaring in the stereo, practically endlessly. They continued for almost eight hours, attempting to make as much time as possible.

"Hey Rei," Ryu asked. "This ‘Feliz Navidad’ tune is starting to get on my nerves!"

Rei, back to his normal clothing after removing his football gear and Packers jersey, tried all the buttons on the CD player. "Hey, this song is stuck! I can’t turn the damn thing off!"

"Then stop and we’ll give it a thumping!" Teepo bellowed, slamming his fist in his hand.

A couple of minutes later, Rei stopped the car at a small service station. Ryu and Teepo exited the car and drew their swords.

"Find the CD player before I go into the madness!" Teepo shouted, as he opened the hood of the car.

"Hey, I’m gonna get a light snack," Rei said nonchalantly. Without a glance or much of any hesitation, he quickly ran to the restaurant. The two Dragon clansmen were hammering away at the vehicle with their swords.


Rei ran inside. The place was practically deserted, save the cashier.

"What’cha got?" Rei asked the cashier.

"Our special is the ‘Knockwurst Nightmare’, one hundred miles of flame-broiled, seasoned intestines and sausages that’s enough to make even a redneck faint," the cashier droned. "No one has ever finished the nightmare."

Rei smiled. "Okay, I’ll take two."

"There aren’t enough pigs in the country for two," the cashier stated.

"Well, one, I guess. And add a bag of fries."


Rei received his order a couple of minutes later, and started to suck up the lengthy sausages and intestines of the "Knockwurst Nightmare". Halfway through the meal, Ryu, Rei, and Bill ran in the diner.

"Hey, Rei, I think we have a problem here," Ryu said.


"Well, we got rid of the ‘Feliz Navidad’ crap." Teepo said. "But..."

"But what?" Rei asked, still absorbed by the meal.

"But we demolished the Hyundai!" Teepo pointed out the window, revealing the dragons’ handiwork. The car was practically in little pieces, yet the CD player remained intact. As Teepo pointed out the window, though, the "Feliz Navidad" CD ejected out of the busted CD player and rolled on the road like a tossed coin.

"And were stranded in the middle of nowhere!" Ryu added, almost sobbing.

Rei also looked outside. "Well, that, huh?" Rei took a last bite of the Knockwurst Nightmare. "Okay, I’m done!" he concluded, peering at his empty plate.


Suddenly, bells and whistles sounded, as if Rei had won the big one. The cashier walked up to them.

"Congratulations. You have won the Knockwurst Nightmare game show," he said, in a matter-of-fact tone. "And here are your prizes."

He whipped out a box of "Rice-A-Roni". "Rice-A-Roni. The San Francisco Treat."

The cashier then drew a medium-sized box that read "Your Knockwurst Nightmare". "A copy of our home game."

And finally, he pointed to a large vehicle on the ceiling. "Plus, the grand prize: A Spammobile!"

The group could only look up at the vehicle in great awe. "Cool!" Soon enough, the group got the Spammobile outside.

As the group entered the vehicle, they stared at the service station. Ryu pointed at a crane that was lifting a very familiar sign. "Hey, isn’t that changing into Starbucks Coffee?"

"They’re everywhere! I tell you, they’re gonna revise the Java language, and nuke Microsoft!" Bill Gates complained.


Back on the road, the group could continue their mission thanks to the almighty Spam. The Spammobile looked little more than a diesel-powered bus-like can of Spam on wheels.

Ryu began the conversation in the new vehicle. "Okay, I thought of some words of wisdom."

"Like what?" Teepo asked.

"Ya know, the box of ‘Flutie Flakes’ gave me the idea." Ryu said. He cleared his throat, then began. "It doesn’t matter how good you are, or how skilled... how much fame you receive is totally random."

There was a three-second pause. "What the? Huh? Can I kill Andy Warhol?"

"Well, look at it!" Ryu added. "There’s the skilled Alan Parsons and the unskilled Spice Girls. The skilled Brett Favre and this unskilled... uh... Flutie?"

