Yuffie Conspiracy Theory

The Yuffie Conspiracy Theory

by Fritz Fraundorf

DISCLAIMER: I do not hate Yuffie. I created this page just because I like modifying pictures, and because it was a funny idea.

At last conclusive proof has been discovered that Yuffie of Final Fantasy 7 is indeed the spawn of Jenova! First off, you'll note that Yuffie's mother is never mentioned in the game. This (and Yuffie's generally annoying nature and hideous appearance) initially led me to believe that Yuffie was the daughter of Jenova, but now I have discovered further proof: add up the ASCII values of "Yuffie" and "Jenova" and they are different BY ONLY 5! The difference of 5 is probably from the 5 dashes in J-E-N-O-V-A (the name of Jenova's theme). And do you think really Yuffie gets airsick all the time? Nope, she's just using that as an excuse to get away from the rest of the group and secretly plot to steal their Materia. Not to mention the fact that Yuffie has a Limit Break called Doom of the Living...

Yuffie Sightings

So who did Square choose to represent themselves at the big Square-EA deal? Cloud? A Chocobo? Cid? None of the above... it was none other than the Evil One herself, as this photo of Yuffie shaking hands with John Madden clearly indicates (actually, Wedge and Vicks were Square's first choice, but they were mauled by a rabid tiger en route to the press conference). Is the formation of Square Electronic Arts merely another stage in Yuffie's plan to enslave humanity? Let's just say I wouldn't bet against it... Lead by Corkster, actual reporting by me.
YCT operatives in Wutai have informed me that the ubiquitous Turtle's Paradise ads are being rapidly replaced by a new, more insidious, ad: this poster promoting Yuffie's rap group, the Wu-Tai Clan. Despite the fact that they have absolutely no talent, their first album has already risen to the top of the Shinra music charts, beating even Saddam Hussein's Chemical Paradise and the Really Useless Characters' Rodent Linoleum. Sighting by The Captain.
More evidence that Yuffie indeed killed Aerith to collect the White Materia... here, a frozen Yuffie is being given the Black Materia by Cloud. This backs up Butch's claim in Domino that Yuffie was after the White and Black Materia. I can't wait to see how Square and Yuffie try to explain this one. Sighting by The Captain.
Today's interesting piece of Yuffie news: One of the many ads designed for the FF7 media blitz of doom was the one you see here, a reference to the Secret of Evermore ads (remember them?). But Square wasn't too thrilled with the ad's depiction of Yuffie and it got canned.
For those of who you played X-Com, you may remember the Chryssalid enemy. It moved quickly, had an evil grin, and turned people into zombies. Sounds like Yuffie, doesn't it? A quick comparison of the two (see left), reveals that they appear almost identical, except for the varying eye sizes... Sighting by an anonymous source.
Earlier I speculated that Yuffie had kidnapped Vincent during the ending of FF7, a suggestion backed up by Domino's memoirs (granted, Domino is not always the most reliable source). But now it has been confirmed by this picture, taken by a hidden camera in Cait Sith's moogle. While AVALANCHE's attention was diverted to Cloud and Tifa, Yuffie bludgeoned Vincent unconscious with her boomerang and took off. And how do you think the Highwind ended up in the BOTTOM of the crater? Yes, it's Yuffie again.....       Sighting by The Captain.
Sources deep within Square (my second cousin's best friend's girlfriend's cousin knows a guy whose brother's uncle's cousin's heard from someone whose dog's veterinarian's brother's nephew works for Square) have revealed this missing sequence from the Jenova FMV in the Nibelheim flashback. Apparently Jenova was supposed to morph into Yuffie, but the sequence was dropped for fear Yuffie's glowing red eyes might trigger epileptic seizures.     Sighting by The Captain.
As if the zombies and Umbrella weren't enough, Raccoon City is now Yuffie's latest target as well. This truly terrifying picture, taken by Mayor Domino's assistant Hart (who had stopped in Raccoon City during his quest to rid the world of PaRappa references), shows Yuffie directing a band of zombies in mercilessly assaulting the gun shop owner. When reached for comment, Hart said only, "What's going ON in this town?"
Earlier, I speculated as to how many previous FF games Yuffie had been included in. Well, Yuffie has now been confirmed to date all the way back to FF1. Players of FF1 may remember an invisible person you could talk to in Corneria Castle. Well, it's none other than Yuffie herself. Yuffie was apparently distributing flyers advertising her new rap group (for more on that, read Blue and Green). Break out your copies of Rad Racer, folks, Yuffie may go back even further than we thought.
This recently released picture from the Shinra Corporation shows Yuffie emerging from the sea to attack Junon.  Fortunately for the sake of civilization as we know it, Yuffie was fended off with the help of the Sister Ray.  Yuffie's current whereabouts are unknown.
Apparenlty Yuffie's appearance in FF7 is not her first.  Astute observers may have already noticed that Yuffie's face is clearly visible on the three-tiered boss you fight before Kefka in FF6.  Has Yuffie appeared in other past FF games as well?  Stay tuned!

A reliable source claims that this picture was the original sketch drawn by the FBI of their suspect for the Unabomber. However, on its way back to the FBI headquarters, it was stolen by Yuffie and replaced with one of her own devising, pinning her crimes on Theodore Kaczysnki. This news is sure to disturbe many readers -- our formerly safe planet now appears to have been invaded by the vile menace that is Yuffie.
Sephiroth may not be quite the bad guy that you thought. A close examination of Aeris's death scene shows that she was killed not by Sephiroth's sword, but what appears to be Yuffie's boomerang (see picture on left). Obviously, Yuffie used the appearance of Sephiroth as a diversion to kill Aerith from a safe hiding place and take the White Materia. However, her insidious plan failed when the White Materia fell into the water. Seph, being the nice guy that he is, then tried to remove the boomerang, but it was too late.

The true reason why Vincent and Yuffie are not in the ending has been uncovered at last! So you say they weren't in there because four separate endings would have to been made? Ha! That is merely what Yuffie wants you to believe! The real reason is that while Cloud was fighting Seraph Sephiroth, Yuffie kidnapped and Vincent and fled. Why would she do such a thing? Well, back when Vincent was a Turk, Shinra learned of Yuffie's birth and sent Vincent to kill her. Even at an early age, Yuffie was able to use her Jenova powers, however, captured Vincent, and imprisoned him in the basment of the Shinra Mansion after performing experiments on him to gauge the power of the Jenova cells (you'll note that nowhere is it explicitly stated that it was Hojo that locked up Vincent.... we are led to believe this, of course, but this again just the efforts of Yuffie to cover her trail). The note that has the clues for the safe combination says that is "a game", which definitely fits Yuffie's personality. So after Seph was defeated, Yuffie kidnapped Vincent in order to lock him up again and seek revenge for a second time.

Back to Misc. Stuff
Back to the Midgar Swamp