Miller Creek Middle School RPG IAQ

Miller Creek Middle School RPG IAQ v. 1.3
by Jeffrey Faden and James Gowdey


I. Introduction
   A. Table of Contents
   B. Updates
   C. Frequently Asked Questions
II. Walkthrough
   A. Part 1: Welcome Back!
   B. Part 2: The Walk
   C. Part 3: Starving Artist
   D. Part 4: When Periods Collide
   E. Part 5: Let's All Take A Break
   F. Part 6: Math Wizards
   G. Part 7: La Classe Du Francais
III. Lists
   A. Weapons
      1. Jeffrey Cretin: Spears
      2. Jim Rowdey: Projectile Launchers
      3. Jacques Custodian: Janitorial Equipment
      4. Caires Sith: Balls
   B. Abilities
      1. Jeffrey Cretin: Draw Comic
      2. Jim Rowdey: MST
   C. Items
   D. Key Items
   E. Status Effects


April 27 - 29, 1999 v. 0.0000001 -- The IAQ is started with an FAQ section and the start of Part 1!

April 30, 1999 v. 0.000001 -- Part 1 is finished, and Part 2 is on its way!

May 8, 1999 v. 0.00001 -- Part 2 is finished.

May 18, 1999 v. 0.0001 -- Part 3 is started.

May 20, 1999 v. 0.001 -- Some lists are added, and Part 3 is finished.

May 29, 1999 v. 1 -- How do you like the drawing? I drew it myself, and it really resembles the characters in real life! Oh yes, and I also started Part 4.

June 5, 1999 v. 1.1 -- Part 4 and 5 are finished.

July 22, 1999 v. 1.2 -- Part 6 is started.

September 15-16, 1999 v. 1.3 -- Part 6 is finished, part 7 is started.

October 16, 1999 v. 1.4 -- Part 7 is finished and Jim's Ability list is added.


Q: Zuh?
A: Great Question! This IAQ is about the game, Miller Creek Middle School RPG (not sold in stores!). It contains questions about the game, and a walkthrough.

Q: But I've never played the game!
A: You WHAT!? Get this guy out of the room! And ask me questions, goshspoonyit!

Q: Wait, hold on. What is Miller Creek?
A: A middle school.

Q: What's a middle school?
A: Something you'll never graduate from.

Q: Ha, ha. Where is Miller Creek?
A: San Rafael, California, just north of San Francisco.

Q: Why are you mak ing an IAQ of an RPG of a school?
A: Because we though of just one single joke for this school, and we had to make an IAQ. We're building off of it. Kinda like balancing a building an a spoon.

Q: What console is this for?
A: That's a stupid question! The PlayStation, of course!

Q: What is the answer to the question of the universe?
A: 42.

Q: What's the question?
A: What is 6 times 9?

Q: Well, the universe always was a screwed up place.


     You are Jeffrey Cretin, an everyday kid. You are woken up for the first day of school by the 140-decible loud radio. Even though you are out of battle, you lose 10 HP because of this. It's okay, because once you rest on the Magical Toilet Bowl (the rest stops in this game are free), your health will be replenished. To turn the radio off, press a random button. Unfortunately, this scene is hard, because it's P.O.V. mode, (Poin t of View mode) and your eyes are closed. Also, if you press the wrong button, the noise will increase 10 decibels.
     Once the radio is off, get out of bed by pressing every button on the control pad at the same time. It will take time (and toes) to do this, but it's not impossible.
     Walk out of the room and into the bathroom. Walk to the toilet. It will ask you if you want to rest. Say yes, and the screen will go black. After a couple minutes of blackness, you appear in your room. Press X while walking around in your room, and clothes will appear on you. (At the beginning, you only have boxers and an undershirt on. You weren't naked at the beginning of the game, sicko.) Walk to the the green counter, and press X. You will receive a Mechanical Pencil, the second worst weapon in the game. Walk into the other room of the house (just like in any other RPG, houses have two rooms and a bathroom) Walk over to the counter that has breakfast on it. Sit down on one of the chairs, and your mom will give you a lecture.

Mom: Jeffrey, I know this is the first day of school and I didn't give you bus tickets, but here's some money just in case bullies want some from you while you're walking. Remember, money, money, money, is all you need!
Jeffrey: Uh, thanks, Mom.

     You will receive $5. Money is useless in this game, because you will later be using Panther Bucks, the currency at the school. (Money is kind of like GP at the Golden Saucer in Final Fantasy 7... pretty much useless.)

Mom: Now, you'll need your Pencil (you will receive a Pencil, which is the worst weapon in the game. Use the Mechanical Pencil you found instead), your Binder (pretty useless, also), and Binder Paper (now THAT'S useful).
Jeffrey: Why didn't we think of this before?