"Flutie’s actually good," Bill Gates said.

"But why does he get his own breakfast cereal while everyone else has to settle for temporary fame on Wheaties?" Teepo said.

"That’s a mystery." Bill Gates said.

"Though working for charity would be a factor. Of course, few others do, and they still get tons of fame..." Ryu added.

Teepo stared at his watch. "Hey, dude, do you know that today is New Year’s Eve?"

"It is?" Rei said. "Oh, great, how the hell do I get to Washington D.C.?"

"Try the ‘Extra Spamming’ button," Ryu responded, pointing to a large red button that read "Extra Spamming - Do not use in any website!"

Rei punched it. Suddenly, rockets appeared behind the Spammobile, and the machine started to kick in high gear. The rockets blared, sending the Spammobile up to near the speed of sound, with the group screaming and hanging on for dear life as they were thrusted straight to the nation’s capitol.


After the Spammobile came to a complete stop at Washington D.C., the group got out, totally shook.

"Man, was that a trip, or what?" Ryu said. "Even the teleporters can’t do this type of service!"

"Yeah, but we have only six hours to finish the job and get back to Times Square!" Rei yelled. "And if we could get a pen, how can we get a FAMAS G2 assault rifle?"

"I don’t know! Grab a copy of Metal Gear Solid or something!" Ryu stated.

"We’ll try the White House," Teepo stated, grabbing Ryu’s shoulder. "You two try to get that assault gun!"

Ryu and Teepo took a few steps, then Teepo thought of something. "And no spamming!"

"Uh, this isn’t the Internet," Bill stated, as Rei started the engine in the Spammobile.


Ryu and Teepo ran along the gates to the White House, where they saw a small amount of protesters. One of them held up a cardboard sign that read "WILL CONVICT CLINTON FOR FOOD".

Ryu ran up to the guy. "Say, isn’t there a way to get inside the White House?"

"Well, you could try to get on the next tour," the man replied. "Say, aren’t you Ryu and Teepo?"

"Well, y-"

Teepo placed a hand on Ryu’s mouth. "What he says is that we are, but we’re not really them. In other words, what he has to say, is that he doesn’t have anything to say. He’s just one of those grade-A morons."

The man thought for a second. "The ones who flunked Great Ideas college classes? Well anyway, the tour’s a block east of here. Can’t miss it."

Still covering Ryu’s mouth, Teepo started to leave, pushing Ryu in the man’s direction. "Thanks, Gorbachev, you’re a real pal!"


As the two Dragon clansmen reached one of the Sani-tours tours, Ryu spotted a group of people.

"Hey, it’s Alys again!" Ryu yelled.

"Shush! Not so loud!" Teepo responded, as he readied the sword in his scabbard. "Well, let’s blend in the crowd, why don’t we?"

"Fine by me," Ryu said simply.


Alys, still determined to bag Ryu, Rei, and Teepo after their trek across America, stared at the Sani-tours crowd.

She talked in the phone. "I just spotted those stupid dragons in the Sani-tours tour. Hey, Chaz, any available backup?"

"Well, we got Wedge and Biggs, but they refuse to continue this mission. Said something about dying yet again."

"Okay, Chaz, here’s the deal: They can tag along with me for 500 meseta. That’s their only offer... so they must take it or leave it."


"Yes! You think I work for peanuts and Frogger Playstation games?"

"You devil!"

One FBI agent ran to Alys. "The Spam have started to move."


"Sorry, bad case of Daravon. Anyway, a large Spam is leaving Washington!"

"Rush Limbaugh?"

"No, Rei Chiba!"

"Why didn’t you tell me!?"

"Sorry, but I did know that keeping information from you was only number six on the ‘dangerous things’ list."

"And you never knew the first five? MY senses?"

"Well, you never told me..."


Meanwhile, Rei and Bill were zooming off to the nearest video game shop.

"Dammit! I have only an American Express card!" Rei yelled, as he searched his pockets for something to buy Metal Gear Solid.

"That might suffice," Bill replied, knowing that using another credit card would be fairly iffy.

