MYSTERY COSMO THEATER 3000
Episode 102: Servents of Darkness part 2
MSTed by: Fritz Fraundorf (Cait Sith),
James Gowdey (Neko),
Jeffrey Faden (Felix),
Original Story By: General Slaughter
Mystery Science Theater is copyright Best Brains, Inc. All
games and characters are copyright their respective developers.
Servents of Darkness is copyright General Slaughter. Since his
e-mail address isn't listed, we couldn't get his permission.
Oh well, it's his problem...
(Cue theme song)
In a way too overhyped game,
That was far from free
There was a cat named Cait
Pretty different from you or me
He had his own movie company
Just another director wanna-be
He did a good job providing comic relief
But Domino wanted him to turn over a new leaf
He'll send him cheesy fanfics
The worst he can find La La La
He'll have to sit and read them all
While they monitor his mind La La La
Now Cait can't stop the fanfics, so hear a
Cry for this all to end La La La
Because he used those summon materia
To call his cute animal friends
CUTE ANIMAL ROLL CALL!
(BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!)
(Wanna buy somethin'?)
(I'm the Master of War!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts La La La
Just repeat to yourself it's only an MST
I should really just relax...
FOR MYSTERY COSMO THEATER 3000!
(Cait Sith is watching -- what else? -- Sailor Moon)
NEKO: Hey, Cait, guess what?
CAIT SITH: You won 300 pounds of pure rhino dung in the Wisconsin
NEKO: Uh, no. Actually, today is cat day.
CAIT SITH: Every day is cat day!
NEKO: No, see, it's cat day here on Malduke.
CAIT SITH: Hey, can't you see I'm trying to watch TV? Luna might
NEKO: Hanpan was out doing some EMW promotion, Spekkio is sick,
and Mog never does anything to begin with, so Domino sent
us a visitor.
(Cait Sith head jerks to stare at Neko)
CAIT SITH: LUNA!?
NEKO: Sorry... it's actually a relative of yours.
(Neko steps to the side and Felix the cat steps into the room)
CAIT SITH: Felix!
FELIX: Cait Sith.
CAIT SITH: Neko, don't you know he was banished from the Esper
Dimension for smuggling ketchup?
FELIX: You should talk, you were banished TO the Esper Dimension
for stealing half the world's money!
CAIT SITH: Oh yeah? Yo' mama so fat she wore an X-Files t-shirt
and a helicopter tried to land on her!
FELIX: Yo' mama so fat I took a detour around her and ran out of
MAYOR DOMINO: (over intercom) Awww, such a touching reunion.
I've prepared a real beauty for you in honor of
CAIT SITH: Not the FF Tactics tutorial!
MAYOR DOMINO: No, since it's Cat Day, you get this instead...
General Slaughter's "Servents of Darkness part 2",
a Samurai Pizza Cats fanfic.
NEKO: Does anybody even watch that anymore?
MAYOR DOMINO: You will, in a moment.
(the alarm starts to sound)
CAIT SITH: OHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
(Door 6: There is a honk as they walk up to. Cait takes out
a keycard and the door opens)
(Door 5: It's the hype for Zelda 64. Try as they might, the
Cute Animal Characters can't force their way through it, until
Domino opens the door for them)
(Door 4: It's a phantom from Kartia. You walk right by it
and keep going)
(Door 3: A nifty FMV plays of Cait Sith walking through the
(Door 2: It's made out of cheap, imitation, Mythril. You
hack right through it)
(Door 1: It's one of the puzzles from De Le Metalica. Hanpan
opens some nearby chests in a random pattern and it opens)
(the three enter the theater and sit down)
NEKO: All right, guys, you're going to have to stop arguing if
we want to make it through this.
FELIX: Aw, it's just a fanfic, how bad can it be?
CAIT SITH: You have no idea...
> SERVENTS OF DARKNESS part 2
Cait Sith: Starring this fanfic as the Servant of Darkness.
Felix: No, stupid, this is about Servents of Darkness, not Servants.