     After talking about maybe accidentally catching scurvy from cafeteria food, you will leave your house.
     Walk to the right of your house. Don't walk left, because it's an endless pathway (after about 5 screens, a man in a green chocobo-ridden carriage will ask you if you want a ride and will ride you back to your house).


     As you walk to school you will fight with Rabid Toddlers, Snails, and Weeds. They are all pretty easy to beat. Attack Weeds and Snails with your Mechanical Pencil. Use your Draw Comic technique with Rabid Toddlers. You don't kill the Rabid Toddlers, they run away after one Draw Comic technique. They sometimes leave behind a Slobbery Pacifier. A couple hundred pictures of sidewalk later, you will see a FSVTIRHQ (Full Screen Video That is Really High Quality) of Jeffrey falling on his face. When you get up, you will see Jim Rowdey, a fellow schoolmate (and the conqueror of Pt. Reyes Summer Camp). The conversation is as follows:

Jim: Gosh spoony, you spoony bard! Why the spoony did you trip over my spoony foot?
Jeffrey: Uh, sorry, Jim.
Jim: (points finger at Jeffrey) DidyoufindanMSTforusMr.BunglewasreallyfunnylasttimeIlikedit!
Jeffrey: Well, Jim, you haven't changed a bit since last year.

     After hitting his head a couple times over embarrassment, he will walk right into you. In other words, he will join your party.
     Continue walking to school. It will be much easier to battle now, because Jim has his MST attack, along with a Spoon equipped with Pebbles. Unfortunately, his Spoon attack is annoying as well, because he shouts "You spoony bard!" every time he uses it.
     When you finally reach school, you will encounter two kids that are slightly taller and bulkier than you. They will say to you:

Thug #1: (walking right up to Jeffrey) Hey. bo! What th'ell you doin' here, bo?
Thug #2: Yeah!
Thug #1: I thought I told you to piss off, bo!
Thug #2: Right!
Jeffrey: No, you didn't.
Thug #1: Okay, you made Bobo mad! Now you will get senselessly punched!

     Well, whaddaya know? It's your first boss battle! If you use proper strategy, this one's easy. Thug #1 will use three attacks: Intimidate, Push, and Annoy. Thug #2 will just say "Yeah!" and "Right!". First, have Jim use his Spoon attack on Thug #2. That'll take his HP down 50 percent. Have Jeffrey use his Draw Comic technique on Thug #1. After Jim uses his Spoon on Thug #2, he'll run away crying. Keep using Draw Comic on Thug #1 (he's much stronger than Thug #2; more literate, too). Jim has a powerful MST ability which will finish him off in a few moves.
     After beating them, enter school, and head to the Library. It will be highlighted on the map (press [] for the map). You will find that the door's locked! That's okay, though, you'll return there later. After you check the lock, a rather obese Mack Moginov will walk up to you. He'll push you and say:

Mack: Hey, Jeffrey! (hits Jeffrey in the stomach) How are you doing? (jabs him in the arm)
Jeffrey: Hi, Mack. (press the X button again to push him across the hall)
Mack: Oooh, Jeffrey, you never push Mack! Bad Jeffrey!

     Mack has the nerve enough to pick a fight against you! His attacks are Counterattack, High Blow, Low Blow, Nad Kick and Ouuuuch!. Try to have Jim defend himself as much as he possibly can. He's very weak against Mack, even though his MST attack is great against him. If you use it, he will Counterattack Jim, and he will die instantly. Have Jeffrey use his Mechanical Pencil. That will be pretty effective, but Draw Comic will have no effect at all. Every other time you use Mechanical Pencil, he will use his Ouuuuch! attack, which will only take away a bit of HP, but leave you in Annoyed status. Mack will forfeit when half his HP is gone. You will end up somehow in an open field with a Save Point. Don't go to the Save Point, though. Talk to Mack and he will say:

Mack: %$#^$%^#@$^^%&#&$
Jim: Whoa, he seems mad.
Jeffrey: Calm down, Mack.

     You will have a choice on what to say. You can say either "Chill out!" or "Aww, never mind him." Either way, he will join your party (yet another funny "walking into Jeffrey" action!). Don't forget to look in the shining abandoned lunchbox (it's shining because it's got an item in it) and pick up a Spork, Jim's weapon!
     Walk to the 1st Period Classroom (located on the map). As you walk, you will get in random fights with Students and Teachers. Don't really bother to fight either of them. If you get into fights with Students, they won't do anything, and they will run away if you attack them. If you get in fights with Teachers, Jim will shout "RUN AWAY!!!". Listen to his advice. If you fight with them, they will use their NCR (detention slip) attack and it will be Game Over. If you visit the bathroom, it will cost 10 Panther Bucks to replenish your health, because you have to go out and buy some tissues to make the place minimally sanitary.
     Once you are in the 1st Period Classroom area, the bell will ring. A mini game will occur. Try not to get trampled by incoming kids by pressing X as fast as you can. If you don't succeed, you will end up in the Nurse's Office, and a large discussion between you and the nurse will happen. Your life will then be restored, and you will be sent to class with a late slip. If you do succeed, you will enter the class and your life will somehow be restored anyway.