Rei took another look outside the window. "Hey, I think that..."

"Watch out for that police car!" Bill yelled, as the Spammobile continued speeding along the freeway of Washington D.C..

CRASH! The Spammobile practically crushed the cop car. Rei tried to restart the engine, but the Spammobile also took too much damage.

Bill got out and surveyed what they hit. "Oh my god, you killed Biggs and Wedge!"

"I’M A BASTARD!" Rei shouted, feeling totally ashamed of himself. He placed his hands over his face in total shame. "I SPAMMED them! AAAAARGH!" He fell to the ground, sobbing hysterically.


Ryu and Teepo continued the tour in the entrance of the White House.

The tour guide droned on. "This is the entrance of the White House. Just last year, Cait Sith and Sephiroth entered the White House for assistance in their eternal battle of communism on the Planet..."

"Final Fantasy 7!?" Ryu and Teepo yelled.

"It blows," Ryu yelled. "Sephiroth kills Aeris! How can you like any game for that depiction of moral decadence!"

"CALL HER AERITH OR I’LL RIP YOUR LUNGS OUT!" the tour guide yelled.

"Forget it," Teepo yelled, as he dragged Ryu out of the main lobby. "Besides, he’s the one who nearly killed himself with an M&M!"

Without much hesitation, Ryu and Teepo ran upstairs, and randomly found the Oval Office, after many questions to the supermodel-like interns.

"Well, that was easy," Teepo commented. "Too easy."

"What do you expect?" Ryu countered. "The government is full of grade-A morons!"

"That flunked-"

"Don’t make it a cliché, Teepo."

"Sorry." Teepo ran up to the President’s desk and searched it from top to bottom. "Hey, Ryu! See that they have those pens that they give away!"


"Those pens! Rei needs one in five hours!"

"Yeah," Ryu thought for a second as he grabbed a fencing sword. "Why not kick the desk, Teepo?"

There was a sound outside. "Probably FBI agents," Teepo said to himself. Instinctively, he then booted the desk at the door, barricading it.

Ryu noticed something on the floor after the impact of the desk with the door knocked something on the ground. "Hey, it’s probably one of those White House pens." He picked it up.

"Now what can we do about a FAMAS G2 Assault Rifle?" Teepo responded.

"Rei’s picking up the Metal Gear Solid game, if he didn’t abuse the spam."

"I’ll bet he demolished Yahoo and Geocities with it already."

"You know, I agree with that. Which reminds me, how do we get out of here?"

"Think Metal Gear Solid!" Teepo exclaimed. "Use a cardboard box!"

The shock of Teepo’s outlandish idea caused Ryu to hit some switch in the wall. Just then, the wall gave way, and Ryu fell in the secret exit.

"Or use a secret exit," Teepo responded, noting Ryu’s discovery of a way out of the Oval Office.

Teepo entered, closing the secret exit as the main entrance to the Oval Office broke down.


Ryu and Teepo ran through the narrow corridor of the secret exit, trying to get to Rei and Times Square as soon as possible.

A deep voice was heard. "Hold it right there!"

"Alys!" Ryu and Teepo yelled.

"No, it’s Chaz!" Chaz jumped down and pointed a strange-looking machine gun at the two.

"Where’s Alys?" Teepo asked. "And oh yeah, nice gun."

"It’s a FAMAS G2 assault rifle," Chaz commented. "And I think by now, Alys has bagged Rei and Bill!"

"What?" Ryu yelled.

"What... you rally think that I, a right-hand man of Alys, would kill my commander?"

"That’s what I predicted," Ryu commented.

"Well, anyway, we have you, and my orders are to toast you with this gun! In two seconds, you will be struck by thirty pieces of lead!" Chaz laughed hysterically, then continued. "So who’s it gonna be? The blue brother, or Mr. Purple?"

"NOBODY CALLS ME MR. PURPLE AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!" Teepo ranted. He then blasted Chaz in the groin with his almighty Teepo kick. Chaz keeled over, open for Ryu to sock Chaz in the face, peeling him out.