> By General Slaughter
Felix: An appropriate title.
Neko: General Slaughter's 50 ways to turn YOUR fanfic into pure slaughter!
Cait Sith: I guess Sgt. Slaughter got a promotion.
Felix: Don't even start with that WWF shtick.
Neko: Yeah, leave that to Hanpan.
> Narrator:Last time Nexa and Bad Bird
Felix: Oh no! Big Bird's gone postal!
Cait Sith: What about Snuffelupagus?
Neko (singing): Come on down to Sesame Streeet..
> sent a tank like robot named Shockwave
> out to
Neko: ...buy him some muffins.
> destroy the city.Big surpirse.
Cait Sith: Huh? What's a surpirse?
Neko: It sounds Spanish.
> Even though the Samurai Pizza Cats
> destroyed Shockwave,
Felix (Samurai Pizza Cats): Sorry, Macromedia. It just had to be done.
> Nexa knocked them out and took them to the hidden Ninja
> Crow base.
Cait Sith: SQUAK! HIYAAA!!! SCRAAKH! SQUAAAAK!
Neko: (Narrator) And later in this fanfic, we'll be visiting the hidden
Samurai Tom Servo base.
> Let's see what happens in part 2.
Neko: Let's not and say we did.
Felix: Who's talking here?
> Nexa:Finally!We've finally won!
Cait Sith: (Nexa) Man, I thought we'd never get off the fifth level
Felix: Wow, that was short.
(Felix starts to get up)
Domino: Stay where you are!
> Bad Bird:Don't you think that I know that!Now,let's get that damned
Neko: (Bad Bird) Those damn Umbrella be suckin' the life energy out of
> (Bad Bird proceeds in reaching for the Sunspot Umbrella
Cait Sith: HOLY COW! He's proceed to reach for a umbrella! Can things
get any *more* exciting?
Neko: *INTENSE* *REACHING* *ACTION*!
> yet Guido wakes up in the process.)
> Guido:Wh...uzz das?
Neko: (Guido) Eet izz uz, und ma nam izz Beorn.
> Nexa:Damnit Bad Bird!Ya woke him up!
> Bad Bird:Oops.Drat.
> Guido:Nexa!?!!!??Bad Bird??!?!!?
Cait Sith: Holy exclamation marks, Batman!?!?!?!?!?
> (jumps away and draws the umbrella
Cait Sith: Then throws it out and begins a new sketch.
Felix: Everybody get down! He's got an umbrella!
Neko (Guido): Mwahahahaaa! Feel the wrath of purple nylon!
> and then
> sees Polly and Speedy)
Cait Sith: They were -
Felix: Shut up, Cait. Don't even start.
> ACK!What's going on!?Let them go Nexa!
> Nexa:What?Did you forget who I am?
Felix: (Guido) No, I know you, you're Jack Kemp... no, wait,
you're... you're Rupert Murdoch. No, that's not it
either... okay, I give up, I *have* forgotten who you are.
> In my entire rotten life I've never
> learned a techique that actually helps anyone!
Hanpan: Is he trying to impress him or something?
Neko (Guido): Here's my resume, sir.
Cait Sith (Employer): "In entire rotten life has never learned a technique
that actually helps someone?" Get out of my office!
> Guido:You wrinkled old pervert!
Neko: It's Happosai in disguise!
> Bad Bird:Enough with all your stupid chatter!I want that Sunspot Umbrella
> and I'm gonna get it!
Cait Sith: Do we even know why the umbrella is important yet?
Neko: Maybe it'll end this fanfic.
Felix: GET THE UMBRELLA, GUYS!!
> (Bad Bird throws 3 ninja stars at Guido but
Cait Sith: ...they were actually boomerangs and hit Bad Bird instead,
killing him. The end.
Felix: Getting dark already, Cait?
> he blocks them with the
> umbrella and then blasts BB with it across the room into the wall.)
Cait Sith: Umbrellas....blasting crows across rooms and blocking ninja stars
...all while keeping the nation dry.