     Your first period is Art! A nice way to start off the day... (Hey, that rhymes!) You hear music in the background that gets very repetetive after a while. As you walk into the classroom, you will be confronted by Disstafer, a scrawny guy that nobody likes.

Disstafer: Hey, you guys... uh, you suck.
Jeffrey: Hey, thanks for the compliment.
Jim: Look, we're trying to find our seats, so if you dont mind...?
Disstafer: Hey, you guys suck.
Mack: (punches Disstafer, Jeffrey, and Jim) Shut up!
Jim: Will you stop that, man, you're spoonying me out!
Disstafer: Uh, you suck.

     Disstafer insists you battle him! He will have Annoy3 and Harrass. Those moves will be very powerful, but have each character use their normal attacks. He'll forfeit soon enough, and say:

Disstafer: You suck!
Jim: Spoony you, you spoony bard!

     After that "mortifying" insult, he will run to his seat. Walk over to the shiny cabinet and you will receive Jeffrey's weapon: a Lead Pencil! As a FSVTIRHQ shows the three characters walking to their seats, you will see Mrs. Jojo (not related to Hojo) say to the class:

Jojo: Okay, class, welcome to Art. We're working on our "Design Your Own Banana" project. What you do is take a banana, put it on a piece of paper, and step on it.
(deafening silence from 3 characters)
Jojo: After that, put sprinkles and confetti on it. The better your design is, the better grade you get.
Jim: What the spoony?
Mack: This'll be a piece of cake...mmm...cake...
Jeffrey: Modern art's gone too far...

     Here's your next mini-game. It's P.O.V. mode again, and you are faced with a banana and a piece of paper. Drag the banana (holding the X button) on to the piece of paper. On the side, there will be three buttons: Squish, Sprinkle, and Turn In. Use them in that order, or you get an F-. Keep pressing sprinkle a lot, the more you do, the better grade you get. It's pretty easy, just like any other art project.
     You will receive different things depending on your grade:

A -- Snow Storm Ice Cream
B -- Cupcake
C -- Fudge Bar
D -- Nothing
F -- A Rock

     You will be able to walk around again. Pick up Glass Shards for Jim's Spoon in the back of the classroom. Talk to some kids and they will all say something about a painting on a wall. If you put two and two together (it's four, dummy), you'll have enough sense to walk over to the wall of the classroom and look at some pictures. Go to the rather large one that looks quite hideous and press the X button. Mack will say:

Mack: Coooooooooool!
Jim: What's so spoonyin' "coooooooooool"?
Mack: This is an ancient Korean picture! It's the dragon of Kerpsaslogusioniagilus!
Jeffrey: Ker-wha?
Mack: Kerpsaslogusioniagilus! It's the Fourth Dragon of Death!
Jim: How the spoony did Mack learn about all of this meaningless garbage?
Jeffrey: Beats me...
Mack: I've heard that if its name is said three times, any picture of it comes alive and attacks!
Jeffrey: Sure.
Jim: I think I've got the name down... Kerpsaslogus--
Mack: No! Stop!!!
Jim: --ioniagilus!
Mack: GAAAAAH!!!

     Believe it or not, Mack wasn't lying! Kerpsaslogusioniagilus attacks! It really did come alive, but fortunately, what Mack didn't say is that it stays as a piece of paper.
     Kerpsaslogusioniagilus will have three attacks: Fire, Growl, and Papercut. Papercut is very effective on all three characters, Growl will stun all three for one move, and Fire will be effective also. Fortunately, though, Fire will hurt Kerpsaslogusioniagilus as well, because it's made out of paper. Use all your hardest attacks on it.
     When it's defeated, it will turn into shreds of colored paper. Mack will then, out of the blue, suddenly learn a move called The Most Powerful Move In The Whole Game! It will kill all enemies instantly, no matter what you're fighting. Mrs. Jojo will not be too happy about you ruining her picture, though. She will walk up to you and say:

Jojo: Oh, no, my favorite piece of artwork!
Jeffrey and Jim: (pointing at Mack) He did it!
Jojo: All of you make me so mad... I could just... just...!!!

     It's a boss battle against Mrs. Jojo! To start off the battle, she will use Music command R.E.M., which will instantly kill Mack, and leave Jim and Jeffrey at 1 HP. Horrified so much at the thought of killing Mack, Mrs. Jojo will forefeit the battle. Once out of the battle, Mrs. Jojo will exclaim:

Jojo: Oh, no, I'm so sorry!
Jeffrey: Oh my God, they killed Mack!
Jim: You spoony bard!
Jojo: How can I apologize? Oh, I know, I have just the thing!