"Phish food," Teepo said simply, as he picked up the FAMAS G2 rifle and tossed it in his bag.

"Well, that’s all of them!" Ryu yelled. The two ran for the exit.

As the two made it to the end of the corridor, two people surrounded Ryu and Teepo.

"I knew that Chaz would &#*^! it up again!"

"Hahn? Rune?" Ryu and Teepo knew that it probably wasn’t Alys.

"No, it’s the one and only!" Alys shouted, as she stepped in front of the two. She raised her boomerang-blades in the air.

"Okay, we surrender!" Ryu and Teepo raised their hands in the air.

"It’s too late for surrender now!" Alys said, in a low, icy tone.

* * * * *

The two were bound and gagged and reunited with Rei and Bill Gates (not Clinton) as Alys drew her cell phone.

"Okay, we have all of them. What should we do next?"

"Kill them and take them to Area 51! That’s a direct order!"

Alys put the cellular phone down, and raised her boomerangs, ready to kill the four. "Okay, any last words?"

The group heard the loud voice of a woman. "Hey, think that you could wreck Rei’s New Year’s Resolution?"

"Nina!?" Alys shouted. She turned around, and noticed Nina on top of the largest tree in the White House lawn.

"Yes, it’s Nina! Nina, Warrior Princess, to be exact!" She jumped, touching down on Alys with a flying kick.

"Did she say Xena?" Bill Gates commented.

"No, just Nina." Ryu said. "But that same mistake did wreck a whole city."

Just then, Nina socked Alys three times in the head with her wand, knocking her out.

"Yeah, I know that you have many skills," Rune said, innocuously. He started to cast a magic spell...

..."Myollnir!" Nina fired off one of her spells, blasting Rune unconscious.

Hahn stared at the two. "Guess it’s my turn! And Alys won’t be asking me for the meseta she extorted!"

"Dork," Nina said, as she jump-kicked Hahn in the head, knocking him out.

"Anyone seen Chaz?" Nina asked, surveying the three Phantasy Star teammates. It was a supreme victory for her.

"Uh... I did give him the ultimate nad-kick," Teepo commented, as Nina untied the group.

"The nad kick, heh, heh," Rei responded, chuckling like Kefka.

"Uh... I hate to burst your bubble, Rei, but it’s already 8:00!" Teepo shouted. "And we have to get to Times Square in four hours!"

Bill glanced at Nina. "How did you get here, anyway? And how could you clobber them in only three seconds?"

"I did read that book on how to raise my consciousness and lower my golf scores," Nina responded, acting with high pride. "A couple of rounds with Focus will improve my attacking power to ass-kicking proportions."

"And you pulled a ‘Tiger’ like that?" Teepo said. "Where did you get that book, anyway?"

"The Hare Krishnas at the airport," Nina said.

"Dammit! I thought that it was Starbucks Coffee in Barnes and Noble," Bill said. He switched to the main subject in a flash. "By the way, how do we get to New York City?"

"Thanks to the book, I also know an innate power inside Wyndians," Nina responded. She focused, summoning all her energy inside of her. Not surprisingly, she morphed into a Great Bird in the span of about five seconds.

"Wyndians can’t do that!" Ryu yelled. "So, tell me, Nina... are you really a minion of Yuffie?"

"Will you quit reading the Guardian Amulet stories!?" Nina yelled. "So do you want to get to New York City or not?"

Ryu and the rest of the team could only agree. Teepo grabbed a megaphone from the unconscious Alys. "Spoils of war, dude."

Nina gave one last comment. "And Ryu, I have some better words of wisdom, besides the Flutie Flakes crap."

"Huh? How do you know about this? How do you know where to find us?" Ryu was practically bushwhacked at the mystery.

"Intuition," Nina responded, smiling. "Anyway, Rei, come here for a minute."

Rei did what Nina told him, and Nina, still in her Great Bird form, whispered something in his ear.

"That!?" Rei said.