> Nexa:You little punk!Hand over the Sunspot Umbrella unless you want
> up like your friends!(points to Polly and Speedy)
> Guido:Go #$@* yourself creep!
> Nexa:Fine then.It's your loss!Buzzard Black Lightning!(shocks Guido)
Cait Sith: (Daravon) Swirling bolts of birds, strike down upon Guido!
Buzzard Black Lightning!
> Guido:(hurt really really bad)
Felix: My, what really really really good description.
> Didn...Did'nt hurt.cough.
> Nexa:Oh really?(hurls some mean old fire at Guido yet it's blocked by
Hanpan: Look, up in the sky!
Cait Sith: It's a evil corperation!
Neko: It's an object in the story that we have NO knowledge whatsoever on
why it's important!
All: No, it's SUPER UMBRELLA!
> Guido:All right.What now?
> (Nexa lifts his hand up and telaports BB and himself away.)
Neko (Nexa): Tea time, old chap. Mustn't be late, you know.
> Guido:Polly!Speedy!Oh crud!
Cait Sith: Yes, it's O. Crud, master of defecation and newest addition to
the Samurai Pizza Cats.
> (rushes over to them)Are you okay?
Neko: (Polly) I've... I've fallen and I can't get up.
> Speedy:Ye...yeah.I'm okay.Just a little...
> Guido:What are you talkin' about!?Bad Bird just shoved a big old sword
> your shoulder and your bleeding all over the floor!
Felix: Why did he ever ask him in the first place, then?
Neko: He won't take no for an answer.
Neko (Black Knight): What? That's merely a flesh wound.
Felix (King Arthur): What are you talking about? Your bloody arm's off!
Neko (Black Knight): Nah, c'mon, I'll bite you to death!
Cait Sith: (Guido) Speedy, you idiot! You're bleeding all over that
rare Persian rug! At least have the decency to move into the
> Speedy:I'm fine!Just help Polly.
Neko: (Max) Sam, is "Zuh" a real word?
> (turns to Polly and sees that the black ball disappered
Felix: Black ball? Who ever said anything about a black ball?
> and had
> already drained most of Polly's strength leaving her on the ground half
Cait Sith (Johnny Carson): That's some weird, wild, stuff!
> Holy crap in a bucket!
Felix (Bucket): Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
> Are you alright Polly?
> Polly:(weakly)Cough cough.No.
> Narrator:Meanwhile at the gang's headqaurters...
Cait Sith: ...Nexa had lost his car keys.
> Big Cheese:Oh great work you two,the Pizza Cats still have the Sunspot
> Umbrella!So what are you going to do about it?
Cait Sith: (Nexa) We're going to Disneyland!
Neko (BB): We gotta believe!
> Nexa:Oh we'll get it back sire.
> Bad Bird:Yeah.Don't worry your cheesiness.
Cait Sith: Um, cheesiness...yeah..
Felix: Speakin' about cheesy...
> Big Cheese:All right.I'll give you one and only one last chance.If you
> fail your lives will be forfit as well.
Neko: Stopped at the bridge by angry trolls. Forfit 2 lives.
> Narrator:Back at the underground Ninja Crow base
Neko (Crow T. Robot): Haikeeba!
Felix (Crow): Gymkata!
Cait Sith (Crow): I'm a Grimault Warrior!
> Guido is carrying Polly
Cait Sith: ...into a garbage dump.
> and is also trying to help Speedy out.
> Speedy:(grasping his bleeding shoulder)Can't you do anything with that
> stupid umbrella?!
> Guido:Well...I guess so.Let me see.(holds the umbrella and light pours
> and when it clears Speedy's arm is completly healed!)
Cait Sith: (Speedy) Ow... give me an anesthetic before you do that
the next time.
Neko: Um, yeah, Cait...
> Speedy:Oh my God!That was cool!How'd ya do that?
> Guido:Beats me,
Cait Sith: O-kaaaay..