     She will reach back in her bag, and while you're waiting there, thinking that she could pull out health replenishers, really good weapons, or maybe some Panther Bucks, she brings out...

Jeffrey: A body bag!?
Jim: What the spoony?
Jojo: Just take him to the nurse's office!
Jeffrey: (hauling Mack into the bag) Gee. Thanks.

     Go outside and walk over to the office. You will then find that it is locked! Fortunately, someone comes to help.

Jim: Hey, who's that?
Jeffrey: Look! It's Jacques Custodian!
Jacques: Hmm fmm fmmph.
Jim: Oh, spoony. He can't talk.
Jacques: I can talk, all right, it's just hard, having a moustache you haven't cut for years hanging over your mouth.
Jeffrey: Oh.

     After talking about what hapens to Mack, Jacques will join your party (even being twice as tall as you, he will walk into you and disappear).
     Now having access to all locked doors, walk into the office. This is cool, because you are in P.O.V. mode, and you are able to walk around. Walk into the room labeled "Nurse", and open it. Unfortunately, P.O.V. mode goes off, and all the nurse gives you is a band-aid. So, you'll have to continue walkin' around school with a body bag over your shoulder. This should be interesting... but for now, on to second period!


     It's off to your second period (indicated on the map (press []))! As you walk there, you will find that Jeffrey can use a new weapon: the Body Bag carrying Mack. It will inflict a lot of damage, but slow him down a lot. When you get there, you will see a couple of students waiting outside. Their names are Irina, Dude and Leno. They will introduce themselves.

Irina: Hello. We are part of a group, known as... the JERKS!
*ominous music*
Jim: What the spoony's with the spoony ominous music? It's spoonyin' copying from my spoony IAQ!
Jeffrey: Sorry, Jim.
Dude: ...
Leno: Anyway, my dad and their parents played a big part in a big video game that I bet you've never heard of.
Jacques: Oh, yeah! Your parents were in Sonic the Hedgehog, right?
(everyone looks at Jacques)
All: No.
(Note: If you don't understand yet, stupid, I'm talking about the Turks from Final Fantasy 7.)
Irina: Anyway, for some reason, we don't like you being here, so take that! (slaps Jeffrey) And that! (slaps Jim) And...

     The Jerks challenge you to a battle! Irina will have Slap and Multislap, Leno will have Punch and Educate, and Dude will have Silence. After you beat them, they will run into the class. Do so yourself, and find your seats.

Jeffrey: (walking into class) Wait, Jacques, you're a Janitor. You don't go to class.
Jacques: That's okay, I'll just sit next to Jim and say that he's not completely housebroken.
Jim: Hey!

     Jeffrey and the gang will walk to their seats. In P.O.V. mode, you will see two teachers dancing around. One is named Mr. Fleece and one is named Mrs. Mole.

Fleece: Hello my good cla-ss, I'm glad you could attend!
Mole: We've combined our two periods, the schedule we did bend!
Fleece: It isn't really our fault, but we're shortening the plot!
Mole: 'Cause something big will happen at break, if you're prepared or not!

     Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that sounds like a little foreshadowing...

Fleece: Now that we've been introduced, we've got something to do!
Mole: It's not very exciting, but at least it's something new!
Fleece: We were only wondering if the last three months were a bummer!
Mole: So please write us an essay titled "What I Did This Summer"!
Jacques: (pointing at Jeffrey and Jim) Ha-ha!

     In P.O.V. mode once again, you will see a piece of Binder Paper (yup, you have to use one of your own for this). In the background, you hear Mr. Fleece and Mrs. Mole scorning Disstafer:

Fleece: Hey, there, Disstafer, you're stupid as a hen!
Mole: You're supposed to be using an Erasable Pen!
Jeffrey (thinking to himself) Uh-oh, I don't have an Erasable Pen. What'll I do? I know! I gotta... uh, ask someone for one!

     An FSVTIRHQ shows Jeffrey walking to a random classmate.

Jeffrey: Hi, uh, can I--
Random Classmate: Lemme guess, borrow a Pen?
Jeffrey: Um, yeah.
R. Classmate: Yeah, I guess so.
Jeffrey: Thanks.
R.C.: But remember to return it!
Jeffrey: Okay!