"Yep. That’ll do it," Nina replied simply. She started her takeoff.

* * * * *

Momo paced back and forth at Times Square. It was December 31, 1998, 11:59 PM and twenty seconds. She was downing a bottle of Jack Daniels, sip by sip.

"Thirty-five seconds to go!" Momo yelled. "And Rei’s still not here!"

Momo counted every second on her watch, knowing her supreme victory against the Woren clansman. "Twenty... nineteen..."

Ten seconds passed, and the crowd started to count down. "Ten... nine... eight... seven..." Peco "weeep"ed every second that passed.

Before anyone could say "six", the New Years ball exploded. Confetti littered the place.

"A GREAT BIRD!?" Momo yelled. "Now doesn’t that just beat all!?!?!?"

Teepo shouted in the megaphone "Hey, guys! The lavender-haired freak is coming to town!"

At the words "lavender-haired freak", the whole crowd ran off, making a suitable landing place for the Great Bird.

The next second, the Great Bird landed right next to Momo, as the whole group fell off from impact.

"Yes! Two seconds to spare!" Rei yelled, as he jumped off and tackled Momo. "Happy New Year!... and belated Christmas, I suppose..."

"Now doesn’t THAT just beat all?" Teepo said, looking at Rei and Momo engage in a kiss. "Ryu landed on Dick Clark!"

"Huh?" Ryu responded, standing fast in a split second. He saw a knocked-out Dick Clark on the ground. "Supreme victory! Add one more for the Light Dragons!"

Nina reverted to her original self. "Well, all’s well that ends well?"

"Well, well!" Bill said. "That’s it. Happy 1999, dudes! Everything’s resolved!"

"Except Rei’s New Year’s Resolution..." Ryu said.

Rei broke from the kiss. "Well, my New Year’s Resolution is..."

"Yes?" Momo said, lost in thought.

Rei concluded, " to find out the following..." He procured a list.


Who’s behind Starbucks Coffee?

Why did Bill Gates do America with Ryu, Rei, and Teepo?

Will the Green Bay Packers reclaim the Vince Lombardi trophy?

Will Nina star in a Cosmo Canyon fanfic? Guardian Amulet 3? (yeah, right...)

Why is Alys the one with a vendetta against Breath of Fire 3?

Is Alys the future daughter of Aeris that went back in time?

That reminds me... Aeris or Aerith?

Will Clinton be removed from office?

Who built the cheesemobile at Green Bay?

Even better... who threw the Flutie Flakes boxes?

What’s in this stupid box that I got from "Java The Hutt" back in Los Angeles?

And finally, why is the title "My Fellow Dragnierians" when it starred me, Rei Chiba?


"That’s it?" Teepo asked.

Oh yeah, is Fred Delles insane enough for an actual sequel?

Well, the only way to figure this out is in...

My Fellow Dragnierians Part II: Brangwin Strikes Back!

THE END (for now...)

Designed, thought of, produced, scripted, and written by

Fred Delles


Ryu, Rei, Teepo, Momo, and Bill Gates as themselves

Nina Wyndia as Nina: Warrior Princess

Durandal as the Seinfeld clone

Peco as the ONION DUDE!

Honey as the chrysm bratwurst

Ted "Theodore" Logan as the Java Scripter

General Public as himself

Alys Brangwin as the Terminator T-1001

Rune as the Terminator T-999

Cris Carter as the fake X-Files creator / purple-helmeted goon

Brett Favre, Dorsey Levens, and Robert Brooks as the Green Bay Pack Attack

The former Frenchman in Monty Python and the Holy Grail as the Syn City Guard

Robin Williams as Mork

Chaz and Hahn as the Phantasy Star nerds

Special Thanks to:

Mieu Sedai, Mousse Chuan, Fritz Fraundorf, Mark Delles, Starbucks Coffee,

Microsoft Corporation, the Green Bay Packers, the people at Green Bay, Wisconsin,

Sani-tours Tourism, Aliens Anonymous: Roswell, New Mexico chapter

Based on the creations by

Capcom Co. Ltd and Sega of Japan, Ltd.