> but I think that we should find the way out of here before
> Nexa and Bad Bird come back.
Cait Sith: The door might work.
> Speedy:Guess your right.(gets up)
> Narrator:Guido and Speedy begin searching for an exit and after about
> hour they finally find a hatch that leads into the streets of Little
> Guido:We made it!Too cool huh?
Neko: (Speedy) Like, totally, man. I'm, like, stoked. Excellent.
Cait Sith: Score!
> Speedy:Yeah!Hey look!We just a block away from the Pizza Parlor!
Cait Sith: (Speedy) Yo, foo', the Pizza Parlor jes' a block away, let's
be goin' there.
Neko: Lets use! A whole ton! Of exclamation points! Too!
> Let's take
Neko: ...the escalator!
(Neko pretends to ride down an escalator)
> Polly to Francine.
> Guido:For once you have a good idea Speedy!
Neko: (Speedy) I got a good idea! This's the way!
> Lets go!
Cait Sith: Nuh-uh, I bet he really said "A pickle".
> (hovers off)
> Speedy:Hey wait for me!(hovers off too)
> Narrator:But while the Pizza Cats are racing to the Emporium Nexa
Felix: I've never heard of the Emporium Nexa.
Neko: Maybe he meant Macy's Nexa.
Cait Sith: Haven't heard of that, either.
> and Bad
> Bird are do a little destroying the city.
Neko: Sir! The grammar shields are down! She cannae take much more of
Cait Sith: ...luckily for Little Tokyo, Nexa and Bad Bird were just playing
> Bad Bird:Nexa!If this new plan doesn't work I really think that Big
> will have us eliminated.
> Nexa:Don't you think I know that!?!?
Felix: (Bad Bird) No!?!?
> But trust me,this is the Pizza Cat's
> last day on Earth.
Neko: (Nexa) I've signed them as chief repairman of the Mir!
Felix: (Bad Bird) That'll keep 'em busy for a while!
> Bad Bird:Sure.Whatever.
> Narrator:The Cats have already gotten back with Polly and Francine's
> looking after her when all of a sudden Big Al calls them.
Neko: (Big Al) You may have just won $10000 if you can answer this simple
question: If Guido healed Speedy with the umbrella, why
didn't he heal Polly too?
Felix: (Guido) Uh...
Cait Sith: (Big Al) Hey, you cats wouldn't happen to be gay now, would
you? I could give you a home at my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.
> Speedy:What's up Al?
> Al:What do ya mean what's up?Haven't you been watching TV?
Felix: (Speedy) Nope. I still have an old transistor radio.
Neko: Oooh, I think I have one of those in my bag.
(Neko reaches into a bag and tosses out a decapitated Smurf action figure,
a guitar with one string, a bottle of White-Out, and a hippopotamus-shaped
candle before finding the radio)
> The Ninja Crows
> are wreaking havoc and doing other naughty deeds!
Cait Sith: (Al) Let's catch those ne'er-do-wells and give them a good
spanking 'cause they've been naughty.
Neko: (Guido) Oooh, and we can make them sit in the corner too!
> Speedy:Were on it Al!
Cait Sith: Were on it! Human by day, on it by night!
> Al:What are you...
Cait Sith: (Speedy) What am I? I'm the new Turbo Touch 360!
Neko: (Guido) I'm a regular controller!
Cait Sith: (Speedy) I have a full 360 degrees of motion!
Neko: (Guido) I don't!
> Speedy:No time for that!(hangs up)Come on Guido!
Felix: (Speedy) On Guido, on Dancer, on Prancer, and Vixen!
Cait Sith: (Speedy) On Cupid, on Ajax, on Donner, and Blitzen!
Felix and Neko: Ajax!?
Cait Sith: Never mind.
> Big Cheese is screwing up
> the city!
Neko: Parasite Cheese: The sequel to Parasite Eve.
> Call the Rescue team Francine!
Cait Sith: As opposed to Rescue team Ralph.
Neko: Oh no, not a Rescue Rangers crossovers.