     The same FSVTIRHQ is played, only backwards. Now that you have your new weapon, the Erasable Pen, you can now write the essay.
     The essay turns out to be your next mini-game! You have to actually write the essay! This is one of your hardest and longest mini games yet, because since there's no keyboard on the Playstation, and you have to use the D-Pad and hold down the X button to controll your Pen. Make it around half a page. You have 30 minutes.
     Now, wasn't that fun? After you turn yours in, the teachers will grade on neatness, grammar, and how interesting it is. (Isn't technology great these days?) Depending on how good your grade is, you will get:

A -- Spray Bottle (Jacques's weapon)
B -- Sour Grapes (Jim's Ammo)
C -- Cupcake
D -- Fudge Bar
F -- A Rock

     If you get a Rock, don't feel too bad. At least you didn't get a Z-.
     Now, Mr. Fleece will give a lecture about the War of 1812. Try to take as many notes as possible by pressing the X button rapidly. If you do not keep up a steady pace, Mr. Fleece will put all your characters in annoyed status. His lecture goes as follows:

Fleece: TheWarof1812wasanavalwarthatincludedtheBritishandtheAmericansfightingovershipsandFrancisScottKeywrote"TheStarSpangledBanner"ashesawacertainfort,thenameescapesme,getbombedLotsaIndiansdiedalsothat'stoobadanywayIdon'tthinkyou'repayingattentionsoI'llstopnow.
Jim: That was spoonily easy.
Jeffrey: I can't feel my index finger.
Jacques: (snores loudly)

     As if you needed to know, Mr. Fleece talks quickly during lectures. Next, Mrs. Mole will give you a spelling test. Since she's picky, she will make Jacques have to take it, too. That doesn't really make him happy, though. He gets so mad that he goes into battle with the test!
     Only Jacques is fighting the Spelling Test. The Spelling Test has five attacks: Odoriferousness, Bacillus, Contumacy, Hymenopterousness, and Anthropomorphosis. Odoriferousness puts Jacques in Sickened status, Bacillus puts Jacques in Poisoned statues, Contumacy puts Jacques in Annoyed Status, Hymenopterousness puts Jacques in Insect status for one move, and Anthropomorphosis puts Jacques back to normal, but takes away HP. Have Jacques use his Spray Bottle (or Castrol Motor Oily Rag) mostly, and after a while, the Spelling Test will be beaten. This battle will be hard because only Jacques is in it, and since some status effects make him lose a turn, it will be a disadvantage.
     By the time the test is beaten, Jim and Jeffrey will have finished it also.

Jimm: Boye thatt tetsst waz EZ!
Jeffery: yaeh, i aceed it!
Jaks: Mi speling iz badd enuff elreddy

     The bell will now ring. You will walk outside, but see Disstafer and the Jerks standing outside. They tell you that Disstafer has joined the Jerks!

Irina: Hey, we have our newest member, don't we, Dude?
Dude: ...
Irina: I said, DON'T WE, DUDE?
Dude: ...
Irina: I SAID...
Disstafer: You suck!
Irina: (slaps Disstafer) STOP SAYING THAT!
Dude: ...
Leno: Make up your mind!

     As a cartoonish cloud of dust, indicating fighting, arises on the four, you can walk away from the scene. Now, it's off to the Library to celebrate the wonders of break!


Jeffrey: Phew! Three periods already finished! That was pretty easy.
Jim: What the spoony are you spoony talking about? We fought spoony dragons, witnessed a spoony classmate get killed by a spoony evil band and our spoony Art teacher, and we had to write a spoony essay on what we spoony did over the spoony summer! You call that spoony easy?
Jacques: I'm really good at killing dragons. I was a knight in my last life.

     Dumbfounded by the sheer stupidity of that last remark, make your way to the Library (on the map, dumbhead!). On the way there, you will fight with Students Who Actually Want To Fight, and Stray Dogs. Students Who Actually Want To Fight have Punch, Annoy, and Trick. Stray Dogs have Mouth Foam, Bark and Bite (its Bark is worse than its Bite! Hyuk!). Jacques will unlock the door for you, but somehow lots of people will already be there. Look around the large room for items, and don't forget to look at the back near the Abandoned Bookshelves That Are About To Be Thrown Away for Jacques's weapon, the Dusty Rag!
     When you are done exploring, walk back to the front of the room and walk to the space surrounded by computers. You will meet Caires Sith.

Caires: Hi Guys! Sploit!
Jeffrey: I sense another repetetive phrase coming...
Jim: What the spoony are you talking about?
Caires: Sploit! That kid Devon is looking at secret CIA files on the Internet! Sploit!
Jacques: Heh heh... sploit...
Jeffrey: Oh, brother. Man, my back is starting to hurt a little; I can't carry Mack much longer.
Caires: Just sploit him on the ground!

     Jeffrey will drop the Body Bag. Walk over to Devon. Talk to him, and he will say:

Devon: Hey, did you know that the CIA plans to bomb Florida next year?
Jeffrey: Devon, that is not cool. Look, maybe I should just ask the librarian if you should be looking at this--
Devon: (grabs Jeffrey's arm) What do you think you're doing, you butthead?!

     Devon will battle you. He has Spit and Harass. Fight him, and he will forfeit after a while.