This is a work of fiction. Any person depicted in this fanfic is fictitious, and any resemblance to any actual person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Actual people in this fanfic are used for satirical purposes only and may not reflect the actual living character.

No, I don’t live in Green Bay or Roswell, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t write about them.

By the way, when I played Breath of Fire 3, Nina was always the fastest character, contrary to the beliefs that Rei was more agile. Maybe the trio can tackle this problem in the sequel.

(C) 1998 Fred Delles. All rights reserved. Unauthorized duplication, in whole or in part, is in violation of the Cosmo Canyon Beath Code, meaning that I can come over to your house and beat you with a rubber hose. No, really.

Oh yeah, Sani-tours Tourism and Aliens Anonymous doesn’t exist in this world, either.




The person who forgot to write in this space has hereby been sacked.





The person who forgot to write in this space has hereby been sacked, along with the person who was sacked from not writing in the last place, where they were sacked from several seconds ago.






The person who forgot to write in this space has hereby been sacked, along with the person who was sacked from not writing in the last place, plus the other person who was sacked for forgetting to write in the space before that, where he was sacked from several seconds ago, along with the other person who was sacked from forgetting to write in the space of that person who was sacked the last time who was... Oh, forget it.




That’s it. Now get outta here and watch for My Fellow Dragnierians 2!



Rei and Momo were back in Plant, chatting about their adventures together. He and Teepo were back in the treehouse near McNeil, and Nina and Ryu finally got to live together in the castle, as Ryu is a certified Prince of the Brood.

"Hey, Momo, how’s that FAMAS G2 Assault rifle?" Rei asked.

Momo was at Rei’s side, shooting a bunch of tin cans with the gun. "Well, it’s safe to say that I can kick Rudy Roughnut’s ass!"

"Hey, doesn’t that twerp look like Ryu?" Rei asked. Suddenly, the phone rang.

Momo picked it up and listened to the babbling on the other side.

"No, Rei is not responsible for the plutonium theft back at Area 51!" Momo yelled in the receiver. She slammed the phone down.

The phone rang again. Momo picked it up and listened.

"No, Rei was never in the Galleria at Phoenix!" Momo slammed the receiver.

Just then, the phone rang again. Momo picked up the receiver again.

"No, Rei is not interested in being a contestant in Your Knockwurst Nightmare!" Momo angrily said.

"Now where were we?" Momo asked, slamming the receiver on the phone. Just then, the phone rang once again.

Momo picked up the phone. "No, Rei is not interested in a contract offering by the Green Bay Packers!"

She then slammed the receiver as hard as possible. It suddenly rang yet again.

Momo picked up the phone. "No, Rei DID NOT do that to an intern!" She slammed the receiver.

The phone rang. Momo repeated her steps. "No, Rei has not driven a Hyundai lately!" Momo smashed the receiver so hard that it hurt both Momo’s and Rei’s ears.

The phone rang once more. "I swear, I’ll kill whoever calls this time!" Momo yelled.

She listened to the caller. "No, Rei’s not interested in a job offering at Microsoft!" Momo then slammed the phone harder than before.

Fortunately, there were no further calls. Momo slowly walked up to Rei. "Will you PLEASE tell me what these are all about?"

"Oh, nothing," Rei said, meekly. He then picked up the strange box from Java The Hutt. "What the heck’s in here, anyway?"

Momo snatched the box and opened it. Inside was a small note that read:

You have been stuck with the chain letter. You have thirty days to send this to 30 people. If you don’t, YOU WILL DIE! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Rei looked at the letter. "Doesn’t that just beat all... know what this means?"

Momo looked sadly at Rei. "What?"

Rei fell to tears. "There WILL be a sequel! None of this ‘happily ever after’ crap in the nineties! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

THE END (until MFD2, that is...)


Well, that's it. Any comments or suggestions for My Fellow Dragnierians 2 will be greatly appriciated. Do not flame me or I will blast you with the BFG 9000. E-mail me at

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