Felix: Yeah, I'm still scarred after "9 1/2 Chipmunks".
Neko: This is the first time I've ever seen the heroes call a rescue team.
> Francine and Guido:Again?!?(Gudio and Speedy run out of the Parlor)
Felix: ...leaving Guido behind.
> (scene switches to about 5 minutes later and the Pizza Cats and the
> confront the Ninja Crows.)
Cait Sith: What about the A-Team!?
Neko: They were booked. Mr. T was hunting down Barret again.
> Meowzma:All right boys just give up and we won't hurt you.
(all start pretending to laugh hilarious, then abruptly stop)
> Bad Bird:Whatever.Attack immedetaly!
Cait Sith: (Ninja Crow) Uh... which one's Immedetaly?
Neko: Cait, those are the kind of jokes I'd expect from THIS fanfic.
Cait Sith: Oops.
> (the Crows all rush at the SPC beating the $#!+ outta the B-Team leaving
> only Speedy and Guido standing.)
Neko: Holy crap in a bucket, it's a Ratliff battle.
Felix: ...and the rest doing sit-ups.
Neko: The exercise craze sweeping the nation... Crowsercise!
(Cait Sith and Neko start doing sit-ups)
Felix: 1... 2... 3...
Cait Sith: Hey, it's better than Richard Simmons.
> Guido:Come on!We'll fight all of you all if we gotta!
> Nexa:Oh don't worry you'll only have to fight eachother.
> Speedy:What are you talking about Nexa?
Cait Sith: (Nexa) I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to myself. Stop
Felix: Dude, that was about as funny as "Beetle Bailey", so just shut
> Nexa:Forces of Dark Buzzard Magic give me control over
Cait Sith: ...my ej-
Felix: Cait, is what you're about to say obscene and not appropriate for
Cait Sith: Well, yes.
Felix: Then don't say it.
Cait Sith: Aw, man...
Neko: Forces of Dark Buzzard Magic, transform this fanfic into free disk
Felix: That wasn't very funny.
Neko: At least it's clean.
> these two Samurai!
> (all of a sudden Nexa's hands start glowing
Neko: (Nexa) I knew I should have brought gloves on that trip to Three
> and Speedy lunges and Guido and
> slices at him.)
Felix: And we go insane and we freak out and our urge to kill grows.
> Guido:Speedy you dummmy!
Cait Sith: (Guido) You're supposed to hold the hilt of the sword, not the
Felix (Speedy): Dummy poo poo face!
Neko (Guido): Block block head!
Felix (Speedy): I'm not inviting you to my birthday party!
Neko (Guido): Me neither!
> Nexa's the bad guy!Hit him!
> Speedy:I'mnot controling me!Nexa is!
Felix: Wait a second... Nexa's controlling Speedy, but he can still talk
Neko: Speedy doesn't have much self-control, does he?
Cait Sith: That was really bad, Neko.
Felix (Ptak): I can't find myself!
> Guido:(punching Speedy)Nexa's got me too!
> Nexa:That's right!Kill eachother!KILL!!!!
Neko: MOOOOORTAL KOOOMBAT!!
Felix: It appears that the spacebar has already fallen victim to Nexa.
> Speedy:How you holding up?(kicks Guido)
Cait Sith: (Guido) You kick me in the nuts as hard as you can, then
I'll kick you in the hard as hard as I can, and the last
one standing gets the triangle.
> Guido:Not too good.(jump kicks Speedy)
Neko (Guido): Oh, I'm fine. Just quit hitting me.
Felix: This is just surreal.
> Nexa:To think,the Samurai Pizza Cats kill eachother!HAHAHAHA!
> Bad Bird:Ha!Yeah,who'd of thought it?!
Cait Sith: The author, apparently.
Neko: Luckily, he appears to be the only one.
> Narrator:Out of the blue Speedy notices a passing truck and then Nexa
> commands him to tackle Guido but Speedy adds a little kick into it and
> are up on the truck!