Devon: Ouch. Sorry about that. Just don't tell the librari--

     Suddenly, three CIA Agents will bust through the Library door.

Agent #1: We've caught you this time, Devon!
Devon: No, I wasn't--
Agent #2: You're comin' with us. We're gettin' some info offa' you, all right.
Caires: (in the background) Sploit! Hee hee!
Agent #3: Hey! He just said the secret password! Get him!

     You see an FSVTIRHQ of CIA Agent #3 running over to Caires and shooting his legs off. Really!

Agent #2: No, you idiot, the secret password was split, not sploit!
Agent #3: Oops. Sorry. Here you go. (gives Caires a Band-Aid and runs out the door)

     Dumbfounded in silence once again, the group just stands there for a second. Then, the Body Bag begins to shake. Mack crawls out of the bag and just crouches.

Jeffrey: Whu- whu-...
Jim: Spoo...ny?
Jacques: What happened here?
Jeffrey: Why is Mack alive, but just crouching there?
Jacques: I think Mack's corpse got so excited about the CIA being here, that it came back to life and forgot everything but how to crawl and fight!
Jeffrey: And how do you know that?
Jacques: Who else would explain it?
Jeffrey: Hey, I just got a good idea! Maybe since Caires Sith lost his pair of legs and Mack basically is a pair of legs...

     P.O.V. mode shows you looking at Mack, then Caires Sith, then Mack, then Caires Sith.

Caires: Oh no, you're not thinking...
Jeffrey: Hey Caires Sith, how would you like a new pair of legs?


     As your group is walking down the corridors to the next class, Caires Sith complains about his new "legs".

Caires: Sploit! I can't believe I have to sit on Mack the rest of, sploit, my life!
Jeffrey: Hey, he can be used for fighting.
Caires: What can he do? He just walks around.

     Suddenly, you will get into a fight with Safer Sephiroth (for no reason). Mack will attack him and he will die instantly. Well, actually, not instantly, first you have to see an FMV of blood running down Seph's face.

Jim: Spoony! He is spoony strong!
Caires: Naw, sploit, I bet that was just an overly critical, sploit, hit, for storyline purposes.
Jim: Oh.
Jeffrey: Well, Caires Sith, wanna join us?
Caires: Why not sploit?
Jacques: Because it's disgusting.
Caires: I didn't mean that.

     The funniest yet "walking into the main character" action yet of Jim, Jacques and Caires will happen. Make your way to your 4th Period Class (do I really have to say it's located on the map?). Wait outside the classroom and talk to some of the kids. They'll say they can't hear you and you have to speak up. Why is this, you ask? Suddenly, the bell will ring. But, since it's right outside the classroom, It's really, really loud.

Jim: Spoony, that's spoony loud!
Jacques: What?
Jeffrey: Hey, it's been ringing for quite a long time, now! Won't it stop?
Jacques: It sounds like it's getting louder!
Jeffrey: We gotta do something about it!

     You will now get in a fight with the Really Loud Broken Bell. It will take away a significant amount of HP out of each player every turn. Keep attacking it and curing your party. Special abilities won't work on it. After you beat it, enter the class. There, you will see the Jerks writing their names all over the board. "Disstafer" is spelled wrong (he doesn't know how to spell his own name).

Irina: Ha ha ha! Since the teacher isn't here, yet, we can wreak havoc amongst the whiteboard!
Dude: ...Yeah!
Jeffrey: Then what will you do when the teacher gets here? Erase it in a flash?
Irina: Uh...
Disstafer: You suck!
Leno: Nice save, Disstafer.

     Around this time, a timer shows up with 45 minutes. Don't worry, you won't die if you don't do something in 45 minutes. That's just how long the period is. The teacher will now enter. His name is Mr. Gin.

Jeffrey: Whoa, what's that guy doing in a wizard's robe?
Jim: He looks like the guy who shouts "You spoony bard!"
Jeffrey: You?
Jim: No, that spoony Tellah.
Jeffrey: Oh.
Jim: You can see a spoony picture of him here, spoony!
Jeffrey: Hey, don't publicize your website in an IAQ!
Gin: Hello, class! I'm a math wizard! Are you a math wizard? You will be!
Jeffrey: Uh, what's he talking about?
Gin: Hi, Jacques!

     Mr. Gin will now zap Jacques with his wand (he has a magic wizard wand) and Jacques will appear in wizard's clothing!

Jacques: I'm a math wizard, too!
Jeffrey: Whoa, Mr. Gin has taken control of Jacques! It's that wand... we gotta break it before he conquers the school with MATH POWER!
Jim: (to Gin) Will you stop that, man? You're freaking me out!
Caires: Sploit!

     You will get into a fight with Mr. Gin and Jacques. One hit a Jacques will knock him out of the spell and back into your party. Your party is not aiming for Mr. Gin himself, but the wand in his hand. Watch out, because every time he zaps one of your party members, the person joins Mr. Gin's side. After a while, you will knock the wand out of Mr. Gin's hand, and recieve it for equipping! But before you can do that, Jeffrey will say:

Jeffrey: This wand looks too dangerous for us to use. I think we should destroy it. Don't you guys?

     But before they can object, Jeffrey hands it to Mack, and Mack eats it.

Jim: You spoony bard! We could have used that!
Jacques: Uhmm... what happened? I feel educated.
Gin: Ouch...

     This wwhole battle sequence will happen over and over until 45 minutes is up, only that every time, Mr. Gin starts out with someone different. Also, every time you beat Mr. Gin, the party member he started out with will get a new weapon:

Jacques: Detergent Bottle
Caires: Beach Ball
Jim: Water Bottle
Jeffrey: Scented Pen

     TIP: To get through this level easily, do not press the OK button after the little speech about Tellah. Just leave the system there for 45 minutes, and you'll be done with the period in a snap! You won't get the weapons, though...


     After you've escaped the wizardry mayhem, it's off to French class! The class is right next door to the door you just walked out of, so it's doubtful that you'll get in fights with Really Pissed Off Kids. Watch out for their Chokeslam attack if you do, though. Enter the classroom, and take your seats. An FSVTIRHQ shows the teacher, Madame Gerbel, standing up.

Gerbel: Bonjour, classe! Je NE SUIS PAS pain, et ceci est la classe du francais! (Hello, class! I am NOT bread, and this is French class!)
Jeffrey: Ooh! French! I like! I like!
Jacques: Bread? Whu...?

     Madame Gerbel will now give books to Jeffrey, Jim and Caires Sith, yet the book's as thick as it is wide, so it makes their desks tip over.

Gerbel: Tournez vos livres au page 989 231 316 et faire du ski avec moi! (Turn your books to page 989,231,316 and go skiing with me!)
Caires and Jim: What the--
Jim: --spoony?
Caires: --sploit? Tee hee!
Jeffrey: I sense another mini-game!

     Even though it's just there to take up time, it's another mini-game! Just like in a happy little cartoon, Madame Gerbel, Jeffrey, Jim and Caires Sith will hop into the book as it envelops them. Jacques will have dozed off.

Gerbel: Vous etes prepare'? (Are you ready?)
Jim: Sure, I'll use my spoony Spoon as a snowboard!
Caires: Max'll do just fine as a snowboard, won't you Max? Ha ha ha ha sploit!
Jeffrey: Hmm... what'll I use? This is like going into a casino without money.

     Then Jeffrey will remember what a wise homeless man once said to him:

Jeffrey: (thinking) Dojo, casino, it's all in the mind!
Jeffrey: Yes, that's right, my snowboard's in my mind... Leave it to Jeffreeeeeeeeeyyy!
Caires and Jim: (in the background) Us toooooooooo!

     All three will do a dramatic jump in the air and the race will start. Here are the controls for riding your snowboards:

Tourner `a gauche (Turn left): Left
Tourner `a droit (Turn right): Right
Sauter (Jump): X
Arreter (Stop): [], Down
Tourner du sharp `a gauche (Sharp left turn): L
Tourner du sharp `a droit (Sharp right turn): R

     Well, this seems dandy. The only thing is, did you read the last sentence? It said "for your snowboardS". Yes, those controls move all three players at once. And no, this isn't a two player game... ha ha ha.
     After losing the snowboarding game (it's impossible), you will find Jeffrey, Jim and Caires next to their giant books, on the floor.

Jeffrey: These books are evil! Ever thought of an annual book-burning ceremony, Madame Gerbel?
Gerbel: Tais-toi! (Shut up!)

     There is a knock on the door, and this is heard:

Irina: No, Dude, that's not how you do it! You try it, Disstafer!

     There is a loud bang at the door.

Irina: You idiot! Don't use your head, use your foot, like this!

     Irina will kick the door open and run into class.

Gerbel: Hey! Tu coupes la classe! (Hey! You're cutting class!)
Disstafer: Huh?
Irina: (Thank goodness for parenthesis, and the fact that I can read...) Yeah, so what if I'm cutting class?
Gerbel: Tu prends un "F"! (You get an F!)
Irina: I don't take French, old lady!
Gerbel: Femme vielle?! FEMME VIELLE!?! (Old lady?! OLD LADY!?!)

     Madame Gerbel will enter battle with Irina and knock her out in one hit. It's for storyline purposes, of course...

Gerbel: Maintenant qui est le femme vielle? (NOW who's the old lady?)

     Jacques will wake up because of the fighting.

Jacques: Wow, your fighting capability extends far past, uh, somebody's! Would you like to join us?
Gerbel: Tout les choses pour toi, hotstuff! (Anything for you, hotstuff!)