Cait Sith: I bet even the people who watch "Samurai Pizza Cats" are confused
Felix: They're going Highway Surfing!
Cait Sith: Where did this narrator come from?
Neko: When Sentences Run On... coming this summer, only on Fox!
> Speedy:Haulass pal!That crazy Vulture Warlock is making us pound the
> outta ourselves!
Neko: (Guido) I knew I should have worn my Depends.
Felix: I think I'll say that next time I need a ride.
Cait Sith (Speedy): Oh, Cid, oh great one. Thank you for giving me the power
to impersonate you..
> Rabbit driver:Uh...Sure!(speeds away from the Crows)
> Guido:Yippe!We won!Cool!
Cait Sith: (PaRappa) Yahoo! All right!
> Speedy:You spoke too soon.
Cait Sith: (Rabbit driver): Yeah, aren't you reading the Teleprompter?
Neko: The car then slipped on a banana peel, crashed into a building, and
the Samurai Pizza Cats was mauled by a pack of rabid dogs. The end.
Cait Sith: Oh, if only that were true...
> (Nexa appers floating in the sky and blasts the truck wich of course
> it to explode killing the driver.
Neko: Have a nice day!
> And maybe even the Pizza Cats!)
Neko: Then again, maybe not.
Felix: Let's just hope so.
> Nexa:Goodbye Pizza Cats.
Cait Sith: (Nexa) Don't forget to write!
Neko: (Nexa, in fake Southern accent) Y'all come back now, y'hear?
> (in the firey rubble Nexa spots the Sunspot
> Umbrella completey unharmed)Exellcent.(makes it float up to him)Now
> nothing can stop me from plunging Little Tokyo into Darkness!
Cait Sith (Homer): Woo-hoo!
Felix: Well, Tokyo never really did anything for me.
> TO BE CONTINUED...
Cait Sith: Make it stop! Make it stooooppp!
DOMINO (over intercom): Well, that's it for today. Good job, Cait, you
can go on to the next stage now.
CAIT SITH: Yahoo! All right!
FELIX: What about me?
NEKO: That wasn't so bad, was it, Felix?
FELIX: No problem! But how did you get out of the TV?
(Door 6: Hanpan walks through a random sequence of doors to
get past another De Le Metalica puzzle)
(Door 5: Domino opens the door for them again)
(Door 4: Another nifty FMV plays of Cait Sith walking out the
(Door 3: The reinforcemets have arrived! Their AI hasn't,
though, so you just walk right by the phantoms)
(Door 2: Domino moves the hype aside so you can get through)
(Door 1: Cait Sith takes out his keycard and the door opens)
FELIX: Well, I guess it's time for me to head back to Earth.
CAIT SITH: Before you go, I'd like to say that I've enjoyed
having you here... but if I did, I'd be lying.
NEKO: Shut up, Cait.
FELIX: You want to take this outside?
CAIT SITH: Hey... you frontin', dullard?
(Cait Sith tries to punch Felix, but turns around and hits
NEKO: Hey, what was that for?
CAIT SITH: Holy crap in a bucket! Domino's controlling me!
(Felix starts kicking Neko)
FELIX: Hope this isn't hurting too much, bud. Domino's
controlling me too.
NEKO: Nah, I'm fine.
(Cait Sith punches Neko in the head)
CAIT SITH: I'm not controlling me! I hate this!
HART: Mwah ha ha ha! See what you get when use you PaRappa
DOMINO: Don't worry. We'll get them next time. We WILL
give them that tutorial next time.
HART: Can't we just shoot them or something?
DOMINO: Push the button, Hart.
\ | /
\ | /
/ | \
/ | \
That's it for today! Good job, Cait, you can go onto to the
next stage now. This is only our second MSTing, so there was
probably a whole lot we could improve. E-mail us with any
suggestions. Keep circulating the fics!
> Narrator:Out of the blue Speedy notices a passing truck and then Nexa
> commands him to tackle Guido but Speedy adds a little kick into it and
> both are up on the truck!
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