     Madame Gerbel joins your party!

Gerbel (to Jeffrey): Ici, ceci est le Telefrancais. Tu peux caller les membres de ta team avec ca! (Here, this is the Telefrancais. You can call your team members with it!)
Jeffrey: Gee, uh, thanks.

     Madame Gerbel gives you the Telefrancais. It's just like the PHS, only, it's French, and its name rips off a cheesy Canadian show. The bell rings.

Gerbel: Tu sais que ca mean! C'est le temps pour dejeuner! (You know what that means! It's time for lunch!

     Madame Gerbel leaves the party and heads to the faculty room.

Jim: Well, that really stinks spoony, we can't use her great abilities until AFTER lunch!


Jeffrey Cretin: Spears

Name Attack Power Special
Pencil 2 No
Mechanical Pencil 6 No
Lead Pencil 11 Speed -1
Erasable Pen 16 Can be used as an item to redo last action in battle
Lead Pencil 11 Speed -1
Scented Pen 20 User gains 5 HP every turn (for tasty smell)

Jim Rowdey: Projectile Launchers

Note: Jim uses guns and ammo like bows and arrows in most RPGs. Ammo is a separate add-on to the guns. Attack power of Ammo is in parentheses.

Name Attack Power Ammo Used
Spoon 2 Pebbles (3)
Glass Shards (7)
Sour Grapes (13)
Spork 7 Same as Spoon, only Jim doesn't yell "you spoony bard!"
Water Bottle 15 Water (5)

Jacques Custodian: Janitorial Equipment

Name Attack Power Special
Castrol Motor Oily Rag 9 Slight chance of Poison.
Spray Bottle14Water damage.
Dusty Rag19Chance of Near-Sightedness.
Detergent Bottle25Chance of Near-Sightedness.

Caires Sith: Balls (har, har)

Name Attack Power Special
Bouncy Ball 18 Attacks two enemies at random.
Beach Ball23Speed +2


Jeff Cretin: Draw Comic

Jeff has several characters whom he draws. He learns one ability for each time one of them levels up. The ability learned depends on the character who leveled up.

Character Name
Mossimo Fish Toss
Psycho Groove
Random Junk Dump
Shiny Happy People
Yaga Multi-Slap
Hair Whip
Blow Kiss
"We live in a twisted world."
"This ability's for everyone!"
Stüssy Blank Stare Down
Bells from Hell
"I Knew That Water Tasted Funny."
"One way"
Joker Doom
Oynx Scratching Post
Furry Bouncy Ball
Static E
"You have no power over me!"
"These explosives are mixed up."

Jim Rowdey: MST

James uses certain jokes from his previous MST's for his abilities.

Story Name
Rude Awakening Throw Hand - Jim takes his hand off and throws it at enemy
Fork in Toaster - The shock is nothing like the enemies have felt before
*INTENSE* *FURNITURE* *ACTION*! - Multi-chair-drawer-table-and-cabinet-attack
Slave To The Face - Jim is able to control enemy to attack other enemies
Servents of Darkness Eat Pizza - Jim eats pizza and gains some HP
Black Ball of Doom - The name says it all
This Pizza's Way To Hot - Pizza runs by and crashes into enemy
Rescue Team Francine - Revives any fallen allies
Nexa's Revenge Big Diss - Jim says one of the following insults: Red Eye, Bird Brain, Fur Ball; each Confuses all enemies, but it sounds funny!
"How do you like them apples?" - Jim hurls apples at one enemy multiple times.
Eat More Pizza - Jim shares pizza with party, all gain some HP
Lightning Ace uNneCcessARY cAPITalIzatIOn - Annoys all enemies
Badd Speling - Damages and Annoys all enemies
Tails Yodel - Tails the Fox comes and yodels, puts entire party's Attack/Defense up
Plug Socket - High chance of sending one enemy into parallel universe (Death)


Note: Items being used are Items used in battle (off course!).

Name Effect
Fudge Bar Cures small amount of HP.
Cupcake Cures moderate amount of HP.
Snow Storm Ice Cream Fully cures HP, or can be used as Ice attack.
Binder Paper Cures Annoyed status, comes in reams of 50.
Slobbery Pacifier Inflicts water damage on opponent.
Rock Inflicts very small damage on opponent, and slows down character possessing it.
Band-Aid Makes user half immune to damage for one hit.


Name What It Does
Binder Holds Binder Paper.
Body Bag Carries Mack.


Name Symptom
Annoyed Double hit points, but hurts self also.
Poisoned Health slowly fades.
Silent Unable to move for a short period of time.
Sickened Every other move, player loses turn to throw up, but gains 1 HP
Insect Turns player into Insect, all attacks inflict 1 HP damage
Near-Sightedness Player can't see and stumbles around battle area in confusion
Charm Player is confused